Husband wants parents to live with us
My husband and I have been married for just over a year now. His parents live in another country. He told me pretty early in our relationship that he wants to bring them over to live with him a couple years down the road so it’s important to him that whoever he marries is okay with that. He did assure me that it wouldn’t be right away, it would be 5 years into the marriage or maybe whenever we’re having kids. At the time I said I was okay with it since it would be a couple years into the marriage and we probably wouldn’t be too concerned about having some privacy.
I’ve grown up in the states but we have the same cultural background so parents staying with us isn’t a huge shocker culturally. I visited them a month ago in his home country and stayed with them for a week by myself. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both nice people but I also felt like they were on their best behavior for me. I’m concerned because even then they seemed very pushy about how I should dress (they bought me traditional a.k.a more conservative clothes to wear for my visit and insisted I wear those and not the clothes, mainly tees and jeans, I brought with me), they are definitely more religious than my family and expected me to be as well (which was fine for a few days in a different country but probably wouldn’t fly in daily life), they have a lot of restrictions on what you can or should eat and on what days and I have health issues that force me to eat a certain way. For example, they can’t eat meat on certain days of the week and generally have very high carb foods but my health issues require me to follow a high protein, low carb, low fat diet. Im okay with them following whatever they want but the issue arises because they also try to directly or indirectly force me to eat according to what works for them. Maybe some of this wouldn’t be such a concern a couple years down the road but my husband is saying he wants to bring them over for a visit and have them stay with us for a couple of months (4-5).
Besides the things I experienced when I visited my in-laws, I am also concerned because my husband and I had constant fights and our marriage was on the rocks the couple of months we stayed with my parents after the wedding because of not having any privacy or a space to ourselves. Even now, we stay 2 hours from them and they ask us to visit every other weekend and that causes fights because he feels like we don’t get any time to ourselves. I’m not sure how it’s going to go if his parents are staying with us, especially since they seem to stress him out quite a bit.
I have spoken to him about how I felt staying with his parents when I visited them and what my concerns are about them staying with us in the future. He did assure me that even if they are staying with us down the road, they will probably leave us alone for the most part and mind their own business or try to help us out around the house but I’m not convinced that they won’t meddle or insist on how some things should be done. I understand that any relationship needs some adjustment, I just don’t want it to turn into them expecting me to do everything according to how they like it.
I could really use some advice if anyone has any. I’m not expecting someone to just magically have a solution but even bouncing ideas off of someone would be great.
@neonSummer8296
i think your instincts are spot on.... The in-laws if moving from another country will have no ties or interests and you and your family will be their ONLY hobby.
in the best of situations in-laws tend to be a lot deal with on a continual basis.
There is a fine line between help and someone telling you how to raise kids to keep a home and meals etc....
IMO your best bet if going through with this is if you can have some separation for example..... a duplex where your family resides on one side and in laws next door ........ or some have what they refer to as a mother in law set up or small house / cottage on the property...
@neonSummer8296,
culture clash.
As someone suggested, consider having them their own condo so they can cook whatever they want.
But, they will still be at your place.
Before they come over, you have to put down boundaries and stay your ground.
You live your way. If they have issues with that, then having them constantly around you, that will cause havoc, have impact on your relationship and, more importantly, on you.
They have to be aware that if they move in, to let you leave your life your way. So, if you want to wear a tank top, fine. If you want to sunbath in your yard, fine.
In a way, they would be guests and adjust themselves.
You have to make that crystal clear. Now.If they start arguing and continue to do so, then you really should reconsider.
No matter what you agreed upon, no matter what your partner thinks or wants. Don't let others live your life.
