How to Tell Him His Behavior Was Abusive?
So my husband is diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and I think he also probably has borderline personality disorder. What that means for me is he gets mad about small things that most people wouldn’t necessarily get mad about, and he doesn’t always know how to control his anger. A few months ago it got really bad, to the point of being emotionally abusive. I didn’t want to admit that that was what was happening. We’ve started meeting with a couple’s therapist, and I’ve been trying to express my concerns about our relationship in terms of communication problems and things like that but haven’t felt like it’s really been getting to the core of the problem. Just in the past week or so have I really come to terms for myself with the idea of using the word “abusive” and now I feel like I need to tell my husband and our therapist that that’s how I feel like I was treated. Just to be clear, I don’t think his behavior is abusive now, but I also don’t think he’s being sensitive to the emotional damage he caused. I’m super nervous about how he’s going to react when I bring it up at the therapist tomorrow. Any suggestions about how to raise such an extremely sensitive and probably caustic topic?
@LSTMama55
hey, I wish I'd seen this earlier, how did it go? 💕
It went okay. He actually was fairly responsive when I used the word and willingly acknowledged that his behavior was in fact abusive. Where it went downhill though was when I tried to explain how our relationship dynamic since then, while maybe not abusive, was contributing to the feelings of hurt I was trying to deal with. He kept saying he would work on it, but also kept trying to make excuses and saying things like “I’ll work on it, but don’t expect me to be perfect.” And then when I tried to tell him that adding that kind of qualifier undermined the message that he would work on it, he tried to storm out of the room because I’m being too demanding. I get that things aren’t going to change and get perfect overnight, and I get that he has his own needs and everything, but I feel like where I’m in a place of such hurt right now that he should sometimes put his own concerns on the back burner to give space for us to deal with mine. That’s what I’ve had to do multiple times in our marriage when I hurt him or when his anxiety flares up. And I feel like I should be able to assertively say what I think I need and when I don’t feel like he’s giving me what I need to heal. He’s probably right that I haven’t been giving him enough credit for the small improvements he’s made since we started therapy, but am I really being too demanding by telling him specific things that I would like him to say and do when I try to talk about my feelings??
@LSTMama55- It sounds like you are making a good list to bring up to the next therapy session. Communication is so key- and a process of learning. Your relationship has developed its own way of coping with issues- and avoiding his anger. I wish you the best in continuing the therapy. Take care.
Wow. I relate so hard with what you’re going through. The difference we have is we haven’t gone to therapy, my partner and I and I’m afraid to bring it up because I know he will shoot it down (and also, money is quite tight). Just this morning, my partner got out of bed in a “mood” and started banging on dishes and slamming doors. Of course this startled me because I also had just woken up and this was out of the blue! I asked him what he’s mad about and he ignored me and kept banging on stuff and slamming doors. I have been so confused all day and I resorted to just texting him what was going on with him. Ignored. I’m baffled and I don’t know what to do really. Sorry I ranted on here.. I know you were looking for suggestions. I just really.. relate to your story and also.. needed to release some of this.
Tensions had been building up for a while before I got up the guts to suggest therapy for us. And he shot the idea down multiple times before he finally gave in and agreed. It wasn’t until he hit his breaking point, when he really started hurting me past what I could handle and was threatening suicide for himself that I finally got the courage to bring up therapy. But he thought he was perfectly capable of dealing with things on his own. It wasn’t until he blew up at me in front of his whole family, forcing him to talk to someone other than me, that he finally agreed that we could see a therapist. Part of me wishes I had said something sooner before things got as bad as they did, but another part of me is pretty sure he wouldn’t have listened and we really needed to hit that breaking point before we could start turning things around. That’s probably not super comforting for you. I’m sorry. Maybe things will work better for you if you try bringing it up? 🤞🏻
I can relate to both of you too!!