Too late for me to leave?
Oh boy this is going to be a long post. So I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. I work for him at his company and have been the entire time we've dated, and 4 years before we started seeing each other. I moved in with him and his 2 kids 5 years ago. All was great for the first year or so after I moved in. Then I started noticing behaviors I didnt like. Before I moved I he made it sound like him and I would be splitting household responsibilities evenly. I have done 100% of the cooking, cleaning, errand running, taking his kids to school, picking them up, and cleaning up all 3 of their messes. I have brought up the topic several times and every time he says something to the effect of "thats not my job" and "you don't work so you need to do it". I do work, I work in shipping and receiving at his company. It's hard work. I handle deliveries and outbound shipments. I load and unload product from trucks and verify all the inventory. I also handle all of his online sales in the afternoon/evenings when we get home AFTER a long day of work. He keeps talking about how I need to get a job because he's tired of me not contributing and just "mooching".
I had a foot surgery a few years back that needed some metal and screws implanted, no big deal. As soon as he got to the hospital to pick me up, he was asking me if we could go do lunch out with his parents then go back to their house to help them with some stuff... the nurse helping me hold my barf bag while I was still coming off the anesthesia had to explain to him several times that NO, I cant do that because I just had surgery. Then when we finally did get home, I was a little more alert but not completely there. He barely helped me get from the car to the front door, then when we got settled he turned to me and asked me to go pick his kids up from their mom's house ,then make dinner when I get back because he was hungry. I then had to try to explain to him that NO, I cant do that because I just had surgery, I cant drive. Their mom ended up dropping them off but I still had to make dinner.
I had a tooth break about 6 months ago and I went to the emergency dentist who is a friend of my family. He gave me a deep discount on the removal of the broken tooth and a quote on a dental implant since the tooth is a front most tooth and it is *very* visible that I'm missing the tooth now and I wanted it fixed. I told my husband the quoted price which was less than half of what other dentists would charge me. He didnt say much so I dropped the conversation. A week or so later he brings up the tooth again and he told me he is only hesitating on paying for the implant because he thinks I'm "just money grabbing". This is after 9 years of me doing everything I possibly can to save this man a dollar. I shop the best deals on groceries i can for him and his kids on the foods they prefer. I eat foods I don't particularly like the majority of the time because they're extremely cheap. I don't go on shopping sprees. Ive had the same wardrobe for years. I cook almost all meals at home to save money, unless we are going out to eat with family or if he is craving a particular restaurant.
At home I continue to get treated like just an employee. I am talked down to. If he asks (tells) me to do something and I get busy with a chore or other task and forget he'll come in the room barking about "i asked you to do this why isn't it done yet". He has taught his kids this awful behavior as well. They both talk to me like I am subhuman. I was diagnosed with MS several years ago but Im extremely functional, it doesn't significantly impact my life yet. Ill have a down day once in a while but that's it. His daughter, who is 18, has it in her mind that she's in charge of me and the house. She has tried telling me before that I can or cant go somewhere because "dad told me I'm in charge of you, you're disabled so you cant decide what you get to do". Thats just one example. Ive brought the behaviors up to my boyfriend and he shrugged and said he will not address it unless he hears her say something he thinks is rude. She knows this. She's made it a point to only act up in the car to or from school or when my bf is in the shower. She has damaged my car and wouldn't even apologize, she thought it was funny.
His son is 13 and just completely undisciplined. He'll walk in the kitchen or wherever I'm doing something and say "dinner." Or "drink. Now". My boyfriend doesn't say anything to him about it. Im not allowed to address anything with his kids since I'm not family. If the boy doesn't get something he wants he'll just start screaming about how he hates all of us and his family and he'll start slamming things around the house. Again, bf does nothing. Things like this happen several times a day, every day. About a year ago we were in my car coming home from something and the boy got mad about something, and to show how mad he was he peed right on my backseat. No he was not made to clean it up. I had to. My car STILL smells on hot days. He had to be removed from in person school because of his behavior and outbursts. He has been evaluated and does not have any disorders.
These are just small examples off the top of my head.
I walk around stressed out all day almost every day. Im seeing a psychiatrist regularly, I am on alot of meds because of all this. I want to leave my bf so bad. I just cant find a way to. I cant get a different job to start saving money because my bf has made such a stink over how inconvenient it is for him that I don't want to hear it. I have been applying but he wont let me use him as a reference. I do not have any access to finances. I do not have a dollar to my name. I don't technically have a car, "my" car is in his name. When I moved in he had me sell the 2 vehicles I owned to put towards this car and he would pay the rest. He wont transfer it to my name. He has isolated me with how busy I stay with work and all the tasks I handle so I don't have friends, I don't have anywhere I can stay for a period of time. I had been going to therapy but I had to stop because he doesn't like frequent appointments because "theyre disruptive". I tried virtual therapy but he would always walk in and want to sit and listen or interject himself. He makes me out to be this ungrateful psychotic bad guy to his family every time him and I fight.
Im not at all implying I'm this perfect, wonderful person who can do no wrong. I have bad days, I get mad when things like what I've mentioned happen and I'm not always calm and polite to him about it. Im not always fun and smiling and joking. Ive done my best to stay with him and have given 110% no matter what was going on. He cheated on me the first 4 years of our relationship with his ex wife (kids' mom). I found out after I moved in. I still stayed. I get belittled about having MS alot, thats posted in another forum.
Im just exhausted. If I left would I be overreacting? Is it too late to leave or should I keep trying? Is this just how men are, am I just expecting too much?
