Told I'm boring
So I've been in a relationship for about 13 years. I seem to be the one that gets bossed around. Doing things in the day to day there are expectations from my partner be it to do with the running of the house or helping family. I do this while balancing a job as well. We're not getting through a week without arguing. It is frustrating. Some of our arguments are around my not focusing on the bigger picture, and poor communication and checking in. I feel like this is impacted by my being responsive to what goes on every day. I think I'm quite black and white. If there is something to check in with I will when I'm ready but if there is nothing to check in about then I don't know what I'm saying. Is this wrong? Clearly my partner wants me to check in with I have not done x y z but to me this feels like admitting I'm not doing enough when I get criticised I'm not good enough so I'm really trying to be conscious of doing the things I should. I almost feel like I'm working off a list and not even being myself now. I feel if I'm doing things at my speed I'm not good enough. This balance doesn't sound quite right I know. To top it off today's argument peaked with I should be able to love and take harsh words and take them at their worst to prove I can take them at their best. Then I essentially got pushed away, told I don't want to talk anymore, respect my boundaries and I'm really boring. I've tried to give some space this afternoon. I'm at a loss of what to do next. Every time I try and start a conversation it's met with defensiveness. Tired.
@conscientiousNickel7021
I can see how you would be tired.
When faced with constant criticism and the need to check in like an employee It gets very old. Do not play into their silent treatment or trying harder to appease them it will only tell them this behavior works on you. why not give them a scorecard of overbearing and nit -picker... that sounds like the action of a person who must be bored to need to emotionally attack their partner.
Thank you @toughTiger6481 I had started to question myself with the constant feeling like I need to be making and effort. It does feel like constant criticism. Like we might have a day or two where things are ok then we'll have a conversation about something unrelated to our relationship and it will turn into resentment towards me because we should be further along in life and this is where we're at now.
I admit I'm not blameless in all this and sometimes when we talk I use examples of but I don't feel like I can walk away (for example) because you told me that comes across as giving up. I got told every time we speak I make it about me and I talk about past events. However I find it quite hypocritical that I keep getting the we should be further along in life, we should be married we should have a big house. Is that not bringing up the past constantly as well? The situation is annoying
@conscientiousNickel7021
You are correct going round and round with we "should' be at this point or someplace, but this is a useless argument. It also becomes a constant moving target measurement that will never be met.
At a point, we need to wipe the score clean and start fresh IF we cannot do that IT is time to let go and move on. it sounds like you are willing to own your part of relationship issues, but he is not being responsible for his part.
@toughTiger6481 it is just that! A moving point of reference that just feels I'm constantly chasing! At least I know I'm not imagining it. I mean they're the one bringing it up all the time. We should have more, be more settled etc etc it just sounds like no matter what I do it's never enough. I've said this before and it just got met with maybe we should have some space. But if I want space don't come back because I'm giving in.
We've kept trying to get on with things but it keeps coming up and it's not by me so clearly it is still a persistent issue because I could be doing more. Not to mention the amount of time that has gone by that I keep getting told I've wasted.
I just don't know what to do now. We've literally been avoiding each other all day. Other family members can notice there's an atmosphere. I haven't got a problem lowering myself to have a conversation but when I say something I quite often get sarcastic responses I've just not bothered to try again. I just feel like I'm constantly chasing. I want to get past this but feel tired and confused by it all
@conscientiousNickel7021
The reality is time cannot be re-done or done over we can only start at the place we are NOW.
bringing it up again and again and sarcasm show you no respect. It does NOTHING to advance your situation but assign blame earned or Not. space / time etc will not change it only prolong things.
@toughTiger6481 I agree and have said this, I can't change what has already been.
They said they would rather stay upstairs away from me because all I do is cause feelings of frustration and anger and they don't want to feel angry or shout so getting out of that situation is the best way to spend the weekend. They would rather spend time alone. So I said that's not helpful to our relationship, I want to get past this, to which I got the reply well this is our pattern now. They've watched 4 films this weekend and I seem fine I'm not upset. I was like I feel like I've wasted the whole weekend. But apparently this is my problem if I haven't done what I wanted. So we're back to ignoring each other now. Not sure I see a way past any of this
@conscientiousNickel7021
I agree with you this may be a time to consider options.
I remember as a small child being told no one can push my mad/ angry button, only me as that is on inside. not only is he blaming you for his inability to control his issues, but avoidance is immature and a waste of your time. find things for yourself do things you want he can join you or sit on the sidelines watching movies while complaining about not being " where " he wants to be in life.
