Struggling with intrusive thoughts

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2yrs now. We started off long distance cause he was in the military and now he’s back home. He and I have gone through a lot together. But about 5months ago he reached out to his ex (his first gf of 3yrs) to apologize about how they left things, I was okay with this because he seemed troubled about accidentally running into her the other day. After that happened we had a long conversation about how he didn’t want a friendship or anything with her, he only wanted to apologize and be done. He said that he didn’t think he could be friends with her because he still might have some feelings for her and that he wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship because of that. A week goes by and he changed his mind and wanted to be her friend and he wanted me to meet her and for all of us to hang out. I was upset because I didn’t understand why after our conversation would he think I would be okay with that. I told him that I don’t feel comfortable with that because of what we discussed. And he took it as me controlling who he can be friends with. He got super angry and we had a huge fight and I left to go home and we didn’t talk the rest of the day. The next day I reached out and asked if we could talk in person cause I figured he probably would’ve cooled down by now. He came to pick me up so we could go somewhere to talk and he was very angry still. I explained to him that I wasn’t trying to control anything he did or who he could be friends with, I was just kind of confused and hurt when he changed his mind so quickly after telling me the other day he could still be in love with her. He was still mad and started talking about how I don’t trust him and trying to come at me by saying I am friends with one of my exes. I told him that’s not the same at all because I was never in love with this guy and he does not have feelings for me at all and we’ve been platonic friends for 4 years now. He was just so mad and he don’t want to listen to my side of things. And he told me he packed my things last night and he wanted to break up and then started naming all these “reasons” why we aren’t good together, and saying we could just be friends. And I was sobbing and I puked a couples tiles cause I was so anxious. I tried to explain to him why we are good together and why I was hurt. And after this long 5hr conversation he apologized and said he doesn’t want to lose me and that he loves me so much, that’s he doesn’t want to break up cause that would be the biggest mistake he could ever make. I was not okay after that because how can you break someone’s heart and then take it back? After that fight/break up he told me that he was going to talk to her anymore and he blocked her.

I’ve told him in the beginning of our relationship that I have abandonment issues and that I need someone who is patient and who stays to talk to me about things.

After that I was so shut down and drained. The next day I started having so many intrusive thoughts. Why did he change his mind? How could he be so mad over this that he broke up with me and wanted to walk away from everything we have? Is he still talking to her? He was going to leave me. He packed my things to give back to me.

All I felt was pain in my heart and I was so sad on the inside and conflicted and confused and hurt. He cares about me I could tell cause he was constantly trying to be there and ask me if I’m okay or what I need. Eventually I was able to open up a bit and tell him all the thoughts I’ve been having. He was able to answer the questions for me and have a long conversation about how I was feeling. Then I had a lot of medical issues, work stuff and family matters going on so I just had to snap back, and I did for awhile. Until one day his family members were wanting to meet me at this family party his mom was having and I had to work but I told him I could come after. He picked me up and I rushed to get ready and we were driving over when his mom called and told us his aunt and uncle left already and he was so disappointed, I felt so bad. I told him well hoping we can see them again soon. And the next day he told me that he doesn’t think that I try hard enough. I started breaking down cause all I want is to see him happy and I care so much about him and I try hard to make everyone happy all the time. He apologized immediately and told me he was just upset that I didn’t get to meet them and he shouldn’t have taking that out on me.

But I was just spreading myself thin and I hadn’t given myself enough time to process things so I just had a mental break down. I was having a *** ton of intrusive thoughts about me not being good enough and wondering if he was talking to someone else and just being paranoid. And I started peaking through his phone which I knew it was wrong. And then he confronted me and asked me what’s wrong and what’s going on and also brought up that he noticed that I’ve been going through his phone lately, which he was fine with but also he wanted to talk about in case there is anything I wanted to ask him. And I was able to open up again and tell about my thoughts and how I’m not okay. We talked through things and I thought I was feeling better cause the thoughts went away again.

Flash forward to recently. I had so much anxiety the other day and I accidentally yelled at him and called him a rude name. I felt so bad. But he got mad at me and was yelling what *** was that for? And really all I needed was a hug to calm down but he was already mad and I couldn’t ask for one so I just told him to leave me alone. Then later after I calmed myself I apologized and and explained what happened. And he was like that wasn’t cool to call me that name but i understand you were having a lot of anxiety. And we made up.

But now I’m starting to have intrusive thoughts again and I’m scared he’s gonna leave. And I’m just spiraling. I don’t want to bring up the past again or make him feel like I don’t trust him. But I also don’t want to avoid him and keep all these thoughts in my brain. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I just feel like I’m beating myself up because I hurt his feelings and I feel like I’m not good enough and I hate myself. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to leave and be with someone better. It’s not fair to treat him like he’s doing something behind my back when all he ever does is try to help and be there for me and actually be a good boyfriend. I don’t know what to do or how to stop having this trigger reaction…