Relationship still salvageable
I am married for over 20 years. I have so much hurt which has turned into deep bitterness and anger towards my spouse that I am right now teetering on the fence of sticking it out or calling it quits once I can find a job that will support myself. My husband is frequently nitpicking and critical of how I do pretty much anything. I have been staying at home since 2020 for a multitude of reasons and it seems that we almost never tackle anything as a team, I spent so many years with gaslighting, projection, etc and now after all these years ofcriticism, accusations, him not listening etc he wants to try and connect but then makes no effort to support me emotionally and we never do anything together usually because of his work which is a whole other chapter in and of itself. I am so tired of overfunctioning to his underfunctioning. If you have ever read the book the dance of anger you will understand what I mean. He finally got himself into individual counseling (something he has said he has wanted to do for the past 2 years as well as see a psychiatrist). He brought it up to me. It is my general belief that couples counseling works best when some of each person's individual struggles are being worked on individually before couple's counseling. He just started but if I am teetering on the fence should I still wait or say I don't think we can just get by with both of us doing individual counseling. I have been going to counseling for 15 plus years and find it very helpful as well as psychiatrist for meds and I know I can only change myself but being under constant stress because of the stress of the relationship makes me want to just find a safe space to allow my nervous system to decompress and I do not have that space. I just don't know if I have it in me to keep sticking it out in what feels like a transactional relationship only. I just needed to get this out.
@creativePenguin5558
I'm glad you found this space to let it all out.
Without judgement
I'm sorry you are struggling.
And hurting.
And regardless of your situation, I genuinely wish you both the best with whatever decision you make 🩷
This caught my attention because i am here today due to similar problem.. mainly.. our husbands. Haha but that aside, may i respectfully ask if all these years of being a housewife, have you built a hobby for yourself to enjoy? Or you are just revolving your whole time and space to your home and husband?
Thank you for your questions. I have only been a housewife since late of 2020. Prior to that I worked full-time. I have many hobbies but most of them are solitary in nature but do use an app that gives me opportunity to enjoy activities in person with others.
@creativePenguin5558
Therapy is not a quick fix. it also depends on a person's effort put in and what they are talking about in therapy. like Going to a Gym some people go often but have no change...... and others completely transform at the same time.
While in general I think some personal therapy can put us in a better position to do couples counseling not always the case. Sometimes couples would work better in joint counseling because they cannot frame the situation to only their view. their partner can call out any BS in the conversation.
I think we have carried so much for so long we want them to step up and take half the load off of us ASAP. If you want to leave or are just mad and uncertain there will be improvement you can prepare for both possible outcomes.
Want change....... be the change. do not wait act. That often spurs a spouse into getting their stuff together when you No longer keep picking up all the slack for them.
Start with your resume and maybe look at apps of what work is in your area and skill set. apply if you see something... lots of planning in big changes. Also, lots of work to dismantle 20 years. many divorce lawyers offer free consultation appointment to really lay out things you may not have considered.
You can also look into things you both could do together or something you both discussed before. make team activities and be open of where you see your life in 5 or 10 yrs.
Feel free to share. I had a similar "idylic" 20 yr. In my case there was more to discover once I was free to look forward with experiences and wisdom of the past to help guide me.
Don't be self critical for being human.
Have a great Sunday!