@neonSummer8296
A few thoughts about the situation, if I may-
1. He has been upfront that a few years down the line, you're all supposed to be living together and it seems like you've agreed to it. 5 years into the marriage is another 4 years from now, you're all expected to be living together in one home full time - as per current mutual agreement, regardless of their behaviours or expectations or any other issues. (Surprising that you agreed without even knowing them as people, but that is where it stands at the moment)
2. Keeping #1 in mind, it stands to reason that everyone concerned is going to have to find a way to get along and play nice within the next 48 months or so. So it is not entirely unreasonable for them to be letting you know of their preferences and triggers. At the same time, it's not unreasonable for him to try easing everyone into it by "trial" shorter periods for some months before the actual move. It could be a good idea to initiate it for a couple of months as he suggested and work your way up as you all get more comfortable with each other.
3. It can be a great opportunity for you as well to begin thinking about your needs, triggers, boundaries as you all figure out how things can be managed together. Your food/dress preferences, your privacy needs (maybe set out one day a week for just hubby and yourself to go out of town as a couple), your distribution of household chores and tasks, responsibilities and duties, etc.
4. A very important point - are they moving into your house or is it going to become their house? That will determine whether they get to insist how you do things around your home or whether they are able to understand and respect boundaries. If you're planning to have children, they are going to be around your kids. Are you okay with them raising your children in their ways or is that something that needs discussion with your husband?
5. For them too, it is necessary to test out the waters to see if they are able and willing to give up their independence in their own setup and come to your home. It can help to remember that some of their strictness might arise from insecurities and once they see they won't be forced to change their way of life as long as they don't try to change yours, perhaps they might learn to give certain things a rest.
Since you have already agreed to this arrangement on a permanent basis, I can't see any reasonable way for you to obstruct his plans. However, there is ample chance for you to participate in the plans and ensure that the transition remains a happy one for you.
@0m
Thanks so much for your reply, and this applies to everyone who responded to this thread. Everyone here has provided some very good ideas and I will definitely take them into consideration while figuring out the best approach.
Now in response to 0m:
1: That's true, he was upfront with me from the very beginning about this aspect and to be honest, because it was so early in the dating phase and I didn't know if things would even go anywhere between us, I went along with it at the time. When things got serious between us, I started getting a little iffy about this aspect but he was constantly assuring me that his parents are the nicest people I'll ever meet and they seemed that way when I spoke to them over the phone a couple of times before getting married. Mind you, they actually are incredibly nice people, and the only things that really bother me about them is the inherent lack of privacy that comes with them staying with us (something that I may not care so much about a few years into the marriage) and the fact that they seem to have a streak of trying to enforce their way of things on me. It's possible that even that may not be an issue when they come to live with us since my experience with them was in their home country, where the things they insisted I do are very normal.
2 & 3: As an update, their trip to come stay with us for a few months got cancelled due to issues on their end but I think I was more on board with it after a while of thinking it through than my husband was. I agree with you that a trial run would have been a good opportunity for me to see how the dynamic is when they are staying with us here.
4: The plan is that they would be moving into our house but since they would be moving in permanently, it will also become their home. As in, their name wouldn't be on the deed or anything but their son's house is also theirs by extension. I haven't given much thought to kids since I'm not sure when/if we'll have them. I don't think that part is too concerning to me though since I'll probably be a stricter parent than I see them being.
5: Yeah, I think giving up their independence is a big concern for my FIL since he's still trying to get his old business back up and running, which will be practically impossible here because of the regulations. To be fair though, they are also entirely reliant on my husband to provide for their daily financial needs. As things stand, he owns the house they live in, and provides money for everything they buy, even groceries. So their independence is artificial in a way even now. Even if they were to come stay with us, things probably would not change that much for them since I'm more than happy to let them continue to live as they want as long as they allow the same for me. This one mainly applies to food, clothes, timings, and religious practices since there isn't much else to it.
@neonSummer8296
That's great! It sounds like you're feeling positive about this trial and maybe it will help you find the path forward! When you have a little time, it might be helpful to go through our little self help guide on boundaries - https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/
Please feel free to share any thoughts or ideas as they come along, if you like.
Sending you good wishes.