I also need advice

@dapperPlane9428

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I’m 23 years old and had been in a relationship with my high school sweetheart since I was 17 years old. My high school sweetheart broke up with me about two Mays ago supposedly because we wanted different things. (He wanted children were as I wanted to finish my schooling first.) (This can happen quite often in relationships, especially when both sides want something different. I do understand your side of things because it's usually better to finish schooling before thinking about having kids) We got back together after one week where he called me and told me he regretted breaking up with me and drove for two hours to see me at my dorm. (This feels irrational. You both wanted different things, and then he comes back...I suspect he couldn't handle the separation anxiety and abandonment, and it lead him to reach out to you) Two days after New Years this year, we had a talk again and in which he came up with the same “reasoning/excuse” for us to talk, when asked if he wanted to break up he didn’t give a clear answer and then said no break up. (He knows where you stand when it comes to this, however he has been ignoring this, and it's leading to him feeling unhappy. At this point he knows breaking up is the right decision, but being alone and starting all over again it's more painful than anything) Next day I asked to reassure myself but was met again with an unclear answer. (I could only imagine how you feel at this point, it's awful not knowing where he stands) He said he was miserable with his current living situation and work situation, he wanted to find himself because he felt so lost. (This is one of the many excuses people give to end a relationship, however it's a good sign he has certain things he needs to solve on his ow) He said he wanted to be ready for the real world so he could provide for me and told me I deserved better. (He gave you a mixed message here...so he wanted to be "ready" to provide for you, but at the same time he wants to end things.) I told him I was soon graduating and I would soon be able to help him and support him like he had done so for me, but he said he didn’t want me to and didn’t want me around anymore either. (He gave you excuses, you tried to show support and help him, but it made him be more honest. I honeslty think this has nothing to do with you, it really feels like he couldn't handle a lot of things) The things he said hurt me a lot because I was sure we would work things out and we would overcome this issue. (It's understandable you feel hurt and sad, it's heartbreaking hearing the words he said) We were having a conversation but nothing from his side was being said. He wanted to break up, he didn’t, then yes then no then finally yes. (That's awful...he doesn't know what he really wants, and it's really hurting you) When I felt we were done fixing this, he decided again just two days ago to finally tell me he wants to break up in person. (It's like he mentions whatever he's reasons are, you try to help him which gets rid of his excuse, but then he adds more things to the mix. He doesn't even understand whats going on inside of him) I didn’t want to cry but tears were there (It's normal you cried here, it's painful and hurtful hearing him say things and then being unsure which causes you to feel even more hurt) and I just calmly asked him to leave my home. He started giving me excuses about not loving me anymore but they all sounded like excuses and not explanations so I again asked him to leave and when he wouldn’t I got up from my chair and was starting to head for the bathroom. He tried to grab my hand and I begged him to not grab me or touch me and asked him to please leave again and he finally did. I’m trying to not be bothered and I’m trying to not cry and I’m trying not to let this negative gut wrenching feeling in me tear me down. (I suspect this is a way you are surpressing and pushing to the side how you feel. OF course you should feel bothered, sad, hurt, angry, annoyed and other emotions after the kind of coversation you had with him, it's completely normal) But it’s really hard. It’s really hard and I have a lot of questions that I want to ask but it’s better not to know right? There won’t be any answers that’ll make me feel better will there? There’s a lot I want to know and a lot I don’t. I just want to be okay, I know I’ll be okay later on but not now (At this time it feels very painful and hurtful because all of this very recent, but in due time you will feel better) and I just need to have someone hear this because no one else will. They all just say to move on but don’t let me voice out how I feel. (I see what you mean, it's really tough hearing "move on" when what you are looking for is to feel heard and understood) I will move on but someone hear me out please.

Sometimes all you really need is just someone to listen and not necessarily provide a solution. People cant always help themselves in this regard, you may just need to explain that to the people close to you. Your feelings in all this are completely understandable. You will eventually be ok and its important to keep remembering that. And it's also ok to not be ok right now. I cant imagine being ok in your situation, but I do hope you feel better soon and find the comfort you need here.