Where to start?
I don’t know where to start. Sorry if the post is a bit long.
I have been in my current relationship for close to 20 years, as with all relationships we have had our ups and downs and we have managed to work through most of our issues but since he was diagnosed with depression during COVID things have not been the same. I am not blaming the depression but I am wondering if it’s contributing to our current issues, he has seen someone and is on medication and is having some therapy. Since he’s been on the medication and been in therapy, he has been able to return to work and has stopped hiding out in the bedroom but he is not present at all with me, I sometimes get one-word answers or no responses at all. I feel completely invisible! I have talked to a counselor myself and they helped me realize that my needs are valid too. I have tried many things to get more presence from him but I feel like I’m talking to a wall, I am so incredibly lonely! I managed to get him to agree to couple’s counseling and we have had a couple sessions but I feel like I am dragging and pushing him to attend and to participate. I was so hopeful that counseling would help us and it might yet but I don’t know how to keep living like this.
There is a bit of history of unfaithfulness (if I’m honest on both sides) and I am of course worried about that as well.
Being invisible is so incredibly hard on my self-worth, something that I am always trying to improve.
I’m trying to keep this post from turning into a novel…..thanks for listening!
@LagerthaLisa
Hey there, thanks so much for having the courage to make this post - it sounds like it was really tough for you to open up and write this, so I think it's amazing that you've been able to. I wonder how it felt to read this post back and see it in black and white?
I'm so sorry that you've felt invisible and lonely, it sounds like your partner's moods are really taking their toll on you - I hear that you feel like you can't carry on living like this, and I think that's completely valid given how miserable things have been for you.
I'm so glad that you've been to a counsellor and I'm sorry that couples' therapy hasn't had the impact that you wanted, I think both parties need to be willing and open for it to work, and it sounds like there's just one of you feeling that way at the moment.
If you wanted to talk further, I'd really welcome a chat 1:1, if that would be helpful. Sending strength 💙
@Lyra thank you!
I might take you up on that offer :)
@LagerthaLisa
You are not alone it is so painful to be alone in a relationship and lonely even when with that person. Couples counseling only works if both people participate. it is also a bit of a letdown when they chose to not put in effort to heal.
As you are aware of all these things wearing you down and hard to come back from. depression does take a toll and while we may logically want to support them in this. Sooner or later if our needs are not met resentment grows.
I found in a similar situation I spoke up and let my partner know that my patience had a limit. While understanding his issues I would not and could not wait forever with him not making effort. I too entertained the idea of having needs met with someone else.
@toughTiger6481 thank you for you thoughts and words