Crush on my coworker
Hi! I’m new to this so bear with me. I have recently developed feelings for a coworker. I am in the process of leaving an emotionally abusive 5 year relationship with a guy that happens to also work with us. My crush knows that we’re dating. I have mentally been over my relationship for over a year now but just had to get a few things settled before actually leaving. My boyfriend knows I’m unhappy and I’ve made it very clear that if he doesn’t change I’m going to leave. He hasn’t made much of an effort to change so that’s exactly what I’m going to do is leave. I met my crush a few months ago and knew almost immediately that I wanted to be with this guy. Sometimes I really think he likes me and other times I’m not so sure and think he could just see us as friends. He’s very shy. I don’t want to ask him outright especially since I’m in a relationship technically. I have never crossed that line with my crush. Like I said, he’s very shy so a few signs I’ve noticed is that he goes the long way to “refill his water” but looks at me as he passes. We work in a warehouse although the area we work in is only the size of a football field compared to the rest of the warehouse it’s still way out of his way to do this. He’ll go out of his way to work with me or help me out with things. I catch him looking at me all the time and previously he would look away but now that we’re more comfortable with each other sometimes he makes eye contact with me and smiles. We clicked immediately. We have so much in common and get along very well. He’s honestly my dream guy. Every time we’re together we’re always smiling and laughing and joking and occasionally he’ll tease me about things. We’ve had deep conversations about our future goals, his past experiences, our life, family, and even having kids some day etc.. Every time we talk he looks directly in my eyes and I can tell he genuinely enjoys talking to me. Sometimes when he can he’ll come over to my work area and stand there until I’m free to talk. He doesn’t do this with anyone else. He’s tried to walk with me to break or out of the building before but I feel weird doing this because of still technically being in a relationship. He asks about my boyfriend sometimes but more so about equipment that he drives at work and stuff like that. Never about our relationship. I think he can tell I’m not happy with him though. When my boyfriend and I are together I can’t get myself to even fake smile anymore and I basically shut down. He mentally sucks the life out of me. I’m not sure how to hint to my crush that I’m not happy with him anymore though or if I should even tell him. Is that crossing a boundary? My current boyfriend has lowered my self esteem tremendously from years of emotional abuse and sometimes I can’t even comprehend the fact that another guy- especially as attractive as my crush- would like me. What do you think? What do I do in this situation? I’m scared that once my boyfriend and I do break up I will have to leave my job anyway but I plan to find a way to keep in contact with my crush if that’s the case.
@fearlessCucumber12 I think it's natural to fall for someone else when you are still in a relationship, especially when it is emotionally abusive/manipulative. I would suggest you take a step back and analyze the situation, your feelings, and the people involved. You don't have to leave your job if you break up, because your boyfriend does not define your life. I have been in almost the exact situation that you are in, and I'd suggest you take your time to figure things out. Don't approach your crush romantically until you actually break up. Otherwise, there will most likely be leftover trauma, feelings, and bitterness that you would not want to transfer to your new relationship.
Feel free to reach out if you need so one to talk to :)
Goodluck!
PLEASE leave the relationship with your boyfriend. i've been in a situation where i've waited for them to change. trust me, if he wanted to change then he would've. you've already developed feelings for your coworker and your boyfriend is also abusive. those should be signs that u should leave. maybe try talking to ur crush asking for help, if he's seen some hints that u could be unhappy then u can try to open up and be vulnerable to him,, there's no use in staying with someone who doesn't care to change or care about u. if u do leave, then try to focus on yourself and heal instead of focusing on another guy. it's pretty traumatic to go through someone who will emotionally abuse u,, so please try to take some time to heal instead of worrying for another guy.
@fearlessCucumber12
I understand you are not happy with your boyfriend, and you have every right to leave. I think it's important to do personal growth before getting into another relationship. The fact you stayed with your boyfriend for 5 years even though he was abusive it's a strong indication you experienced this behavior throughout your childhood. It's also important to heal from your past, if not then you will keep attracting men who are very similar to your boyfriend.
You recently got to know this guy, and you are already projecting a fantasy and unmet needs on him. You said "He's my dream guy", but it's really important to ask yourself these questions about; 1) Is he able to handle closeness?, 2) Based on his family history, will he be able to attach properly and handle a connection?, 3) Is he able to process his emotions and effectively communicate them?, 4) How does he handle adversity?, 5) Is he able to keep his promises (His words matching his actions), 6) How does he handle and process anger (Strong emotions as well), 7) Is he able to show empathy?. I don't his past, but if they are a lot of unresolve trauma then it's going to show up sooner or later.
