Ex Confusion and Decision Making
Me and my ex broke up around 5 months ago, me as the dumpee. We both go to the same college and had been together for 1.5 years. Towards the end of the relationship I didn’t treat her right which caused the break up (me not making her feel special). As of a few months ago we have had very consistent communication and often talked about seeing if we would work in the future. This past month and a half we have gotten very close and act like we are dating still. Everything was going very smoothly and i was very confident in us getting back together. Long story short i matched with her friend on a dating app a month or so ago, which i didn’t know, also didn’t even talk to the girl. They showed her and she didn’t mention anything to me. She was very hurt and didn’t want to talk to me. Nonetheless, she was extremely upset and ending up sleeping with someone the next night. She is extremely regretful and would really like to make things work between us. She also deals with really bad mental health issues. My question is that should i be upset at her? We are/weren’t together but i thought we were at the point to not pursue anyone but each other. Should I take her back? I really love her and I am lost at what to do.
@ND23
It sounds like she was trying to get even with you and hooked up with the other person because she was hurt. I think the fact that as you said, you weren't together at the time and you had been on a dating site have made it all complicated and confusing for both of you emotionally.
Maybe agreeing to put the past behind you both and try to wipe the slate clean would be a healthy fresh start...if you can both agree to do that?
We have both agreed to put it in the past and I said I would give her a second chance. She is struggling mentally very bad, not related to this, so she isn’t sure when that will be. She sees me as the only person she wants to be with and I feel the same. We have been talking close for the past month and I don’t know if I keep waiting for her or try to move on.
I think that you being on a dating app and actively matching with girls would signal to her that you were pursuing other people, so it's probably a bit hypocritical to be upset at her for doing the same thing, even though she obviously took it much further to get back at you. It sounds like she told you about it, regrets it and wants to make things work. If you love her and think you can draw a line under this and not let it come between you, then it's worth a shot.
I agree, but I hadn’t been on those dating apps for weeks. And I stopped once we got very close again. When we first started talking again she was seeing someone else as well, and I wasn’t. But I get what you are saying, just not sure how to love on from here when I want to make it work.
move on*
@ND23,
talk to each other.
Both express your feelings about what happened as in how it makes you feel right now. Do not indulge in talking about what happened, just talk about how it makes you feel. Do not judge, defend, justify, attack. Just listen. Mutual understanding. If you can do mutual understanding then I'd say you should both be able to leave the past as is and start anew with a clean slate.
Mutual understanding is crucial.
I just talked to her in person and basically said if she really wants to be with me I will give her a second change. But if any future mistakes occur then it is over. She is in a very bad place mentally right now and doesn’t know when we will start dating again, even though I’m the only one she can see herself with. She feels guilty that I try to help her so much. I am willing to give her more time to figure out her mental health, so we can be together. My only issue is that what if it takes a long time and I’m wasting my time not trying to move on.
@ND23,
why don't you give her space for now and let her be?
You are pushing her now.
If you really care, show kindness and empathy, and listen to your heart instead of your thoughts.
Pushing will only result in more distance, you are only doing damage.