Can it be fixed?
So last November we found out my wife was pregnant. I didn't know how to deal with her emotions and had got in contact with my ex and would ask her advice from a woman's point of view. Never did anything with her and would only talk about my wife. My wife would question me and I would lie bc I didn't want to see her upset. She found out and we would fight slot bc she no longer trusted me. It caused both of us alot of stress mainly her bc I wasn't as present as I once was. We ended up losing the baby in February and it caused a bigger rift. The issues with her and losing the baby sent me into a deep depression and I started isolating myself from her and our other 2 kids unintentionally. We fought more bc I wasn't paying attention to her needs and we kind of took a break. We moved into a new house this past August thinking it would make things better but it only made it worse. I started streaming games when I wasn't working to run away from issues at home and to try to earn extra money to provide for the family in the future and I got tunnel visioned and it caused more tension and more distance between us bc I wasn't balancing my family time and streaming. So we split in September but continued living together but had more fights. My insecurities and fear of being replaced caused her to lose some friendships she started seeing someone and slept with him a couple times and I didn't know until I came home from work one night and found them in bed. It destroyed me honestly and I raged and threw him put and started yelling at her and said some really hurtful things. Over the next week or so I really got in a deep depression and started drinking a fifth of liquor a day. I still drink heavy bc I'm hurt and have said some hurtful things bc I was hurting. I got drunk last night and re read some of the things I said and I feel like complete ***. This woman has been my rock and I honestly love her more than anything she's the one fore me and I know it. I truly want to do better for her and the kids. I'm going to therapy starting Monday morning and started to stop drinking as of yesterday. I just want my wife and my family back. I miss her so much and I've been lost without her. Is our love and relationship salvageable?
@BluJay23
You have written it out ... you know what happened and i will tell people the thing i see that kills relationships is the pulling away or burying yourself in something and ignore or avoid your spouse especially in an emotional time ...... people will look for comfort and that ends up in an attachment or affair....
the fix require BOTH to face the underlying things and understand the best you can from the other person point of view even if it does not seem rational to us.
I think if a person comes clean and really changes...things can happen they simple i will try harder but no follow thru is the death of it...
Thank you for your input. I'm starting therapy Monday morning and she said she would go to so hopefully if I continue to work on fixing it it'll get better over time
@BluJay23,
I hope the two of you can reconnect. I hope both of you can express feelings, have mutual understanding. A piece of personal advice, don't act out of anger. Do not get angry. So don't lash out to her for having an affair. Instead you felt deeply hurt, that you thought you lost her forever, that you love her, want to change. That you have started to understand that you were not there for her, that she needed love and you were not there.
I don't know if you are feeling depressed but you might want to consider getting your own therapist. Someone who understands depression, not all therapists do. Or find a support group, so you are amongst people who are dealing with depression and you feel understood. I never had support, I beat my own depression but the aftermath and processing made me loose my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life.
Do not go there. And again, do express your feelings, listen to hers, do not judge, do no justify and really do not give in to anger. Be aware of anger. When you start feeling tense, nauseous, start raising your voice, or whatever, walk away for a while. Saying you are starting to feel triggered and need to take a few deep breaths.
Act out of love. Heart over mind. Love over emotions.
Hope you guys can work it out. And remember, she agreed on therapy. Meaning, she does love you. But you need to work on you and regain her trust while fully trusting her.
I greatly appreciate your advice. I am going to therapy on my own for my drinking, anger and depression. It has been pretty rough honestly but hopefully it gets better one day
