Wifes affair possibly open relationship?
So, i have been dealing with my wife having a full blown online affair for 7 days now. Durring the concluding talk for the day that got a bit heated...i was telling her how what she is doing to me was *** ing hurting me deeply, so much so that it was causing chest pains, hot flashes, dizziness, and so many sleepless night. Towards the end of the low level argument i started in about her needs being met through this online affair and how i have had needs that she hasnt met in a long time also...as a fleeting comment with no intention behind it i asked her "so what are we gonna do? Let go of all the rules and just live in a full blown open relationship!?"....to my surprise. She said that would be an option she would be willing to talk about but that it would have to have certain rules attached to it (like not bringing anyone to the house for the sake of our 9 year old son) as an example....is this a good thing? I know it holds major risk, but our relationship is not the same anymore...the idea is to keep the family element present for our son but having our needs met on both sides as well...she told me that she "has love for me" but isnt "in love" anymore. She also said that we could be good friends in this dynamic and work back towards something more possibly rather than get a divorce. Though its truly not what i wanted...the idea has me intrigued in all honesty. Id like to hear opinions from you guys and ladies out there for a matter of perspective. What do you think about this?
@Ryan575
Thank you for being honest about this. I understand you must feel terrible under such circumstances. And I am aware of the fact lots of people (including myself) would do nothing else than put an end to a relationship as soon as the infidelity has come to light.
Looking from the logical and strictly mechanical point of view: You and your spouse are living in the same house or flat, together with your son. She is seeing someone else outside, and you are seeing someone else outside. And still you are both parents, sharing your responsibilities about the house and the child. Sounds almost perfect. But is it?
I knew someone who was sleeping in the same bed with his wife who had said she didn't love him anymore and did no longer want him at all. And I personally experienced living in the same flat with someone who suddenly became a stranger to me—thinking about the wellbeing of our kids. What can I tell is in both cases it was mentally devastating, and the first thing you should do after living like this for years is... seeing a therapist.
Last but not least, the desire behind your wife's way of thinking is for your kid to have a "normal" family. What do you think is the idea of the family your child takes from home? Of mom and dad living together, even though being emotionally far away? Or of meeting a single mom and a single dad separately?
The milk has already been spilled... Everything we can do now is either trying to stop the leakage (maybe a couple therapy?) or to let it go further (as your spouse seems to easy to accept it).
There seem to be not any "good" choices here.
Maybe some solution is to check what is closer to the top of your list of priority values: Is it "convenience" or "keeping up the appearances"? Or is it "sanity" or "truth"? And to which of them "caring about your child" belongs?
@Ryan575
Every example of this "open" did not work well. most ended in ugly divorces in a short time.
It is putting on a play for your child and they can see more then we realize. I am sure they already have felt or saw the tension. If you find someone that treats you well and develop feelings for they are not going to want to be a side thing and not really a part of your life.
Thank you for sharing your honest opinion and offering perspective. I really do appreciate it. I guess the problem with my wife and myself's current situation is that we had already opened up the marriage to some degree at one point in our relationship. However, due to it having a couple of bad experiences i had believed that we had shut that option down (it also was a bit one sided), this recent emotional affair has been devastating to me personally because of a few factors, #1 it was cocieved behind my back, #2 the emotional connection that me and my wife shared at a point had diminished down to practically nothing (mostly one sided), #3 intimacy between her an I had become nonexistent over the past couple years (so my needs werent being met on atleast 2 levels of our marriage), and #4 there has been a complete lack of companionship between us fore some time now. (It seems to me that our marriage is and has been majorly on the rocks anyway). With that being said, is my wife and I deciding to turn back time, start over at the baseline of the foundation of our relationship a bad idea collectively? Or could it potentially give way for an oportunity for recovery and individual growth? Our marriage and relationship is on its way out anyhow at this point, so is it okay as a final attempt to save us, preserve our humanity, "save face" with our kids/family if the end result may be the same? Maybe not, i dont know. These times are confusing to be honest.
@Ryan575
Thank you for posting and showing me the other side of this ... I often justified when I messaged with friend that it was all about the disconnect I felt. I know the disconnect the no intimacy of any sort..I feel your pain. I frankly did not consider if it would hurt spouse because i was getting the attention / support and someone showing me affection.
The thing about marriage is it is harder the longer it is ... we change as people we may find we grow at different paces and when we are in one mode and partner still see what used to be as the answer...