I think you can see the real hold up in your relationship.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you. I think I need to get my head round it's been 13 years and we were friends for at least 5 years before that. We've known each other a long time and I feel like we've both completely missed or ignored the flaws in our relationship with a hope they'd get better or the other person would change. I find myself questioning did they fall in love with me or the potential of me? Because I feel like a lot of criticism comes my way to the extent I don't even feel like I'm being me anymore I'm jus constantly chasing my tail trying to keep up with expectations but those expectations never stop. So I can't fix that time has gone past and I also can't keep up with the moving goal posts. Kinda makes sense feel tired. im starting to wonder...all the negative comments...is it deflection? Making it sound like it's my fault when it's actually quite the opposite. We're not married, we haven't moved house because they haven't wanted to engage in a conversation that way. Someone has got commitment issues I think!
@conscientiousNickel7021
Sometimes we have to realize time invested does not mean we have to stay. when things quit working it is ok to move on. he seems to be deflecting that he is Not where he wants to be because he is not making progress. We change over time, and we need to grow and accept who our partners are now not what we pictured years ago. I am sure you did not picture him as a critic and unhappy person.
@toughTiger6481 that makes sense and is true. I want to make a things work but I don't feel like he wants to. It's not going to work if it's one sided. I even got a comment yesterday about how he'll keep taking whatever I give until I stop because I will stop. We have a daughter (not physically mine but I get called mom) who I feel like I won't have any rights to because we're not married. He also said something along the lines of he doesn't trust me to look after him if he gets sick (does have a physical ailment that slowly gets worse each year and fears it will get to a point where he won't be able to work) or our child. I was like wow for both of those I support every single day...I make sure people get places on time, there's food on table and a tidy house even if it means I'm a bit cheeky with not doing my best in my own job. So I can't work out if that was meant as an insecurity or if that was actually genuinely meant. It hurts either way. This is not what I pictured for myself at all
@conscientiousNickel7021
Absolutely , I would not put up with this.
It's ridiculous to think he can criticise and insult you and say, you should be able to take the good with the bad.
Why the mind games and the immaturity?
Where's the respect?
It's exhausting trying to manage emotions and walk in eggshells.
He needs to know communication is a two way street.
You are not doing anything wrong 💖
Thank you @Amanda84 I think I needed to hear that from someone else. When you get caught up in something or someone it is easy to lose yourself in the wood and not see the trees!
The criticism is them being true in the moment and being genuine in the moment. But it is not something I have ever been ok with. I was always brought up so that if you've got nothing nice to say maybe think twice before saying it. I don't know if that contributes to me being more sensitive to conflict of any kind.
I don't feel like there is any respect. I don't even feel like I'm being me anymore. I feel like I'm working off a list of things I should and shouldn't do so I won't get criticised but then I'm also told that I should be me at the same time. So it's like be me but dont be me. I can't win.
@conscientiousNickel7021
No, you shouldn't have to Garner your reactions to suit him at all or walk on eggshells. He needs to listen to what you say equally and not just dictate a set of rules according to him. I genuinely wish you the best and I hope you see you have value, he doesn't determine it 💖
I think it's the mixed messages of there's an expectation on me. They don't want to be making the decisions all the time but when I say hey we should go out or we should do something if they don't want to they certainly don't. It's made me question both of our values, and do we even see each other for who we are.
Thank you it is comforting to get that reassurance I don't need to rely on someone else. It gets overwhelming sometimes.
@conscientiousNickel7021
not fun. sometimes it goes like this. but if it always goes like this then step back and don't add fuel to the flame. if your being accused or attacked or disrespected, don't defend just calmly move away. other room, other place, don't defend, it just adds fuel. the attack will burn out if no fuel. Think about it like the weather, if its stormy get out of the rain. Go back when its sunny. sometimes in long time relations we get a pattern of conflict. the way to break it is just stop, don't defend, don't explain later, don't win. just walk away and come back later. it can take weeks or months for the pattern to stop and every time you defend the timer starts again. winning will not stop it, only stopping will stop it.
Thank you @BihWaterDog I hadnt actually thought of it like that. Not that I feel like I have to win an argument but I think you are right that when it gets to a point of going round in circles it needs to stop somehow.
Just feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. It's ok for a few days then not for a few days. I'm trying to show my dedication but I feel like I'm just in a holding pattern of something is expected of me
