Boyfriend and I are fighting again
I’ll try to sum this up please let me know if I leave anything out. My bf and I have been together for a little over two years and we’re fighting today cause I felt like he’s been avoiding me. He’s been getting of work over an hour later than usual every day and he’s also been getting to work later than usual this week. We get to hang out on one of his days off every week and we FaceTime every night. However he’s been trying to call me more times in the day lately cause sometimes his nights get busy or Saturdays he’s been with friends or family a lot. He usually ends up calling pretty late those nights and the whole nights gone and I only get enough time to ask about his day then he goes to sleep. This is why he’s started calling me in the morning when he gets ready for work and on his lunches if I’m not busy. I appreciate this but because of this he cut back on texting me. The only reason that bothers me is cause we text each other a good morning paragraph every morning just to reflect on the day before and tell each other to have a great day. It sets our mood for the rest of the day but lately because he gets to work late he hasn’t been sending me the best good morning texts. They’re rushed and usually don’t seem sincere and he clicks in to work early so he doesn’t even get to see my reply till later. He also seemed like he wasn’t going to call this morning cause it was getting late and i thought he didn’t wake up on time so I called and he was already getting ready just wasn’t thinking to call me yet. He also did a similar thing yesterday where he didn’t call on his way home from an oil change but he usually wants me to keep him company on his drives anywhere. I told him that him texting me less and doing these things makes me feel like I’m being avoided. He said he’s not avoiding me he just doesn’t have time cause of work anymore. It was not the comfort I wanted and I wanted him to tell me that he does want to talk to me and that he’ll try to let me know when things change like him being busier at work. He didn’t say those things but I was upset and said I didn’t believe him about there being more traffic on the way to work. He’s lied multiple times in the past about small things and knows I can’t trust him yet but I’m trying to. I just need time. So instead of getting any comfort from him he got defensive saying he thinking this one thing I got mad about just canceled out all the good things he’s been doing in our relationship. I said no that’s not true but he kept saying that’s how he feels. Then he said he feels discouraged that I basically called him a liar. He focused on that instead of offering me any comfort and it started making me mad cause these things are what push my buttons. He sat in silence too stubborn to talk at first then he hung up on me to go to sleep early then he turned the conversation into me calling him a liar instead of him comforting me. From there we got pretty mad and he started saying things about me being mad and how those are my true colors and he finally sees them and that there’s a cycle of me always getting mad over little things and that he didn’t want to talk to “that type of person” and he meant angry me. He kept saying my angry paragraph from this morning showed him my true colors and he wouldn’t let go of it at all. It basically said that I was mad he was avoiding me and feel like he’s not really that busy with work. No other layers to it, just that. Now I hung up on him and said I’m not talking to him till he shows me he cares about my feelings. I keep feeling like he makes me feel like I’m a horrible person when I’m mad but he knows exactly how to make me mad. Am I really that bad?
Hey, I read your whole thing, from this i get to know you both love each other, as you said he has been keeping up with work and hence busy, may be there is real thing he is dealing with. And you being mad is totally normal, but i would say give him that little space , you too get busy in things you like, keep yourself occupied too. let him come with the similar complain that you did to him. i think lets give a try, the fight is only going to create more distance. so try it what say.
Thank you for responding and I think that’s what I’ll try till he wants to talk and I don’t him I don’t want to talk to him till he can give me the love and comfort he should have in the beginning. It is true we do love each other very much but when we fight it’s hard to see it.
@anna289
Hey there....
Hmmm.... That is alot!.. I don't normally chime in on "Relationship" threads because I know (even after over 20 years of my own) how complex relationships can be!
After reading over what you wrote, I had to ask myself "WHEN DO THESE TWO EVEN SPEND ANY REAL TIME TOGETHER"?!... I'm seeing ALOT of texting and phone calls etc..etc... But, I didn't see anything about where you both actually had or made time for one another?.......With that being said, it sounds like you both have alot going on right now. Mainly him for the most part with his "work". I see you said on weekends he likes to spend time with Family and Friends? But, what physical time do you both plan between the two of you? How often do you actually get to see one another?
It can be very challenging and difficult to carry a relationship via Messaging, Texts, & Phonecalls. They can all lack the importance of spending that "quality" time with one another and connecting the way you would in person. Also, they can also be subjective in that people can take texts and messages the wrong way. Because they aren't face to face to truly display what they actually mean and wish to convey. (If that makes sense). And sometimes things get lost in translation that way.