It will never be back to the beginning or from the base ... because we are not those people anymore.
It requires building on the people you are now. I have offered counseling because i think he needs to see who i am now .......he does not he tries to appease me with things i wanted to do a decade ago but now have zero interest in. It is very hard to get back to each other. Going back to when it was good is like trying to recreate a spontaneous moment.
@Ryan575
I do not mean to be a downer on this ......I too am struggling as i know holding on to Online friend has come to not as fun exciting anymore because it will not be more...
I see now how hard it would be if partner found out... our connection / simple intimacy and even respect for each other has diminished farther then it was when i started chatting. . I always felt he would never know but then i started comparing if friend understood me better etc. took me a long time but as i said before the details are the fantasy/ dream killer.
i can build a better situation with spouse and live a happier life.... something new ...but will never be what it once was too much water under the bridge.
I completely understand what you are/were saying and im sorry if my words implied that i had interpreted your statements as having any kind of negative undetone. Your advice and meaningul statements were well recieved.😊 I can most definitely relate with what you said about the online relationship and the effects that they are having on your relationship and you as a person just the same as my own and my wifes. I do have to say though, even with all of the sadness, pain, and disparity i have felt within me and my marriage currently...since braching the topic of changing our marriage dynamic yesterday...the change was immediate...we are talking, sharing, and feeling eachothers thoughts and emotions again on a level that has not existed fore some time now. Maybe it ends up being only temporary, and i hope thats not the case. Atleast it is happening now. Needs come from both sides of any relationship, and there must remain a balance. Im not sure if this is the answer, but i am willing to give way to the possibility that it could be a step in the right direction simply because divorce was pretty much the only other option given the fact that right now, she is unwilling to let this online affair go.
Hey, first of all I just want to acknowledge how deeply painful what you’re going through is. You’ve only been sitting with this for a week, and your world has already shifted in a massive way. The chest pains, the dizziness, the sleepless nights… that’s your body sounding the alarm. What’s happening hurts, and that’s okay to say out loud.
Now, about what she said… I can understand how the idea of an open relationship, especially framed as a way to protect your family unit and keep things “functional” for your son, might feel intriguing maybe even like a strange kind of relief, given all the uncertainty you’re sitting in right now. But it’s also a crossroads moment. And it's important to step into it with eyes wide open.
An open relationship doesn’t fix betrayal. It can only work when there’s already strong communication, trust, mutual respect, and agreement not as a reaction to pain, but as an intentional decision by two people who are emotionally aligned. Right now, it sounds like you’re still trying to breathe through the shock of what’s happened, and she’s already emotionally disengaged enough to consider new terms. That imbalance is something to be cautious of.
Also, her saying she “has love” but isn’t “in love” anymore that’s a wound that can’t be healed by new rules or external connections. It needs truth, time, and real emotional safety if there’s ever a chance of rediscovery.
If you’re genuinely curious about exploring this kind of dynamic, that’s your right no judgment. But make sure it’s not coming from a place of fear, loss, or just trying to hold on to what’s left. You deserve more than emotional crumbs. You deserve a relationship where you’re wanted fully, not just logistically or parentally.
My advice? Don’t rush into anything. Find a counsellor for yourself if you haven’t already. Get clear on your own needs, your boundaries, your worth. And if you do revisit the idea of an open dynamic, only do it if you’re walking into it with full agency not as a last-ditch compromise to stop the bleeding.
You’re not alone, man. Keep talking. Keep feeling. You’re allowed to grieve what’s been lost before trying to reshape it.
Thank you! I very much appreciate you taking the time to offer advice and kind words of encouragement. Im at a point in which i feel that there is truly no right or wrong answer. The end result may be the same on whichever decision is made. Its a conundrum that has been manifested through past choices by myself as well as my wife to step out of the normalcy shell that society in general has defined as the correct way to do relationships. A lot of the errors made throught this journey have been my own. I aknowledge that and hold myself to it, believe it or not. My wife has been amazing to me for the majority of our marriage and it isnt until recently (mostly due to my own negligence) that this situation has come to fruition. The pain and misery i hold is partly due to my own choices but she did cross a boundarywhen she started this behind my back, and in a short timeframe took it to a level that she knew it shouldnt go to. This is a very difficult situation and its very hard to know which way to steer towards. The pathways are all clouded with a fog of different emotions, losses, gains, potentials, and risks that remain unforseen. It really complicates things no matter how you look at it you know?