Should i break up with my gf?
We have been together for 2 years and we have been arguing so much constantly over the last few months. She wants me to start doing more "boyfriend activities" be more romantic, which i am trying but i struggle a lot to be consistent. We are long distance and heavily depend on buses to see eachother once every 1-2 weeks. Everytime i start doing something even little things, after a couple days we argue about it again and i lose my momentum and i stay passive. I really dont know what to do. I am really trying to treat her the best i can but i always become passive and nothing changes.
@loyalBunny9733
Two years is a long time to be together with someone. I imagine that the relationship being long distance can be challenging, and it is hard to do certain things when you only see each other once every one to two weeks. It sounds like things have been tense between you both for a few months now based on the arguing that is happening. I can understand losing your momentum and becoming passive when you start doing little things and then find that in a couple days, you both are arguing about it again. It sounds like you really do like your girlfriend and that is why you are trying to treat her the best that you can but you're just struggling here. I can understand her wanting romance. It is hard however to do much romance when there is so much arguing and so much physical distance. Your thread is titled asking us if we think you should break up with your gf or not. This decision is ultimately up to you but based on your response, it sounds like you want to keep trying. Is there anyway where you both could plan an actual romantic trip or time together, whether in your town or her town?
Sorry for not clarifying, but i asked that in the title because we are currently on a small break to think about wether it is worth continuing, if there is a chance that it can get better or if the cycle will just continue. But yes we can plan for those things in the following weeks, if we decide to keep trying
@loyalBunny9733
Oh I get that. A break sounds like it can be helpful if used correctly. Next time you talk to her, maybe see if you guys can find a time to really talk everything out, every frustration that you both have. It could be that being long distance is making it impossible to stay together and if possible, changes might need to happen.
Yes we did talk about our frustrations, but it seems like we keep repeating the same loop every week or so. So thats why. Maybe we are not compatible and have different needs that dont pair well. We will see
Maybe. That could be true. I hope you’re both able to figure it out
@loyalBunny9733
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Having different needs in any relationship can be tough - let alone one where long distance is a factor and there can be extra pressure to deal with travel plans and make every single second matter.
The best you can do, should you choose to continue the relationship, is communicate about it in an informed way. What does "boyfriend activities" mean to her? What does that phrase mean to you? Is it something you can tangibly point to and provide, or is she being too vague and unclear about what she expects? Do you have things you need from her that you also aren't getting in return?
If you're not already familiar, look into the five love languages. It can give you both the tools to speak more clearly about what you need. I'm a "quality time/words of affirmation" person while my partner is very much "physical touch." This has led to friction before, but knowing and having words for these things makes it easier to talk openly about it and find solutions if someone's need isn't getting met.
If you decide not to continue the relationship, that's perfectly okay too. Two years is a long time but it doesn't have to define the rest of your "forever" if things just aren't working out. If this is where it ends, it sucks but you'll both come away having learned from it and with a better idea of what kind of qualities to seek out in future relationship partners.
@loyalBunny9733 Thank you for opening up about this, it's clear you care and you're genuinely trying, even when it's hard to stay consistent. That cycle of trying, slipping, then arguing again sounds draining for both of you. Can I ask, when you go passive, is it that you run out of energy, or that the arguments make you shut down? I'm not here to tell you whether to stay or leave, but I'd love to help you figure out what's really going on underneath the pattern. 💛
Hello thank you as well for your reply. I feel like most of the times the arguments make me shut down. Its like i struggle to think my mind goes blank. And its like this for a few days my mind goes blank and i cant even think to do things for her. As i said in my replies to another person, i forgot to mention that we are thinking about wether breaking up or staying is the better choice for both of us. We either stay and the loop continues, or we just end it. We always chose the first one but i genuinely dont know how we can make it work. Its also worth noting that, whenever she has a problem with me, she almost always becomes aggressive and tries to insult me in different ways. I have told this her so many times but again she still does it. Our latest argument was when i told her i dont like when she does this and that a relationship its supposed to be safe and she right away went to insult my manhood and even called this "gay".
Sorry for the yap lol, and thank you again
@loyalBunny9733
Hi - I am so sorry to hear you're going through this, this must be really exhausting and tiring. Having different needs in any relationship is really normal and of course can be difficult ❤️ Long factor is a huge player in this relationship for you and that creates a very normal layer of pressure to deal with travel plans and to constantly travel to make things work can be very rough individually. ❤️
The best you can do, should you choose to continue the relationship, is to genuinely communicate about how you feel and what is happening in your mind in an informed way. For example, what does "boyfriend activities" mean to her exactly, ask her to give examples and what love language speaks to her? Tell her you love her if you still do and ask her is she being too unclear in her expressions about what she expects?
Whatever happens, this community and this space is here for you to support and listen to you ❤️ You are not alone and remember you deserve happiness too in any relationship!
What she wants is me to do more romantic stuff such as writing her things, small gifts, planning dates, being more intimate, things of this nature. All i ever ask from her is to not insult me whenever she has a complaint with me because i want to feel like im in a safe relationship, and yet i ask for too much. And its like im dont feel appreciated unless i do EXACTLY the things the way she had in her mind