When is divorce the option?
I married my high school sweetheart out of high school at age 19. We have been married for 11 years. We have had a lot of up and downs in our marriage. She was the center of my world, but I never felt like I was the center of hers. Often felt rejected during the marriage or nothing I did was ever good enough. She is a stay at home mom and we have four kids. She often complained about how much I worked but it’s just the nature of my job. I love what I do and my career is very important to me. I have often regretted getting married so young. I think I started becoming unhappy in the marriage about 6 years ago and slowly stopped trying. I felt like I tried to a lot early in the relationship and she used to be the center of my world. I ended up burying myself in work. I eventually got to a point where I wanted out but was so conflicted because of the children. I also never saw myself ending up in a divorce. I started drinking frequently and had 3 affairs over the last year. I am now sober after completely rehab.
In my mind, I want things to work but I don’t feel it in my heart. I have this internal conflict of holding on to the idea of making it work and not giving a ***. I don’t understand why I can’t make myself try and instead I just distance myself. I do care for her and want the best for her. I feel awful for hurting her. However, I wonder if I’m just at the point of no return and just completely checked out. I really want the best for her. I hate the thought of divorce because I had plans of building a life with her. It’s a very odd place to be in. We are starting marriage counseling this week. I’m wondering if my feelings can change toward her. How can I shift my mindset into really trying? I’ve been struggling with this for quite a while.
@adaptableSummer7286,
let's wait and see how marriage counseling goes.
Remember, the goal of counseling is not to save the marriage. The goal is to communicate again, by being open and honest about feelings, with mutual understanding, without judging.
Meaning, the outcome might be that the two of you come closer, with mutual understanding and respect, yet decide to divorce. Whatever the outcome, if both of you are committed and not focus on trying to save the marriage (because doing so likely means you ignore how your heart truly feels), and you have a decent counselor that both feel safe with, you might end up having a better, deeper connection with your wife. Whatever the outcome.
thank you. I appreciate the input. The other issue I have is that I had fun and could be myself with other females. I don’t feel that with my wife.
@adaptableSummer7286,
that is not another issue, it all revolves around the same issue.
Bring it up during counseling. In such a way that your wife won't feel like you're shopping elsewhere but like "we used to have and I getting get to that feeling anymore, can you help me".
@adaptableSummer7286 I'm proud of you for being able to go to marriage counselling. Whether at the end you stay together or split, you'll have done it together and decided what's best for both of you. Sometimes divorce is the best option as hard as it is. Who knows, you may also find alternative outcomes that work well for the two of you.
@adaptableSummer7286
There are many of us out there living in the same type situation.... maybe we did marry or become committed too early .....
We feel like we can speak openly with others it is easy and fun..... but walk on eggshells around our spouse.... it is often deeper...other annoyances and reasons we feel perhaps unappreciated or unseen..... not listened to....and when we speak to others and it is not so difficult we wonder why can't i speak to spouse like this.
i am sure you even if loving your career/ job wish sometimes you had time to spend more time with your kids etc... i always think in couples where one stays home there is unsaid resentment both ways ..parents who are home sometimes feel jealous of time away talking with adults and a sense of accomplishment.
Working parents wish for a day of no deadlines and whatever annoyance a job holds.
We do not speak about it....... because we feel we will not explain it correctly and in the silence *** grows. learning to speak open and honest and NOT tip toeing around the elephant in the room IF your counseling works you need to be honest and expect nothing less in return.
