Relationship trust issues
I’ve been in my first relationship for almost 6 months, and we’re planning to get married. But I’ve been struggling emotionally. He told me honestly about his past, including girls he flirted with , some of whom are still in his friend list. He also has a lot of female friends, and that makes me spiral. I’ve never had male friends. So when he tells me to “trust him” or “they’re just friends,” I get angry. It feels unfair. I gave up so much emotionally to stay within boundaries, but I feel like he doesn’t get it.On top of that, I grew up seeing my mother not trust my father. Now I do the same. I keep checking his ***, overthinking, looking for red flags. It’s exhausting. I can’t focus on my work or job search , just constant anxiety. I don’t want to lose a good person because of my fears, but I don’t know how to trust or feel secure. If you’ve ever been in a similar situation… how did you heal?
Your fears make sense. Its your first relationship. Plus your mothers story is echoing in your mind.
But the fact that he told you about his past honestly shows hes not hiding things.
I think you could tell him about how you gave up things emotionally to stay within boundaries and hence you expect him to do more..... maybe if he finds it rude to cut off friends like that - at least he could create a distance ? If friendship is not too significant to create chances of emotional - physical bonding, i think it could work for both of you.
@placidBlackberry1380 marriage is no doubt very special. If youre heading there its great. But caution is also necessary. You dont want to be married and regretting or suffering. Talk it out and find your peace before finalising the deal.
Thank you for replying! I truly get what you are saying. And I have actually talked to him yesterday about it and we both are trying to work on ourselves.
I can feel that because I have going through the same way
I can feel that because I have going through the same way
@placidBlackberry1380
While there is no magic number, and movies or TV glorify instant attraction and in the next scene they are now married, along with social media - perhaps you can take your time in getting married. It's a big step, one of the most important decisions you'll make in your lifetime. Who you marry matters, and has a massive impact on many aspects of your future - which you cannot fathom at the moment.
It's also your first relationship, so that means that you don't have a lot of previous relationship experience to balance out what feels right or normal for you. Therefore, you're having to learn as you go, and that is ok, perfectly reasonable that you have certain anxiety. However, that also means recognizing that you still have a lot to learn about what being in a healthy relationship entails.
When we add in the fact that your parents (usually a person's first role models of what a relationship/marriage means) was a negative experience - then you translate that into your relationship - even if he's loyal or not.
You put it into perspective, because you know deep down that constantly checking his email, phone and whatever else is exactly what you stated - exhausting - paranoid behavior is never attractive.
Looking deeper into what you wrote, you have serious insecurities within yourself that are at the root of this issue and if you allow it to, will kill anything that you share with not just this man, but any others that you decide to be with in the future - if you do. You've literally convinced yourself that ANY female that looks, connects, or talks to this man is a threat to you, and your relationship - which likely isn't based on any real facts but speculation.
In reality, marriages and relationships require friends... of both sexes. It's healthy. What is toxic? Telling your partner who they can and cannot talk to or associate with because you're insecure.
I'm not at all suggesting that a man who keeps certain types of women around him, and violates his integrity by flirting or keeping the "door" open, or actively cheats, is acceptable or in any way ok. When a man enters into a serious relationship, he then has the difficult task of choosing who - out of his female connections - he can safely keep in his life and which need to go - again, his decision and he must choose wisely or suffer consequences. However, it's not for you to nag him to remove them - he must do so. What motivates a man to part ways with other women from his past fairly quickly? When he truly values the person he's with, and he doesn't want any woman to come in between you or cause drama, so he cuts ties appropriately with any women he believes have ulterior motives.
You're allowing this situation to impact your mental health negatively.
Perhaps the best way to address this with him is to talk things out, and help him understand how you feel. However, before you have that discussion, may want to work on your own self-esteem first.
@placidBlackberry1380 I was in my first relationship when I was 20. The gut abused me trendously I returned to him 3 times til the day he strangled. Me at pointI decided I was through with men. I was doing good even to the point I had learned to be my own best friend however 10 years later I met
@eternalHero77 a man who I was suspicious of when we were put together for an assignment ebentually we got together I accused him of everything waiting for the shoe to fall that he would do as the other men had done to me. But it never did. I attempted to throw him out several times but each tme asked him back. Eventually despite him haveing more woman friends than guys and visiting one of his 3 ex’s I always knew where he laid his head at night. Always next to me
@eternalHero77 to make a long story short he agreed to couples counseling which he said he didnt believe in but said if it was important to me he would go. The first 2 meetings didnt go well but after that we united as close as could be. Now once did he put his hand on me which I guess wouldnt have been a surprise due to he had also been abused in the home and bullied by jis peers. He demanded everyone to have the utomost respect for me. I was his number 1. He never made any decision without discussing it with me first. I began calling him my shadow because anytime I took sick or needed help whether I was home or not and whether or not he was home sick he would rush out that bed to be by my side
@eternalHero77 I lost him in 2020 due to stage 4 lung cancer but 5 years later I still mourn for him and when I take my last breath I hope he is there to meet me and embrace me and that God never separates us again.