@HazelOlive98
You are not expecting too much.
If respect and appreciation is too much, what kind of world are we living in.
Funny how it's the man always doing the demanding.
And how dare someone expect you to do everything for their kids while at the same time, saying you've no say, because they are not your kids.
You do work too and very hard.
And he has no right to demand you do anything around the house that he doesn't his hand to either.
It's a partnership.
You are his equal.
He's not your boss.
I know, no one is perfect but respect and kindness when you need it too, isn't too much to ask for.
And to be reciprocated.
It's not all about him 💚
@Amanda84 thank you, really. It's hard to see any of those things when I've learned to put myself last
@HazelOlive98
Yes, because it's convenient for him 🥺💚
@HazelOlive98
if things are not working for you or are stealing your joy it is not too late to leave. time spent does not mean you have to stay. All the work you do for his company is that as a on the book's employee? if you are working in evening is that covered by OT? You would have a ton of legal leverage if you have just worked to help business and he is not listed you as an employee.
You agreed to sharing chores let his half go. you have put up with enough if this cannot be a shared relationship of equal partners .... you are shortchanging yourself. IF you are thinking of leaving make a plan, take care of YOU. Maybe a job elsewhere and he can find a new shipping / receiving and a housekeeper too.
We cannot change how others chose to treat us but we DO have control to NOT accept that.
You need to get out of there immediately. No it's not too late and no not every man is like this he just don't deserve you. He just needed a maid so hes treating you like this. You have to take first step and get out of there you might struggle for sometime but you will find happiness someday . You are a human being and you deserve respect no on have any right to treat you like this. But to be fair you waited too long you always knew he's toxic and using you as he sees fit. You are feeling it's toolate because you waited too long to tell him he's toxic and he doesn't deserve someone like you. Hope you find the courage to get out of there.
@HazelOlive98
I think my perception of your situation, based on what you've explained, is that you've been subjected to extensive emotional abuse.
Perhaps you've heard the analogy of a frog in a pot on the stove. Turn the heat on, and the frog will react and immediately jump out of the pot. Raise the temperature slowly, for example, one or 2° per day. The frog won't notice the gradual change until it's too late and it is cooked.
I suspect that like the frog, the way you have been treated, has been gradually getting worse, and also like the frog, you have come to accept the unacceptable for far too long.
Leaving would not be overreacting, although I can understand why you would question the decision after so many years of feeling oppressed.
Does your therapist really understand what is happening in your life? I am asking because I would expect that you would be provided with more assistance than just medication. In many communities, it's possible to dial 211, and receive guidance to resources that help people get away from abusive situations. There may be another way to receive emergency assistance in your area.
Maybe I’m coming on too strong here, but I’ve been around similar situations for decades, and my heart goes out to you. You deserve to be treated with genuine respect.
@Spiritriver Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. The frog in the pot is an excellent analogy.
I do think that my therapist has a good understanding of what is actually happening over here. She has suggested many other things that may be helpful to me mentally like support groups, journaling, more frequent appointments to discuss things and so on. I have chosen not to do any of those things though, my boyfriend doesnt like frequent appointments or outings, so to preserve whats left of my sanity i pick my battles.
She has also referred me over to several different services available in my area that I have reached out to and have gotten some things rolling, so hopefully thats a start
@HazelOlive98
It sounds like your therapist is making suggestions based on what she believes you’re potentially ready to act on, but perhaps she’s not making recommendations for actions that may be significantly more helpful, but she feels are steps you’re not yet ready to take.
She’s suggested a few different coping strategies, like support groups, more frequent appointments etc., but it sounds like your boyfriend would rather you didn’t have access to such emotional survival strategies. What do you think is his reasoning?
I’m glad she’s referred you to other services. I’d like to hear how things are going for you, if you’re willing to stay in touch.
@Spiritriver hi again, sorry for the delay in reply. I would love to stay in touch, I really appreciate the support! I suspect his discomfort with these types of things is just a control issue. In past arguments he has thrown in my face that he's "extremely supportive" of me because he "let's me go to my doctor's appointments" pertaining to the MS. I think the key phrase for him is "LETS" me. He's extremely controlling overall so that wouldn't surprise me
@HazelOlive98
Control and obsession can't coexist. Control and insecurity/fear can't coexist. Control and self-responsibility can't coexist. Control and trust..?
The thing that broke my heart and led to the end of an 18 year relationship was the realization that control and respect can't coexist, and without respect, there can be no love.
A great many relationships persist in the absence of love, but even then, there must be agreement between partners to make it sustainable. It sounds like in your situation, one person is demanding/coercing while the other has no choice but to agree. Some relationships go on forever like that.
When my 18 year marriage ended, I was absolutely determined to remain alone because all I'd ever known were troubled relationships and marriages. I felt as though another heartbreak would be too much to endure.
3 years later, I met someone. We took it REALLY slow. Early on, she said some things that just about convinced me that I should quit seeing her. Our backgrounds were very different, and she didn't understand my family's dysfunctional dynamics, and said some very irresponsible things.
That was 33 years ago, and we've been happy since. In fact, I could never have imagined that a relationship could be so good.
I've asked myself, would I have come to regret the dissolution of my first marriage if I'd remained alone all these years. The answer is an emphatic no!
I realized that I needed to let go of what was not working in order to find a situation that would.
@HazelOlive98
I messed up the first sentence. It should read, Control and obsession can coexist. Control and insecurity/fear can coexist. Control and self-responsibility can't coexist. Control and trust..?
The point I was trying to make is that control and genuine love aren't compatible.
