A letter to my mum
My mum and I are civil but not close. We live in different countries. Due to covid we haven't met for years. Recently I visited her by combining it with other visits. She's now talking about coming to visit me. Because of her age, this is likely to be her last visit and she's likely to be very dependant on me during the visit. It is stirring up lots of feelings for me. I'm contemplating writing to her about my feelings. But I'm afraid of potential consequences. I want someone to take the doubt away and tell me what to do. Which I know is unrealistic. But some feedback would be useful. How would you feel if you were a mum and received this? What's helpful/unhelpful?
I’m worried about your proposed visit. I’m worried that it is going to cause me a lot of stress. There is a reason that I only come to visit you for a day or so. It is because that is all I can manage. It is exhausting to manage that level of stress and I don’t enjoy it. I wish it was different, but it is what it is. I’m worried that you won’t want to come for a day. I’m worried that I will be forced into a situation I find difficult with the result that all I will end up feeling is resentment towards you. Which is not an outcome I want.
I don’t want you not to come. I want you to come in such a way that is beneficial to both of us. I think that might be possible. But I think it would involve getting at the root of the resentment, which is in the past and could be very painful. I have no idea if this is something you are willing to do.
You say your reason for coming is to spend time with me. But if that’s what you want, why do you never phone or arrange a video call? This leaves me very confused.
I’m afraid that neither of us is going to enjoy this visit. That you are forcing a last visit that is going to leave us both unhappy. And how is that going to help things?
What I want.
I want acknowledgment that I was unhappy in my childhood. And that my emotional needs were not recognised, let alone met. I want it recognised that I felt that my emotional needs had to come second to your emotional needs and that it is valid to feel resentment as a result of this. I felt and still feel that I had to/have to parent your feelings while also managing my own.
Even now, as I write this, it is taking me ages while I try to word it in such a way as to not hurt your feelings. But who is worrying about my feelings?
You want to come to spend time with me. How much thought have you given to what I want from this visit?
I want an apology for the fact that you have never said that you loved me. I want an apology for the fact that as a child you never made me feel wanted.
I don’t want excuses or reasons. I know why it didn’t happen as it should. What I want is acknowledgment that it didn’t happen as it should. I deserved to feel wanted. I deserved to feel loved. I didn’t.
Part of me wants to try to resolve things with my mum. This part of me wants a close loving relationship. This part of me is afraid of time running out. And doesn’t want to regret not trying.
But I think part of me doesn’t. The part of me that doesn’t know how to do close loving relationships and knows that the chances of it going well are slim. This part of me thinks that I would be best leaving things alone. While we are not close, we are civil and can spend time together. Is it so bad to accept that this the way it is? That to maintain this relationship I have to shoulder the emotional burden and be the better person.
My mum makes me angry, resentful and a little bit disgusted. What if I use her to practice patience and tolerance of people who make me feel angry, resentful and a little bit disgusted? This will be useful for future me. And if I’m successful, could improve the relationship between us. Could this be a way I could try, and thus not regret not trying, without having to confront/involve her?
Thanks for listening.
I'm going to reply to myself!
You're afraid of the consequences of not trying. And afraid of the the consequences of trying.
You've done your best all your life. Whatever you do you will have tried to do your best. You can do no more.
hi how are you, not sure when you wrote this as I see the last response was April 16.
First of all, I would like to say I am really sorry you had to go through so much grief and your mom not loving you properly. I know it must not be easy.
Second, take what I am writing with a grain of salt. You probably know by now that your mom at least up to now has not recognized what she did. I don't know if it's the first time you are attempting this type of communication with her. But, I wonder if maybe you could mention without going into too many details or explanations to her, and just innocently ask, how about you only come over for a couple days?
Again, I don't know if your mom is someone who is manipulative and then ends up getting what she wants. In that case, then yes, you might have to explain yourself. But I wouldn't expect the response you want from her. However, there is a possibility based on whether it's the end of her life if she chooses to change or not. I don't know. Unfortunately none of us can know how she will react, and whatever you do is a risk. I would think hard about how this would make you feel in the long run, i.e. knowing you could do everything you could do resolve the situation amicably while she is alive and in order for you to be at peace later in life. This is not selfish.
Also you must consider you are an adult, and your mother should respect you, not treat you like a child anymore. You really don't owe her any explanations in my opinion.
I wish you good luck whatever you decide or have decided to do, in your best interest
@reliableWest8997
Thanks for your thoughts. The one that really sticks out for me is "you don't owe her explanations". You are so right! In fact I can see that I was justifying to myself and the whole world, not just my mum.
I will have to think about the manipulative bit. I've never seen it like that. Mainly because she doesn't often get what she wants so if she is being manipulative, it's not working out for her very well. And, well, because I think we are all manipulative. We all use relationships to get what we want. It's just that some are more selfish in how they do it than others.
