Ungrateful for What I Have
So, I was working around the house, and as always, my brain wanders. I recall a few times when my boyfriend told me, "anyone else would kill to live rent-free in a house."
I want to briefly go over the things I usually stress over that would make him say this to me. Tell me whether or not you would kill to live rent-free in this situation: you solely clean and feed over 15 snakes, as well as multiple cages full of rats, you don't feel comfortable doing much on your own and don't know how anyway, you clean the dishes, you put away the laundry, and you have to share your boyfriend with another person (a "poly" thing). You also go to college full-time, and nobody wants to lighten your load around the house during busy semesters, even if they say they will.
Upsides to this situation are that you don't have to pay bills or buy the groceries, and people will drive you places sometimes if they feel up to it. You never have to buy the gas either. You just sit in the house most days doing whatever you have to do and trying not to put off tasks for too long. However, this does not mean you have loads of free time. You might actually be the busiest person in the house.
On another note...
Why I put it in the relationship forum is because my boyfriend (and sometimes his other girlfriend) is largely why I am this busy. The animals were their idea before I even came into the picture, and they tend to take up more time and energy than any amount of dishes. I am beginning to feel much less attracted to him on top of all of this. Perhaps even because of all these things, but I'm not entirely sure. I can't even tell him because, when I do, he just takes it as an attack and threatens to kick me out. I'm really scared of being homeless in this state. I mean, he sometimes tries hard not to be this way when I open up, but it's taken him about a decade to make any noticeable attempts to improve, and I still worry I could say something with a tone he doesn't like by accident. It took a series of arguably traumatic events to happen, you know. The worst part is that they get mentioned sometimes when he is feeling griefed by me.
This is again me saying a lot about my life just to get another perspective on it, and I hope I don't regret it. So... would you kill for this? And is there a chance I'm making it sound worse than it really is?
@BusyBird
I am very sorry you find yourself in that situation and NO others would not kill to be used as a slave just for rent and food.
If the animals were their idea they should take care of them period. You said you are going to college. reach out there and find someone or resources to help you even if it is renting a room. Do you have anyone you can contact friends or family?
I would not call this guy your BF I am sure you got into this liking him and he made you feel special ... now it is abuse pure and simple.
@toughTiger6481 No, I don't feel comfortable talking to my family about this. Lots of drama there. I barely get to keep in contact with my grandmas but those are the only ones still talking to me, and I think it would cause more issues if they got involved based on my past experiences.
I actually tried reaching out to my school's counseling services via email but they made it extremely clear that problems I come with must be short-term issues they can handle. I never told them the exact thing I wanted because I wasn't entirely sure myself at the time, if that makes sense. I guess I just wanted someone real to tell me whether or not I was being ridiculous, and then maybe give me the tools to handle it better, you know?
I don't want to get medicated for it, but I'm frequently unhappy. Maybe if I could get anyone to take me to the doctors to get approved for antidepressants, then I will get more than just antidepressants... like someone to talk to? But I'm also afraid to take up the offer to try for antidepressants because I don't want to be medicated at all for the problems.
Sorry for rambling. I just woke up for the morning.
@BusyBird
I understand and was unhappy for a long time with someone that just expected me to go along ... I chose me and found support in new friends and a co-worker... I share too much because for too long i had no one to talk to. I am not a big believer in medicating but to each there own I have known many on antidepressants that did not get the change they wanted they had to be the change even if it was difficult or had to leave others behind us.
@toughTiger6481 Perhaps that is why I also overshare a bit. I worry about "airing our dirty laundry," as they say. I would hate to draw the wrong kind of attention or frame anything incorrectly. I think I'm so used to complaining because I even did this when I lived with my parents as a teen. I would always go online and talk to my friends if I had any, and I still do that to this day but about other people in my life. I just don't want to be the kind of person that complains about everyone that gets too close and ruins their reputation via venting. I've been on the other end of that dynamic before and it got me into some very VERY uncomfortable interactions with people while she was talking about me behind my back. It was just awful and I never want to make anyone feel like I did.
@BusyBird
Absolutely nobody would "kill" for this situation, and you are not making it sound worse than it is, if anything, you are underplaying a deeply unfair and emotionally manipulative living arrangement. While living "rent-free" sounds like a luxury on paper, you are actually paying an incredibly high price with your labor and mental health by acting as a full time, unpaid housekeeper and zookeeper for animals you didn’t even choose, all while balancing a full-time college workload without support. "poly" relationships require consent, intense communication, and equal respect, but here you are being treated as convenient labor by a partner who uses the threat of homelessness to silence you whenever you express unhappiness or a loss of attraction.
@listeningyouout29 I'm not even good at taking care of the house. It's always a mess, and he even does a little bit of the dishes and laundry sometimes but I still have to put them away when they've been cleaned. I frequently put it off, even on days when I am not busy. I don't know why I couldn't do better even before college when I had a lot of free time despite the animals needing me. Now on break when the semester is over, I just sit on my butt a lot. I've gotten lazier.
And I've come to realize he doesn't actually want me to leave, even if he sometimes tells me I'm free to walk out anytime. Just today actually he freaked out because he thought I was about to break up with him for some reason. I just don't understand why he would ever tell me I can go when other times he seems completely terrified of the mere idea of me leaving.
But I hear you on the consent and such. It's tough because everything about the way I even came to be here is complicated. I feel like we are all tied to each other and more or less scared of being abandoned. I know I would not want to be dumped either even if there were times throughout the years I didn't want to be around. It's all stupid complicated and rooted in various old experiences between the three of us. I suspect all of us would be a little worse off in a practical sense if we split, now that I think about it...
I hope none of that was TMI. I'm kind of thinking through it as we speak.
I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, because I really do care and I’m saying this out of concern. I read your story and it honestly made me sad for you.
You keep saying you can’t leave because of rent or the house, but if you keep carrying everything and losing yourself trying to keep the peace, eventually you’re just going to feel exhausted and empty. I think the bigger question is: do you even truly want this relationship anymore?
I’ve lived in beautiful places with someone who didn’t treat me right, and I learned that a nice house doesn’t fix loneliness or emotional pain. Leaving is hard and scary, but staying somewhere you feel unloved or unsupported can slowly break you down too. You deserve a relationship where you feel cared about, respected, and emotionally safe not just housed.
@mscalmcortez It's just hard because I don't know if I am being ungrateful or leaving out crucial details that would change the view. Like... he has been trying to take me out a little more, and he stopped freaking out when I buy stuff for myself with my college money. I try to be fair and mention the good. This is a complaint he has where I guess I fail to see or appreciate what he does for me.
I think part of me has emotionally moved on, and part of me is unable to.
It's also more complicated when we consider my seemingly innate inability to do basic things, which is why I lean on them as if they were my parents. I did bring up my concerns about wanting to learn to be more self-sufficient, but he seems opposed.
I'm just trying to be fair and handle this the right way. I'm tired of tearing down my posts just because I get paranoid when I talk publicly about this stuff sometimes.
Sorry if I missed the point or anything. I just appreciate being told I'm not crazy, you know? Most people usually jump to just telling me to leave him without understanding why I haven't left when I actually wanted to before. Makes me feel like I've been lazy or morally failed somehow, or that I don't have it bad enough to leave if I didn't try harder when times called for it.
Without a job of your own, making money of your own, you will be a powerless. Being powerless makes you a prey animal, like those mice I assume you feed the snakes. Anyone who can find you and metaphorically eat you, will. Get money. Get power. Get freedom.
@sensibleWheel5251 I have always felt like a rabbit or a rat or something...