Perhaps one thing you both could do if you haven't done so recently, is set aside a day for a "Date" with one another. Just the two of you, to help you both Re-connect with one another. Maybe just spend that time with one another enjoying and doing something you both like together. And during that time or perhaps even on a separate day, both of you could take a sheet of paper, and write down what upsets you about the other. And each of you take a turn and talk about each thing and how it makes you feel while the other listens. And discuss ways with one another "Calmly" about how you could work on "Improving" those things?! Of course those are just some suggestions.
Either way, it sounds like you BOTH have alot of pent up feelings and emotiongs that you need to share and talk over. And you both sound like you need to come together to do that. Relationships MUST include "quality" time together somewhere outside of (Calls and texts). You know? ... So perhaps staying calm, and choose a date to get together and do that? And take things from there for now. But you have to remain calm, and listen to each other as well. Otherwise it won't work and each of you will feel like your feelings don't matter to the other. And thats not a good base to stand on.
Good Luck~ 
Firstly, I’d like to thank you for choosing to reply my post it means a lot to me to have someone who’s been married for a while’s input. I found your response to be very helpful in calming me down about the situation. To answer your question, my bf and I see each other for 3-4 hours only once a week. This is both because he works the other days and because my family is strict. I had to fight my family twice to be able to see him even that much. Pre-pandemic I saw him almost everyday but now we’ve been planning on moving out together because my family still tells me reason not to see him every week and they seem to have no respect for me or my decisions. They try to stop me by saying they saw something on the news or flat out that they don’t want me to go. I did see my bf yesterday and things were great and we were really happy. Yesterday when I snapped in the morning and apologized the whole day it still made no difference to him. We’ve tried to talk about things that upset us about the other but when we get mad it goes out the window. I know I’m at fault for that too and I’ve been trying to change but he just pushes all the right buttons to upset me. I start out calm and talk to him he gets quiet or defensive and I slowly start to get frustrated then angry. I don’t want to be like this and this is how he sees me. He thinks I get mad over little things all the time. I’m sorry for typing a lot again. Thank you for your response again and if you could please answer this I’d really appreciate it: how do I not let him make me mad? How do I not let him push my buttons and if he does how do I control myself not to get mad? Is feeling mad really a bad thing and how can I express it better?
Men usually don't run on emotion like women do. The opposite sex is a little out of element sometimes.
Hey hun! You are not a bad person. It sounds like you both have different attachment styles. I actually feel like you in my own relationship. Take a step and and ask, why do you need him to check in with you? Do you feel lonely? Do you feel insecure? Do you feel he's doing something he shouldn't? I am/used to be like this. I became self aware that my constant need of checking on him was me being insecure about MYSELF in the relationship. It's not healthy and I've read a lot of articles that it's toxic. I've been trying to cope with these feelings and not HOUND him. If you keep hounding him, he will get sick of it or you'll continue to fight about the petty things. He might be going thru a lot and just can't constantly check in with you. Give him some space and trust him.
I completely get what you mean and the texting me when he gets to places and things is something he taught me. Before I met him there was no one texting me to drive safe or to let them know when I get home so they know I’m ok. I started doing the same thing cause I do care about him and he would always let me know things just in case I worried. Recently he doesn’t seem to notice he stopped telling me or that I’ve been worried. I do still try to give him space in the sense he doesn’t have to call me all the time or text me everything he does. He just chooses this himself to avoid upsetting me even if I said it’s ok.
@anna289
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a certain things I would like to point out;
I’ll try to sum this up please let me know if I leave anything out. My bf and I have been together for a little over two years and we’re fighting today cause I felt like he’s been avoiding me. (I do hope you can tell me more about the way you feel avoided by him. They are certain things he might be doing that's causing you to feel this way, but things from your past are triggering here as well) He’s been getting of work over an hour later than usual every day and he’s also been getting to work later than usual this week. We get to hang out on one of his days off every week and we FaceTime every night. (In my opinion (if you two are not living together), then it could be a bit much because it sort of shows you two can't be away from one another without feeling some kind of fear or anxiety) However he’s been trying to call me more times in the day lately cause sometimes his nights get busy or Saturdays he’s been with friends or family a lot. He usually ends up calling pretty late those nights and the whole nights gone and I only get enough time to ask about his day then he goes to sleep. his is why he’s started calling me in the morning when he gets ready for work and on his lunches if I’m not busy. (This is showing that he is being accomodating when it comes to do this, so it's showing he cares about how you feel) I appreciate this but because of this he cut back on texting me. (I understand this is important for you, however he is showing the effort on staying contact by calling you in the morning and on his lunches.) The only reason that bothers me is cause we text each other a good morning paragraph every morning just to reflect on the day before and tell each other to have a great