Thanks again for your thoughts. All were useful and kind.
by the way I do not know if this is helpful or not, and apologize if I did not respond to your questions. I am also going through a life/death situation with a parent at this time and it's very stressful, I know what it's like to have to come to terms with everything.
Anyway I meant everything I wrote with a good heart and I would give myself the same advice in that situation
@Clio9876,
it's a good idea to write the letter like you did.
But is it a good idea to send it?
Especially all your wants. She might feel attacked and feeling like you have demands which she will, can't, refuses to meet. Or doesn't understand.
Better to just express your feelings, without demands, without judging, blaming, labeling.
And better to talk to her about your feelings. Written words do not invite for mutual understanding, can be misread, miswritten, misunderstood.
Ask yourself what you want. Likely you want to be understood. Understanding is more likely to happen if you express your feelings, inviting her to understand and express hers. Only that way you have a chance of mutual understanding and not ending up in a discussion about "yes or no" and "right or wrong".
@dukeofdearham
Thanks for your thoughts. You have some interesting ideas that I might incorporate.
@Clio9876
It sounds like you have a lot of mixed feelings about your mum's proposed visit. On one hand, you want to have a close and loving relationship with her, but on the other hand, you have unresolved issues from your childhood that are causing you stress and resentment. It's understandable that you feel conflicted about what to do.
It may be helpful to write a letter to your mum expressing your feelings and concerns, as it sounds like you have a lot to say. However, it's important to remember that you cannot control how she will react or respond to your letter. It's possible that she may feel hurt or defensive, but it's also possible that she may be receptive to what you have to say and be willing to work on the relationship.
Ultimately, the decision about whether or not to have your mum visit is yours to make. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and emotional needs, and to do what feels right for you. If you do decide to have her visit, it may be helpful to have a plan in place for how to handle any difficult or triggering situations that may arise.
@Yourgoodfriendd
Thanks for your thoughts. You are right, there's definitely a lot of conflicted feelings. There are options. If she visits at home I can go to work for a break. Or if we go away somewhere together, like a hotel, then it is a bit less of an invasion of my personal space and less pressure on me to manage a house at the same time.
I thought I'd post an update. She didn't come to visit. She phoned, wanting to talk about booking some flights last minute, with no plans of where she was going to stay or how it was going to work. And I basically said I couldn't do it. She got very upset, which was kinda understandable. And I felt mean. But afterwards also kinda relieved. After a couple of weeks of no contact, I sent an email and she responded with a long list of problems she needs to sort out first, like a malfunctioning freezer. Which really just felt like a summing up of our relationship/my life - last on the priority list. All in all, I've kinda lost interest. I'm here, open to trying to resolve things, but in my view the ball is in her court and I'm only interested if there is some attempt at meeting half way.
@Clio9876,
thanks for sharing your update.
I know exactly how it feels to feel like you come last, like you're last priority.
I don't think she doesn't love you but she might just be out of sync with herself. And if she is not being aware of that and/or not able/willing to see that for herself, well, there's nothing you can do about that.
@dukeofdearham
Thanks. That would be a lovely thought, and actually, I think it's quite possible that she loves me. She's certainly as miserable about the situation as I am. I just can't solve it for her, and until she decides to do something about it herself, you're right, there's nothing I can do.
@Clio9876,
some people find it hard to express their feelings. Especially when they have a lot going on and sort of hide behind what are actually minor issues.
What worked for me a few times is asking my (soon to be ex wife, unfortunately, we still deeply love each other) how she felt. She would reply "ok". Then I'd ask how she really felt and she would open all doors, started talking and we'd have a heart to heart talk.
Maybe you could try something similar. Call her, ask her how she feels, follow your intuition and pick the right moment to ask how she really feels.
Another thing I did the last months i was still living with my wife is writing a small note, "I love you, no matter what". I'd leave the note at the blender. She'd see it in the morning and put it next to the coffee maker so I'd see it when making coffee for me.
Just telling someone regularly a simple "I love you, no matter what" can do wonders.
@dukeofdearham
Thanks for your thoughts and sharing what worked for you. If I wanted to do something about this situation, then your suggestions would be good ones. But putting time and effort into a relationship where the other person is not interested in putting in time and effort, is not the right move for me at this time.
@Clio9876
These three positives came into my head. I'm going to put them here to see if they grow.
Dear Mum
I'm grateful that you gave me life. Despite the ups and downs, I'm glad I got to experience it.
I'm grateful for the education you gave me. It has opened so many doors for me.
I'm grateful for the morals you gave me. I think I'm inherently a nice person and I'm glad of that.
