Sabotage
Hi, new here. Lets dive in head first.
I feel like I'm setting my relationship up to fail. I have feelings of resentment towards my partner. And guilt towards my children for not being available as much as I should be. My partner graduated college in December, I'm proud of him for going back to school as an adult. I'm also happy he found a job fairly quickly. For the last four years I have been supporting the family financially, long hours and taking care of two kids. Most of my shifts are doubles 15 hours including drive time. They are also back to back. My partner won't do anything alone so when I do have a day off I'm running to stores, calling people on his behalf, cleaning with him. I never get a break. I feel like these are things he could do during the day when I'm working, our daughter is in school and our son is at the sitter. So he generally has his days to himself. When I get home he will say things like "the house is disgusting" and tell me that it needs to be cleaned. I feel like this is directed to me since he had opportunity to clean and is waiting for me. I would rather spend time with the kids since I'm mostly out of the house and only see them for an hour or so between the days I work.
He just started his first job this week and has been picking fights with me about things he feels I don't do. I return with things he doesn't do. On my day off I cleaned the entire house. Spotless, every surface, moped vacuum, kids room, all laundry bedding you name it. I maintained this for the two days I was off. Both days he left things around and I cleaned them up saying nothing about it. Today I was back to work. After getting our daughter on the bus I cleaned up again dishes done, toys picked up house clean.
When I got home tonight at 11 I find him in the recliner as usual, toys everywhere, backpack on the floor, his work things across two kitchen counters, dirty laundry on the floor not in the basket a foot away, wet towels on the bathroom floor.
I want to cry. I didn't say anything to him about it. I went to get changed for bed and when I was in the bathroom he just went to bed. Saying nothing.
I don't know what to do. From the fights we have had he feels like him working voids home responsibility. But my working doesn't. He will still be home at a decent time and get to spend time with the kids but says hes to tired. He doesnt think i should be tired after the hours and drive i put in. I also get both kids ready daily he just does himself.
I just don't know how to communicate with him my feelings without a fight. I want balance and time with the kids like he gets. I feel all.i do is worn and pickup after everyone.
Any advice on a better balance would be appreciated. I thought if i.cleaned everything and he was only home a short time he could keep up. I just don't want to live this way.
@wonderingmind2630
honestly I am sure I am quite younger to you but here is what I think
Thank you for sharing your feelings and concerns. It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load, juggling work, family, and the emotional weight of your relationship.
I hear the exhaustion and frustration in your words, and it's completely understandable given the circumstances. It's commendable that you've been shouldering so much for your family, and your partner's recent job transition seems to have brought new challenges to light.
Feeling like you're constantly on the go, both at work and at home, can be incredibly draining. It's okay to acknowledge your feelings of resentment and guilt, but remember, they don't define you as a partner or a parent.
Finding a way to communicate with your partner without escalating into a fight can be daunting, especially when emotions are running high. Perhaps setting aside some quiet time together, away from distractions, could create a space for open and honest dialogue. Expressing your feelings calmly and empathetically, while also listening to his perspective, may help bridge the gap between your expectations and reality.
Seeking a balance that allows both of you to share responsibilities and enjoy quality time with your children is essential for the well-being of your family. It's okay to ask for help and support when needed, and together, you can work towards creating a more harmonious dynamic.
take care
🤍
@wonderingmind2630
Your very last line is all you need .... "i do not want to live this way"
In relationship discussions about things like this NEED to occur and when they do not the resentment and anger builds and builds..... you can use the "I feel " statements. example is start with how proud you are of him finishing school ..... then express that you feel the extra load you carried while he was in school and you need a break too....
there needs to be a close to equal division of chores and responsibility.... has he ever thanked you for supporting the family while he was in school? has he even been aware of what you do.....
So many of us just do it run ourselves ragged and do not want to make waves.................. but sooner or later the resentment and issues will cause a rift you can not repair .... so you can keep the status quo and HOPE he clues in OR you can speak up and express your needs and expectations.
it is not about fighting but in lack of clear communication
Thank you for the replies. In an attempt to communicate this morning he told me that wasn't "exactly what was said" and I am "ridiculous"
He stated that if I want to go back to school now that he's done I can at night.
This once again makes it feel one sided to me. I didn't require him to work when going to school. He already thinks I don't do enough and wants me to add more.
I have asked him about counseling, he's not open to the idea.
I'm going to give it a week for hom to settle into the new job and we will have to have a serious conversation.
I'm confident in my self and ability to do all this alone if necessary. I believe my kids and self would possibly be happier if this stress wasn't always lingering.
@wonderingmind2630
Wow i am sorry it is at this level him saying your feelings and stress is ridiculous is telling....
challenge him to talking this out in front of a counselor or third party if he is confident in his position.......(because he cannot resort to put downs and insults). does he know you are at a point where you are seeing you took care of this by yourself so maybe this is the end?
When he is aware what is at stake and if i was you i would get all your stuff in order like to show your ready to move on.
