He said it was his coping mechanism, but i don't know...
My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He started drinking when he was 18, high functioning alcoholic for 6 years until he was 24. Then he went to rehab and became sober for a year when he met me. We fell in love when he was sober, but throughout our relationship, he has been relapsing here and there. Aug 2021, we got in a huge argument and we drank heavily that night and crashed his car. That was the same night I found out that he had been messaging a girl on a dating app. He got arrested and the police gave me his phone (with his last opened app on). He used fake pictures and fake identities on that app and he said that's because he only needed validation and not a genuine connection. Due to COVID, he lost his job and gained 20kg, so I understand his frustration, but still, needless to say, I felt devastated. Someone I had been loving and trusting was lying to me. We went to therapy and couple counselling and we finally got back to a semi-good spot. He has been putting in effort to be honest and transparent. I have full access to everything he uses and he always answers when he's alone/out. He has been sober for 16 months, since that day in 2019 until last week. Something happened so he had to stay away from me for 4 days. We got in a fight and one night, I told him I wanted to have some space. That very same night, he went out drinking heavily again. We talked about it, I felt bad for him so I was thinking of forgiving him. But last night when I used his phone, I saw that he has been using the dating app again. I confronted him and he said it he only downloaded in the moment of weakness. He was lonely and sad (he moved to my country to be with me, and he doesn't have anyone). At that time, he thought he just lost me, so he went on there looking for people to talk to. Nothing sexual or nothing romantic. I'm trying to understand it but at the same time, the second night he was alone, he downloaded the dating app, which he said he deleted soon after. (I checked it on myactivity by Google with his consent, of course). He said it was because he was bored and it was a stupid thought, that's why he deleted it right away. (His words. I cannot check).
And then after the fight and getting really drunk, he downloaded it again and started to talk to girls. He even tried to meet a girl there the same night. But after we talked, he deleted everything and suggested me to install a tracking app to make sure that he doesn't do anything behind my back. I feel that he's trying to fix and I do feel that he only did what he did because he was lost and lonely but can't help but feel like I cannot trust him again... I'm still trying to understand his thought process throughout the whole thing. I don't know if it's possible to be that simple as he said.
@carefulSquare950
I am sorry you are going through this tracking a person to make sure they do not drink or try to hook up on dating apps is like being his parent not his wife
i think he has deeper issues not lonely that leads to his falling off the wagon and willingness to jeopardize his whole marriage and life.... maybe i am wrong as many substance abusers say they do not have a moment to think "hey STOP i really should put down a drink and walk away " ... but others seem to say they do have that what is happening when things are going right and he i sober and not playing on apps ..... what is going on when he does....... find the trigger......
have you done counseling together is there a program like AA where if he had a sponsor he could call them to talk instead of buying booze.....
these are times you caught him is he really just having episodes or is he drinking more then you know ....... if it is just fights perhaps he need some help with conflict resolution and see from PAST experience the drinking route has NOT led to success and in fact diminishes his arguments even further...
@carefulSquare950
ughhh this sucks so much!! Im going through a similar experience but I’m holding my divorce papers in my hands and I am terrified. I have two children 11 and 14. We have no where to go and I work two jobs at night I homeschool during the day and I have nothing. His lies and infidelity, or attempted infidelity lack of affection, communication, accountability or any sign he’s a human being capable of remorse or compassion for the pain he caused isn’t there. I’ve begged him, started changing my appearance and all sorts of bull crap to make him happy but he’s not going to be. It’s him!!! He doesn’t love himself, or even know who he is!! I took care of his twin’s until their mother found out about me and took them back after being missing for two years. I’ve been drug through the courts as the evil stepmother and I am not. I married him because I loved his kids first. He came second and he let his ex just dump on me and never defended me once. He slept with his sister in law in my car while I was sleeping for work. I took care of him when he broke his back in seven places. And even then in the hospital he was on chat rooms online with girls trying to meet up and he couldn’t even walk without me. I’m so mad you can’t repair trust once it’s broke it’s gone. I really hope y’all can work it out and find a way to fix it, I guess I’m a pessimist. But I’ve got these papers and I have to file them because if I don’t, I’m scared to hurt myself or even worse he’s such a coward and he plays and gaslight me so bad I’m scared I will lose it and hurt him. And my kids don’t have anybody but me . I can’t do that to them. I just pray that I can find a way to make it work with me and my kids so that we can be happy again. So that I can look myself in the mirror and put make up on again without hating myself I know it’s not my fault, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Wishing you the best. Don’t lie to yourself. You know what you need to do, you can’t make somebody want something as much as you do or as bad as you do if they don’t care about it, they don’t care about it and maybe you leaving or saying you’ve had enough will wake them up.