day. It sets our mood for the rest of the day but lately because he gets to work late he hasn’t been sending me the best good morning texts. (They are times where we might project our insecurities when it comes to reading a text, and it can be quite easily to misinterpret it, even when the other person might be putting the effort. If his texts doesn't match what you expect or it doesn't make you feel a certain way, then it's consider "he hasne't been sending me the best good morning text") They’re rushed and usually don’t seem sincere and he clicks in to work early so he doesn’t even get to see my reply till later. (It's one thing if he stops doing all of this altogether, but he's doing it. I feel like it's almost like being hypervigilant, looking for reasons of the other person leaving you, like some sort of fear)) He also seemed like he wasn’t going to call this morning (What made you think this way?. You see, you might go through anxiety, and this fear probably made you think this) cause it was getting late and i thought he didn’t wake up on time so I called (Did you call to genuine reach out, or as a way to soothe how you felt?) and he was already getting ready just wasn’t thinking to call me yet. (This is quite normal, there will be times where he won't be able call you at an exact time everyday, things might happen unexpectdly) He also did a similar thing yesterday where he didn’t call on his way home from an oil change but he usually wants me to keep him company on his drives anywhere. I told him that him texting me less and doing these things makes me feel like I’m being avoided. He said he’s not avoiding me he just doesn’t have time cause of work anymore. (I can understand where he's coming from here, even though it was really hurtful hearing those words. They are times where work gets too hectic or schedules changes so it can be hard at times to do things as before) It was not the comfort I wanted and I wanted him to tell me that he does want to talk to me and that he’ll try to let me know when things change like him being busier at work. ( I see what you mean about wanting comfort, which is the reason you shared how you felt.) He didn’t say those things but I was upset and said I didn’t believe him about there being more traffic on the way to work. He’s lied multiple times in the past about small things and knows I can’t trust him yet but I’m trying to.(It's understandable you feel this way, lying multiple times can make a person question another one intentions. Trust is hard to gain, but can easily be broken at times) I just need time. So instead of getting any comfort from him he got defensive saying he thinking this one thing I got mad about just canceled out all the good things he’s been doing in our relationship. (I understand where he is coming from, but he's trying to use logic here which will make you feel disconnected. You feel like he is avoiding you (looking for comfort) , while he feels like you might not be appreciating the efforts he has been making) I said no that’s not true but he kept saying that’s how he feels. Then he said he feels discouraged that I basically called him a liar. He focused on that instead of offering me any comfort and it started making me mad cause these things are what push my buttons. (Here's the thing, you are both not providing any comfort on how each other feels. I feel like you are both trying to defend each other, and not taking the time to listen to how each other feels) He sat in silence too stubborn to talk at first then he hung up on me to go to sleep early (This is very immature of him to do, he didn't handle this properly, it would have been better if he postponed the conversation until the both of you felt calm) then he turned the conversation into me calling him a liar instead of him comforting me. (I think that when you come from a place of saying "You are avoiding me", then in most cases (people who have trauma) will get anxious and defensive. In my opinion, it's better to be honest and say "Hey i feel disconnected at this moment, i really need your comfort that everything will be okay") From there we got pretty mad and he started saying things about me being mad (This tells me he can easily get triggered when he perceives someone is being mad) and how those are my true colors and he finally sees them and that there’s a cycle of me always getting mad over little things and that he didn’t want to talk to “that type of person” and he meant angry me. (I think that when he comes from a place of offending and minimizing it's going to make you feel hurt and disconnected. I think it would have been better for him to stay calm, and postpone the conversation) He kept saying my angry paragraph from this morning showed him my true colors and he wouldn’t let go of it at all. (Anxiety is the major reason these kind of arguments happen. This escalated very fast, it's to the point where it's not a productive conversation. He is being mean and rude at this time) It basically said that I was mad he was avoiding me and feel like he’s not really that busy with work. (I firmly believe sharing how you feel over text can lead the arguments and be misinterpreted. It's something that needs to be talked about in person) No other layers to it, just that. Now I hung up on him and said I’m not talking to him till he shows me he cares about my feelings. (I don't blame you for exiting the conversation, he was mistreating you and said mean things to you) I keep feeling like he makes me feel like I’m a horrible person when I’m mad but he knows exactly how to make me mad. Am I really that bad?
Thank you for your insight. Seeing it laid out in each point was very helpful and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate having that. I agree with all the points you made now that I’m calm and no longer angry. I’m still upset he said those things but whenever he’s ready to talk about it I’m ready to comfort him as well. I do think we both have anxiety of the other leaving because we both have brought it up and make the other feel we’re too upset to recover. I know he and i have only ever been mad at each other in person about twice in over two years so it has a lot to do with the virtual side right now. I do feel I’m going to talk to him about all of this.
