What do I do?
Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years, and at first he was amazing. Now it seems like he’s only interested in my body, pressuring me to do sexual things that I’m not comfortable with but do anyway because I’m too scared to say no. It’s not as easy as just breaking up with him, I only have four friends and that includes my sister and him, so I will really struggle without him. I really don’t know whether to break up with him after our exams because I am currently in year 11 or just wait it out and maybe set some ground rules, although I have tried to set boundaries many times and he just finds a way to guilt trip me into getting rid of these rules one by one. Please, what do I do?
@Gr313v3n
Ooo. You've come to a good place to make more friends. Have you tried the sharing circle? I hope you make lots of friends here.
Regarding your situation with your boyfriend, I understand. It is difficult to stand up for what you want or need, when the relationship means a lot to you. I think you have the right idea to set boundaries. But unfortunately there are some people who will never respect a boundary, no matter what you do.
Maybe you can be your own best friend? If a best friend of yours came to you with this problem, what would you advise them to do?
I haven’t tried the sharing circle yet, where do I find that?
Unfortunately I do not have a best friend, and none of my friends are close enough for me to speak to them about this, which is why I’m here seeking help. Thank you for responding :)
@Gr313v3n
Some details are missing.... Why are you afraid to say no? What do you imagine could happen?
The mere fact that he guilt trips you and won't respect your boundaries tells me you shouldn't be with this person, it sounds like he's taking advantage of you feeling guilty to get what HE wants.
I also feel guilty very easily over anything and my psychologist once told me something that made me change completely how I react on those feelings - first, you need to understand that feelings are signals, they are there to help us and they're trying to tell us something. In my case, in a situation like you're having, I would feel guilty, and the guilt emotion is trying to signal to me that I'm about to do something I don't want to do!
And so I use it as my power to say no. I really hope it'll help you as well.
Then, if I were you, I'd ask my sister to be there with me when I break up with him since there's fear involved. If not, maybe by text?
You can meet people in all kinds of ways, you can subscribe to a course that interests you (photography, ceramic, painting etc.), work, online gaming, MeetUp, etc....
Firstly, I do say no, and he stops but he has this tactic where he goes silent and sulks until I feel bad for him and promise we will do something next time, even if I don’t want too. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m not ready to have sex, but he constantly brings it up and complains that I don’t let him have anything and that everyone else is doing it.
Secondly, I’ve got this little voice in the back of my head saying that one day he’s going to get fed up and do something he’ll regret, maybe rape me even though I keep telling myself he’s not that type of person.
It’s hard, I’ve already tried to break up with him earlier this year. Once I brought it up he started bawling, and it broke me. He reinstates that he is nothing without me, and that if I did break up with him he would kill himself. He’s in such a bad mental state, and I’m worried what I would do if I did break up with him. What’s more worrying is that he’s been like this for a couple years, and he’s unwilling to change his mental health, so I don’t think he’ll ever change.
Thank you for replying, it would help me lots if you could respond to this comment but if you don’t I wish you all the best :)
@Gr313v3n
I must say that you sound like such a sweet person, really! And first of all I want to send you many many virtual hugs 🤗
What you’re saying is very serious, it’s very hard and it’s unfair he’s putting you in this situation to begin with, it’s NOT your responsibility to satisfy all his needs and wants! You’re making it clear you don’t want to do it and you have every single right to feel that way, nothing is wrong with you for not wanting exactly what he wants and I have to say, it sounds like another technique of his to convince you when he tells you that “Everyone else is doing it” (where I come from the response to that is “well if everyone jumped off the roof of a building will you do it as well?”).
About his mental health situation, could you talk to his parents or maybe yours? Is your sister older than you and could help? If not, I would suggest you go talk to someone at school, like a counselor (I’m guessing you’re American but I’m not so I’m not sure how it works) and describe the situation as if you were telling them about a friend’s situation in case you’re not comfortable talking about yourself or if you feel unsafe talking about him.
The most important thing in my opinion is that you put this phrase reallllll good inside your head - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM, HIS ACTIONS, OR HIS DECISIONS.
I'm here for you, the community is here for you, you did well to reach out!
@Gr313v3n
If he’s making you do things you’re uncomfortable doing then I believe you’ll be happier without him.
So what if you have 3 friends including your sister? I’m saying 3 instead of 4 bc real friends don’t make you do anything you’re uncomfortable doing like he’s doing to you and since he is he’s not a real friend to you.
Some people have only 1 friend and some even have no friends but are still happy. It’s not about how many friends you have. It’s about the quality of each friendship and how strong and healthy and honest and loving and supportive each friend is to you.
If you want more friends, go out and find kind people who you can be friends with and begin the process till the friendship is born. Some people like having many friends and I completely understand why and if that’s what makes them happy more power to them. However I don’t believe having so many friends is all that it’s advertised as bc to me it means everyday or every week or whatever it’s always gonna be some friend’s birthday, wedding, some anniversary, need to have a serious conversation with you, etc and and it can get to the point where you’re so mentally and physically drained that you’re exhausted and burnt out. When I say many I actually mean too many as in 50-100 or more or as many as one of my sisters has. My brother recently told me he’s feeling burnt out from everything and needs a break and needs some “me” time which I totally get why.
I’ve always struggled making friends, and I wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s less about the amount of friends I have and rather how close I am with them. Although I only have 3 friends I’m not really close enough to them then I would like to be, and I’ve struggled getting closer to people in fear they will push me away. Thank you for responding :)
@Gr313v3n
I’ve struggled and continue to struggle making friends so I completely get it. But you can do it despite struggling. Struggles aren’t forever just like storms which aren’t forever either. Just gotta keep pushing forward through it till it’s gone.
As for fear, fear can be overcome and it’s been said that fear can be a great motivator. So please don’t let that hold you back and stop you like I believe it’s doing. I’ve let my fears stop me in the past and I paid a heavy price for that as I lost out more than once.
I’ll be friends with you if you want :)
