The whole story
Good morning everyone. I’ve been married to my wife for just over 7 years now, and our anniversary was actually yesterday.
Over the years I’ve struggled with feeling unseen and unwanted at times. I had talked with my wife about those feelings before, and things had gotten better, so we continued moving forward with life.
About 8 months ago, I made some choices that I deeply regret. I was spending time on an online community I shouldn’t have been on and ended up developing a connection with another woman. At the time, I was struggling emotionally and felt like I was getting attention and connection that I felt was missing in my marriage. Instead of dealing with those feelings in a healthy way, I made selfish decisions that eventually crossed boundaries and became an emotional affair.
My wife found out about everything about 3 weeks ago. I had already ended the relationship and left the online community about 2 months before she found out, but I had not been completely honest about what had happened.
Since she found out, I’ve tried to be completely open and honest. I’ve started seeing a therapist because I know I have things within myself that I need to work on. I’ve also been trying to understand my attachment issues, my need for reassurance, and the impulsive decisions I sometimes make when I’m struggling emotionally.
I take full responsibility for what I did. I’m not trying to make excuses or blame my wife. I hurt someone I love, and I understand why she is having such a difficult time with it.
She has been very clear that she believes divorce may be the right decision and that she may never be able to move past what happened. As painful as that is, I understand that she gets to feel that way.
Unfortunately, I made another poor decision this morning. We had previously discussed that going through each other’s phones was a boundary, and I crossed that boundary. While doing that, I discovered that she had recently reached out to someone from her past because she was also looking for some emotional connection and to feel seen.
We talked about it, and she was honest with me about why she did it. I understand her reasoning because, in a way, I recognize those same feelings in myself. The difference is that I know my actions caused much more damage, and I don’t want to use what she did as a way to justify my own choices.
Honestly, I don’t know what the outcome of our marriage will be. A part of me is still desperately hoping there is an “us” on the other side of this, while another part of me is trying to accept that I may have caused damage that can’t be repaired.
The hardest part right now is dealing with the anxiety and guilt. I know I caused a lot of this situation, and I’m trying to take responsibility for it while also learning how to cope with everything I’m feeling.
Outside of my wife and her dad, I don’t really have much of a support system. I have siblings, but we aren’t particularly close, and I don’t really have anyone I can call when I’m overwhelmed and just need to talk.
I have started therapy, which has been helpful, but it’s only one hour a week. The rest of the time I’m left alone with a lot of thoughts and emotions.
I’m not looking for someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I know there may not be a way to make everything okay. I just believe that the only way through something like this is one step at a time.
What I’m really looking for is someone I can talk to, check in with, and be honest with when things get overwhelming. I need somewhere to put these thoughts instead of carrying all of them around by myself.
I know I made these choices, and I will take responsibility for them. I just don’t want to go through the aftermath completely alone.
If anyone has been through something similar, or even if you just understand what it’s like to feel completely alone while trying to work through something difficult, I’d really appreciate having someone to talk to.
@kevtay1994
I can understand and relate to this. I have tried to look at my situation from an outside view...
it should have been clear when you confessed there was an emotional connection that was lacking. This to me anyway should not be a divorce thing but a call attention to improvement in communication. it sucks to be alone while with someone ... my spouse never remembered day to day what I said when I tried to share my feelings etc. ... never asked anything or showed interest. I was lonely. Then when we have a person who talks to us asks follow-up questions and shows real interest in our opinions or anything it is amazing to feel heard and seen.
To me starting to communicate there would have been the thing to do instead we pull apart farther it seems ... her reaching out seems like not listening again. This was a glaring red flag of the communication issue. It should be a signal that you should both work on a connection I assume you once had.
I tried the therapy route did not get as much out of it as I wished for. It is a couple thing cannot just be fixed by half of the couple. there are some hard truths that we want and need the best friend type vibe we may have had in the beginning instead of assuming we know all there is to know about each other nothing to discuss... people change and grow and if we are on autopilot we wake up and no longer know the person sitting at the table with us during dinner.
This IMO is not something that goes away we may quit talking to someone, but we will want to.
It’s an unfortunate truth of what happens, and I know it and I know that I’m guilty of allowing myself to have gotten lazy in maintaining some of that also, like I well aware of all of my fault in this that has led us to getting a divorce.
To me I would agree that this is something that can be fixed rather than thrown away, but I do understand and respect what she needs out of this ending also.
While I wish every day for a different outcome this is my own doing and I can’t make her decide to try and work things out no matter what I show her or fix myself whether through therapy or otherwise,
But I agree with you though that the communication should have been better but I allowed myself to be somewhere I had no business in and took the attention that was given that I should have ignored.
@kevtay1994
I am sorry this is an end. IMO it does not have to be.
I do not believe in one-sided blame even though you are willing to step up and take blame.
To me I had hoped when you said you found she reached out to someone it would have been an "ahh ha" moment to understand how you could have found yourself in that situation.
I was hoping for that too after it was found out but unfortunately not, and if nothing else it’s atleast not happened yet where she has come to like any realization.
I still hold out hope that she will because no I agree with you that this is for sure something that can be rebuilt but if she doesn’t want to allow herself to see or feel that I unfortunately can’t make her no matter how much I wish and will it.
It hurts and it sucks and it’s hard right now even though this is my doing and no I don’t 100% agree with the one sided blame either, but in this case when I was feeling unseen I didn’t talk to her and give her the opportunity this last time I was feeling this way, which is why I take all the responsibility for it all.
She can’t fix something she didn’t know was a problem
@kevtay1994
I understand but that is a part of the problem in a way... our partners should know when our communication has fallen off or we are not communicating.... when we are going thru the motions and not sharing ourselves with each other.
At the time my spouse was straying I was so busy in a work situation and a bit of a depression I simply was not paying attention. When the situation was reversed and he was too focused on himself and did not see I was alone while in same room.. people miss the signs or silence, but I hope people wake up and not take the idea there is NO problem unless someone points it out or explains it to them.
Yeah I understand that too, I’ve always been perceptive to when something has been off with my wife even when it has ended up being nothing,
But I do understand how “easy” it is to allow life to get in the way of relationships which I think everybody ends up being guilty of that to some degree until the choice is made to do something differently
