Overwhelmed
Hi, I’m looking to talk with someone who’s comfortable discussing kink/BDSM topics. My wife has strong BDSM/kink preferences that I’m trying to understand and engage with, but I’m running into internal resistance, anxiety, and a kind of freeze response when I try to meet her needs. It’s starting to affect my confidence and how I feel about myself in the relationship, especially around feeling like I’m not fully able to satisfy her. I’m not just looking for technique or “how-to” advice—I really want to dig into what’s going on emotionally and mentally for me, and how this is affecting my connection with her, and how I can approach it in a healthier way without shutting down or feeling overwhelmed. I’d really appreciate someone who can help me sort through both the kink side and the relationship/emotional side together.
@boanerges1
Ultimately, exploration sexually is about trust and communication but also honesty.
It's not that you are doing something wrong or not fulfilling your wife.
There's something in this form of exploration that you are resisting because it might not be for you and that's ok.
It's not about doing something you don't like to suit the other person's preference.
It's about finding a shared interest and exploring that! 💙
It’s stressful for sure and the bright side that you are looking to understand more about your feelings towards that.
Did you try to speak to her openly ?
I did. The good thing about her, we both can be open and honest. She and I talked about it but its hard for her to see why I cant just "act". Not in a harsh way. Its hard to explain how I feel. I dont even understand why I freeze up.
That also depends who is S
Both has different approaches to deal with
My experience when I was into it that being D is exhausting but fun , some guilt feelings but that’s it .
Can’t say about S, but if she want you to be S and you don’t feel it, the only way to make it work is to code it in your efforts to make the one you love happy.
Not everyone ready but I saw that happened several times and love wins at the end
So im naturally submissive, she is also submissive. She's been in relationships before me with a dominant partner. But me and her fell in love and that side of things wasn't what determined whether or not we were gonna get married , obviously. But i'm also submissive so what's going on is when she wants me to be dominant to satisfy that side of her , I freeze up and can't actually perform. I'm also a lot softer into that kink. I like the power dynamic.She is into the power dynamic with the pain aspect. I've never been a D. I do love her and I know this is something that she needs to satisfy parts of her that don't get satisfied with me elsewhere. I'm just trying to navigate my way into being able to fulfill those wants and needs.
Try this technique; since you are an experienced S.
Think that way , it’s your time to demonstrate how to submissive to another one.
Act like you are teaching her how to obey .
the only way then to teach her as you role play that. Is to act as a dominant.
You do to her what you like to be seen to you.
Simultaneously, you do to her what you like to be done to you.
this might work and might not.
But one time I convinced a shy S girl to be a D for another girl. And it worked surprisingly.
Im a S but im very new in exploring that side. I wouldn't say experienced S. She's guided me to help me but I inevitably frustrate myself. because I get in my head and start thinking, I'm not doing it right. even though as she has told me, There is no right way there's communication and exploration. But after I get frustrated, that's when I really start freezing up.And then I inevitably ruin the moment. I've been able to do just the bare minimum d. Tell her what to do, but I feel unnatural. The thing i'm struggling with the most that she wants me to do is the pain part of it. Knowing she actively wants and in a way needs me to do it for her. I feel imasculated in my own head , because i'm not able to satisfy that for her.
Im a S but im very new in exploring that side. I wouldn't say experienced S. She's guided me to help me but I inevitably frustrate myself. because I get in my head and start thinking, I'm not doing it right. even though as she has told me, There is no right way there's communication and exploration. But after I get frustrated, that's when I really start freezing up.And then I inevitably ruin the moment. I've been able to do just the bare minimum d. Tell her what to do, but I feel unnatural. The thing i'm struggling with the most that she wants me to do is the pain part of it. Knowing she actively wants and in a way needs me to do it for her. I feel imasculated in my own head , because i'm not able to satisfy that for her.
Well, there is another solution but I don’t recommend.
If it's not recommended , I don't know if I should hear what the recommendation is , but now i'm curious.
At first, ask yourself:
Do you love her so much that you can’t bear to see her in pain?
Are you not enjoying it?
Do you feel jealous, wishing you could be in her place?
How do you feel about letting her enjoy it with another man?
In your daily life, are you naturally dominant or submissive? How does that affect your character, for example, at work?
How do you manage your anger when you experience those moments?
@Alphish the last thing i truly want is to hurt her. the only part of it that is enjoyable is that she is enjoying it. i don't feel jealousy, I'm not into that side of it. I'm newer into it. i just get unconfutable doing it. we have explored branching out. it went well. she was able to satisfy it a little. we both agreed to stop. she and i found that we only wanted each other. its not off the table but we are monogamist at the moment. she wants to "experience it with me and no one else" her words. this is why i want to do everything i can to meat her where she's at eventually.
in every day life im slightly dominant. i simply stand up for myself, not sure if thats dominant or just being who i am. as far as anger, i tend to shove it down and internally deal with it. thats a separate issue. emotions are hard for me.
How about your imaginations ?
Listen , you want to please her but also you can’t stand of her pain.
You have multiple actions to try:
prioritize her enjoyment over your love to her
Work on imagination temporary, find a real point triggers your anger about her and imagine her in that situation >> recall your anger and your daily habit of slightly >> ignore your love >> dominant >> Now she is yours, guilty , >> BDSM her.
@Alphish i really appreciate you talking with me. i will defiantly take your advice to heart. you have been extremely helpful.
Best wishes… keep your cool and enjoy the ride 😈.