Would I be considered a coward if I wanna divorce over money?
I (27f) am married to my husband (31m) for about 9 years now. Bit of background, I grew up poor and with a traumatic childhood. Into my teen and adulthood I have made alot of regrettable decisions. My biggest one. Money spending. When I was 19, I stole over 1000 from my mom and dad which resulted with me getting kicked out (rightfully so). They ended up taking me back in a couple months later when they people I lived with were moving. So that's a bit of context. Even now, married and moved I still have struggled with buying thing even if I knew I was broke. Recently I stopped working to focus on school. My husband gave me *allowance* of 100 per week so I could have not be completely useless. But my habit started kicking up again. My husband pays all the bills now with salary that rivals probably most of Americans. I have 2 cards. One where he gives my allowance and another that is *strictly* for bills. The last year I have really struggled with controlling my spending. To the point he has reprimanded me a couple times like a child because I keep going over budget or on things he deems useless or unnecessary. I keep telling myself to stop and get in under control and for awhile it was working because I genuinely felt horrible. Fast forward to my trip back to my hometown, I once again fell into my habit to which he called (he stayed behind because he had to work). He didn't yell, he didn't say much of anything besides waiting for me to Give an explanation. I couldn't. He has ignored me to which I understand. Now I know I completely in the wrong and as much as he tells me I'm not, I know I'm a financial burden. Maybe even more. My thing is..
What do I do? I love my husband but I can tell I really have a problem. I don't how to change no matter how many times he sat me down and we talked because I ve done this before. I have a strong urge to maybe call off our marriage not because I'm pouting or petty but because I seriously don't know what to do and I don't want to become the reason this man breaks and become someone he's not mentally. He is a good man with rational thinking. Counseling didn't help me, and I feel like leaving is my only option at this point so maybe he can find a women who will treat him right. Please help or give advice. I genuinely don't know how to control my urge or fix it
@crimsonSkies1892
What type of counseling or how many therapists or counselors did you try? Sometimes it is hard to find the help that will stick or help us understand our urges.
Running away from it .......as your post shows has not helped you either. you are aware of this which is step one to being able to fix .... small bits of time with no urge is great........ but you need to be able to face it and that may be a deep dive to why you feel this way or what might trigger it.
Feeling bad about it and talking about it has not helped so far in the long term ............have you thought about calling him when the urge hits .......not after the fact. similar to those who may want to drink calling a sponsor.
So.. It doesn't sound like you want a divorce over money, it sounds like you want a divorce because your husband is acting very controlling and arguably abusive in the way he reacts to your actions
It's perfectly normal for couples to have agreed upon rules for how to spend money, but those rules should be fair and they should not be set such that he is limiting your freedom or dismissing all your "non-essential" purchases as unreasonable - if he makes lots of money, it's reasonable that you shouldn't be yelled at or scolded for making some small purchases for your own enjoyment.
Obviously he's making money, but he's also ostensibly agreed to support you, so he needs to recognize that that includes your mental health and your personal happiness, not just your most minimal essential needs
You say you need to leave so he can find a woman who will treat him right, but realistically, what you need is somebidy who will treat you right.
I don't want to say that he's the entire problem as that's usually not realistic, but from your words you are blaming yourself for all of this even though YOU YOURSELF seem to realize on a sub-conscious level that this is not okay
Trust your gut
