Secret conversation
I saw my bf's messenger account and found out that his chat convo with the person i was jealous of was labeled secret conversation. He denied having secret convo and doesnt know why their convo was labeled like that. I confronted the woman involved and she said she doesnt know and when she let me borrow her phone their conversation was deleted. She said she doesnt know why it was deleted. And denied having secret conversation but said to joke about telling my bf that she admitted them having secret conversation. Our relationship continues but i get more insecure, jealous, hypervigilant and anxious. I even look down about mysel and truth is the relationship we have is slowly breaking apart because i keep doubting him and he cant give me the assurance i need because he thinks im attacking him or labeling him a cheater. It went to the point of shouting and calling names. I was told he is changing the way he is because i kept focusing on my own feelings without thinking about his and that im so into focusing on my healing that its making him a robot not to feel or do anything. Idk anymore what to do about this.
@SaltedCaramel123
I am sorry you are dealing with this, but both parties have admitted a conversation one deleted on the other does it matter what it was labeled? we can only change ourselves and realize they will change too and be more accepting of that. Jealousy and anxiety about what might happen is like taking poison.
If the relationship is strained and he is not getting support for his feelings too arguing about it is like pouring gas on a fire. during times of change his or yours there will be growing pains and missteps.
But whenever i talk about my pain to him. He invalidates my hurt. At some point i feel betrayed by seeing that label.
@SaltedCaramel123
I hear you and maybe you will need to find a different way to share with him.
my spouse often invalidated things i said and i learned to use the "I feel" statements telling them how their responses made me feel and made them look insensitive and uncaring making them reflect on their selves.
I feel giving any item like a label or item power to remind or upset us it is counter active.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, reading your post, I can feel how completely exhausted, anxious, and overwhelmed you are.
First off, please stop blaming yourself for feeling insecure. What you are feeling right now is a completely normal reaction to a situation that just doesn't add up.
When you find a "Secret Conversation" tag, both people claim they have "no idea" how it got there, chats mysteriously end up deleted, and then jokes are made about it—of course your brain is going to go into hypervigilance! That isn't you being "crazy" or "insecure"—that is your intuition trying to protect you because something feels off, and the explanations you were given didn't offer any real clarity or closure.
It hurts so much when you're seeking reassurance from your partner, but instead of comforting you, they get defensive, turn it back on you, and make you feel like you are the problem for having feelings. That dynamic leads straight to shouting, name-calling, and feeling like you're losing yourself.
A few things I really want you to hear right now:
Your feelings are valid. You aren't "crazy" for needing honesty and clarity in a relationship.
Defensiveness blocks healing. When a partner cares about your peace of mind, they listen and work with you to rebuild trust—they don't make you feel guilty for being hurt.
You deserve peace. Right now, this situation is draining your self-worth and mental health, and that isn't fair to you.
Take a deep breath. Try to step back from the arguments for a moment and ask yourself: Is this relationship bringing me peace, or is it constantly making me doubt my own sanity?
You deserve to be with someone where you feel safe, heard, and secure—without having to fight for basic reassurance. Sending you a lot of strength right now. 🫂
Truth is we kept fighting over it because he thinks i dont see or acknowledge his efforts. At some point he told me that can my overthinking be fought by remembering his effort and reasons why he wouldnt do it? Even before he keeps telling me i was the one he like and introduced me to everyone and its been a long time that he didnt get into relationship because he doesnt fall to amyone easily. So why would he make a secret convo with someone just to destroy what he was trying to build with me and he said he doesnt know what kind of reassurance i need because he already exhausted all the ideas he can think of. Introducing me to everyone in his life and his family. Updating me wherever he go. Still no matter how much he shows or proof things to me he said i still keep finding faults or trying to prove that he is cheating on me even if he was never labeled a cheater and the person who was cheated on by ex was him so idk am i starting to be the problem?