Fear of intimacy?
This is my first post… I don’t know if I am doing this right.
i think the guy I’ve grown crazy about has both a desire for - and fear of - intimacy. It’s a complicated situation that I will explain as briefly as I possibly can.
We met online five years ago, and hit it off almost straight away. We became good friends, although long distance, and kept growing closer and closer. He has a very rare form of epilepsy, and grew up shunned throughout school. He only ever had one friend, and that didn’t last as his seizures increased in high school and the friend gave in to peer pressure and let him go. So he’s never really had a relationship or very close friendship, never had anyone who truly had his back. His seizures make him unable to hold a job. He has become someone who has a great deal of empathy, and especially after a period of back to back seizures he really feels intense emotions so he can really understand when someone shares with him, but it is rare he will let down his walls and show his real feelings. He relaxed enough with me to show me his emotions, to cry and admit that he isn’t as accepting of his disability as he likes to show the world.
Anyway, we got closer and closer, to the point we were saying “I love you”. He never looked so happy, and said the same about me. Then, he got scared and admitted that and said we should stay friends. Then he apologised and said he still wanted me but he needed to take things slowly. A few weeks later he blocked me, and it was a few months before he spoke to me again.
We reconnected, and got even closer. But then he grew scared again, and once again, he blocked me. I was so broken that I wasn’t taking care of myself and ended up having a serious head injury. Thankfully I recovered. When he found out about my accident, he was devastated and kept apologising for not being there for me, and wishing he was. He told me he felt stronger now, and he gave me the things he had held back all this time - his personal mobile/cell number and his home address. He was texting me goodnight every night, and showing a lot more consideration than he had before. He asked me why I was no longer calling him by a certain pet name, and I explained that it was a very special name to me, and I needed to feel secure with him again before I could start using it. The day I used it again he was so happy, and wrote me an emotional message saying so. Eventually I saw the familiar sign of him becoming nervous again, and I asked him directly. He said he could handle it, and promised he wasn’t going to run or block me again.
A couple of weeks later, he sent me a message saying I am an amazing friend, and we should stick to being friends. I showed support in that, but said I needed a little time. Then he blocked me again, about a month later. That’s the stage I’m at now.
I’m lost - he’s my best friend, and it’s clear that we have feelings for each other, but I don’t need that. I am happy to just stay friends. It feels like he’s really into this, but that he has to keep getting closer incrementally. I do love him, but the friendship means more to me than any potential relationship, especially if relationships are so hard for him! The running and blocking has only been over the past year, so we had four years of great companionship before that.
I don’t know if I am right that he has a fear of intimacy, but if I am - has anyone here been through that themselves? Is there anything I can do, to just keep the friendship? We really lift each other up, and have amazing laughs, and it all just comes so easily. It only gets messy when we allow things to cross the friendship line.
I’m so lost, and good friends are such a rarity that I don’t want to write off someone I just click with. I don’t know what to do, and my heart is shattered.
Thanks for reading.
Hello, welcome. It sounds like a really confusing situation for you. it's important that we not give advice here at 7Cups, since we don't know the whole situation, but I have a couple of thoughts that may (or may not) help you reframe the situation or help you gain another perspective. Also bear in mind that I'm interpreting the situation through my own filter.
First, the word "intimacy" can be sounded out, with some imagination, as "into me see."
Second, the mixed messaging you seem to be receiving from him remind me of a word of wisdom I once heard: "Take mixed signals as 'no'. " I know it is hard and often emotionally devastating to be "yanked around" by another person's fears, as you are describing them. Only you can decide if you are strong enough to stay engaged with him until he grows confident enough to become fully emotionally available.
Thank you. I’m mostly hoping anyone who has had a fear of intimacy, or relationships can give some insight into what it’s like on the other side. I know I’m not willing to accept the running and blocking, but I don’t know about the whole friendship side of it. I don’t even know if he will unblock me this time, so I’m just trying to sort out my own head and thoughts, and better understand what has happened and how to process it. Im struggling with thoughts of it today.
@Trixy2
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well.
I understand you care a lot about him, and that the friendship means so much to you. It’s normal to feel hurt and sad about the decision he has made throughout all this time.
The moment where there’s “I love you’s” or any type of closeness it is where he will do and say things to keep distance as a way to not feel hurt. The way he blocked you shows how much he can’t handle any kind of closeness. People like him are not aware of what goes inside of them, so they will often go to extreme lengths to avoid a potential hurt or pain. They think everyone will hurt them, so they sabotage things. This will only trigger you and further you.,
The way he blocked you shows a lack of maturity and respect for you, so it’s not something that shouldn’t be overlooked. He blocks you, feels the fear of abandonment and neglect, and then messages you to soothe his anxiety. He’s definetly putting you through a cycle of; 1) Things go extremely well, 2) He proceeds to block you, 3) He begins to feel lonely, 4) He seeks reconnections and acts as if nothing happened and 5) Blocks you again. He has not shown any concerns for how all of this is making you feel, instead he has been only focused on how he feels. He also broke the promise of “I promise I won’t block you”, this tells me his words will never match his actions.
You have to be careful with people who disappear like him and then come back as they please because it will only trigger you. You will feel this powerful attraction for this kind of behavior, which will lead to seek the love or attention of people like this. You deserve people in your life that will stick around and behave in a consistent manner.
It’s actually me that reaches out first again - I send a letter or message telling him I miss him, then he replies and we start over. It felt like he really did try to hold off on blocking me this time, it felt like real progress. I agree about him running to avoid potential hurt. He’s had people try to hurt him his whole life, so have I, but I guess it affected me differently.
I find myself in a position where I want to reach out, but I also want space. If I could wave a magic wand and dictate where things go from here, it would be that we would talk again in a few months - that I will have healed, and moved on from the romantic side of things, and be able to talk to him as just a friend. I don’t know how to give it the best chance of that happening.
Shortly before he disappeared this time, I had been supporting him with trying to get into a job. It was something he expressed wanting deeply, and I can’t help thinking it’s easier to have it as an unresolved dream, than to go for it and risk failure. I can see he’s a lot more scared than many realise, and that fear of going for his dreams translates into relationships, too. I’m really broken about the friendship - five years is a long time and I’ve been through a lot of changes in that time, so it feels even longer.
I understand, it's a very tough situation because you want him in your life, but at the same time he keeps pushing you away after a certain amount of time. I have been in your shoes in the past, and its hurtful to see a person you care leave in such manner.
I think you shouldn't ignore the way he blocks you, especially when he has done this to you several times already. He has already shown you how much he values the friendship and you by leaving in the way he did. A healthy and mature person would communicate they need space and time away from you, but someone who is unhealthy, doesn't have empathy for how this is impacting you and lacks maturity will end up blocking you. He had shown you an inability to make friendships/relationship work, and will continue to behave this way.
You should want people in your life who are going to stick around, communicate in a healthy way without disappearing, who cares about how you feel as well, and someone who values what you bring to the table. I understand you care about him, but he's not the kind of person you can have a healthy friendship/relationship. It's not healthy going through this cycle of things going well, he blocks you and then you have fix things by messaging him. You deserve far better than this, hopefully you make a decision that best fits you.
Things will get better. Hope for the best.