Advice Needed
So my husband and I have been in a really rough patch lately. Honestly with me wandering if its just a rough patch or if he has changed so fundamentally that hes not even to his core the man I married. For now though I just want to ask about one situation for now, and I'll explain in detail so its not out of context. So I wrote my husband a love letter (hes military so it was sort of a throwback I put his address from basic on it and everything) and left it in a book he takes to work with him as he works night shift and can sometimes read it. Now he hasnt got much sleep and has a 21 to 22 hour day ahead of him. Well I asked him if he was going to read his book and he said probably not so I figured well I'll have to give it away. So I asked him if he would do me a favor and look in his book at some point soon tonight and he said sure. Few hours later when I asked if he had and he got irritated asking why I was nagging him about reading the book, I explained it wasnt about the book that I left him something in it. At this point he was irritated (I am not fully aware why) and tells me he will read the f****** thing when he can. After he does he tells me and I ask what he thought and he just says "what do you want it to mean it was just you reminiscing" at this point I'm hurt and hes at that point where hes just angry and annoyed which pretty much means he shuts down and doesnt care about anything. So I tell him "I'm not okay with the way you are treating me right now and I know the state your in right now so your not going to apologize and I don't want to get off the phone in a fight but I'm not happy with this situation" at this point he says " I'll talk to you later bye" and hangs up. Now we have a promise/deal that even if we are upset with each other we say I love you before we get off the phone so the other knows we just need space and it will be okay. I tried calling him back and even texted asking him to please call back so we can keep our promise, and within the message I also asked him to please do this for me this time. He has read my texts and not replied and has ignored my calls. Its been 3 hours now. I'm not even fully sure what im wanting to know here. But this has been happening often lately and I'm wandering if I should be understanding I guess or not. To me this behavior is immature and he is breaking a promise to me. Is this something many people do and I should just let it go or should I wait for a real apology and not let this behavior be acceptable? Just any thoughts on this would be helpful.
Hi Athena, I think you should give him space for tonight sometimes things don't get resolved until the other person has cooled out. Also you did mention he hasn't been sleeping lately and its obvious he is irritated as you mentioned. But what I wanted to ask was how long has he been acting like this? I definitely think you guys need to talk about this and his behavior though dont let it slide
@Athena2013
That is a very heartfelt and detailed post about the incident. I hear you! I understand how his behaviour hurts and confuses you. I will try my best to go through in detail the events from a neutral perspective, in case it might be of any help at all.
Firstly, yes. He is not the same man he was yesterday, neither are any of us. We change all the time based upon new experiences, circumstances, and maturity. Even some core beliefs stand to be corrected when we become better informed or more experienced.
About the incident, a few points to note -
1. You've been having a rough patch lately
2. You're aware he can sometimes read on the night shift
3. He hasn't had much sleep and a 21-22 hour day ahead
That is the context where you chose to ask if he was going to read. He said probably not.
4. You ignored the "probably not" and chose to go ahead and give it anyway
5. You asked for a favor, for him to look in his book "at some point soon tonight" and he said sure.
Until this point, he has not said or done anything to hurt or confuse you. Rather, by this point, you have disregarded his plans, and asked for a favor.
6. You followed up on the book in a few hours pushing for feedback with no regard again for his work or schedule.
----here he gets irritated and wants to know why.
You mention you were not fully aware why he was irritated, I hope this helps with that.
7. You finally explain after he was irritated, that it wasn't even about the book, but you left something in there.
Despite his annoyance, he listens to you and reads the thing. Also calms down enough to then tell you that he did.
Again, you push for feedback, wanting to know immediately what he thought. He replies with a factual as opposed to emotional response. Can you see why?
.... and at this point you're hurt and he is angry and annoyed
I can go over the rest of it too, if you'd like but mine is already a long post so I'll put it up for you.
It's obvious you both care deeply for each other, so I genuinely hope you are able to clear up any miscommunication or confusion.
