Watching it slip away
So my husband and I have been together for 19 years, and married for 16 1/2 of those years. Within the past couple of weeks he's started to be more distant and really sketchy about his phone. He says he's not talking to other people, but then says he wants to be alone. I love this man so much and I feel like he doesnt think the past 19 years mean anything. He refuses to talk about it because he doesn't like talking. I have no idea what to do now and it's really taking a toll on my mind.
@impartialComputer5587
Some of the biggest strains on our minds IMO often are our fears and assumptions. Not talking because he doesn't like it is not really an option. I would come right out and ask what you want to know. If he is chatting with someone his dislike of talking is not stopping him.
I am not a fan of so many trying to get into another person's phone, marriage is not about control. IF you share a phone plan, you could see call/ text log thru some carriers if you have to be sure.
What is your relationship like without this possible problem?
Years put in does not mean marriage is strong. many long-term relationships are on auto pilot
If this is what you fear what would you want to do? if you think there are a few things that could be better, could you change that now?
A friend's spouse assumed not confirmed, so they just stepped up. Giving their partner more attention and time and even talking about their feelings. It was a bit late but made a big difference in my friend's perspective on the whole situation.
do not let your mind run away from you. Often, I found what I feared most was not what I thought.
I do not think people start a talk with someone else just because. Many say something was missing and not working in marriage/ relationship.
I did come out and ask what was going on. He basically said it's not me but he suddenly wants to be alone. Then shut down and won't say anything else. Until from this i thought our marriage was good, he's never given any indication that anything was wrong. So I really can't figure out what's happening right now.
@impartialComputer5587
That is hard.
I just went thru my spouse going thru a depression like event and was very secret or keeping to himself. I just told him although I understand him wanting to deal with being in a funk himself if he cannot talk to me what did that say about us.
Do people tell their spouse if they are unhappy or feeling things are not great? IMO too many hope things get better .... play along because it has always come up from a low before. or my favorite thinking the other person should just know. some do not seem to notice until there is a problem.
I told my spouse I was lonely even when he was in the room and he mocked me. Now he sees I was not joking, and his behavior drove me away faster. sometimes people do NOT listen closely to what their spouse is saying or even not saying.
@impartialComputer5587
You make some really valid points. Fear and assumptions can easily take over when there is a lack of clarity. Honest conversation usually gives more peace than guessing. Trust and communication matter more than control, and it helps to look at the relationship as a whole instead of focusing only on the fear. Sometimes what we worry about most is not the full truth but a sign that something needs attention and care.
Have you ever had situations like this before? Like when he shuts down and doesn't want to talk, maybe try to remember what caused it before.
Don't push him to admit he's cheating, if he is, he won't, if he isn't, this might offend him and maybe break trust in relationship imo
I've never been married, so native idk that I'm talking about, but i would tell him how this situation makes you feel. So like that it makes you anxious or afraid that something is wrong, afraid to lose him, so that's why you're worried. Sharing your feeling might help him open up about what's on his mind.
But not liking to talk, is weird if you've been married for so long, sprouting it didn't come up before. But it's immature, and hopefully he understands it soon.
I hope you work it out
Not saying he's immature, i don't know you people. But i guess this behavior never made him lose relationships before, so he never had to think about it.
Had a guy like that before, was shutting down, when needed to talk about uncomfortable, so it made me spiral and shut down too. We never talked about important to avoid hurting each other maybe, but it ended. So it's want good for anyone
Please tell him things you tell in this post. I wish i still could
