I feel crazy
So my fiancé (28M) has been slowly basically ghosting me(21F) it feels like. So since we got engaged in November, I feel like either he is getting to comfortable or gave up. He forgot our anniversary in February, we barley talk unless it’s about his games or in the car or something about him. And all he does is play his games w his friends, hangs with his friends, or works and sleeps. We don’t do things together like we use to. He doesn’t clean anything and when I mention to him he needs to do something he doesn’t do it for weeks and then if I mention how he doesn’t help clean or anything he always brings up the excuse that he’s tired from working, well I work too and I’m full time school on top of cleaning up and taking care of our bills. He has started barely having sex w me or making me feel sexy. But he jerks off by him self or if I’m in the next room. He spends way too much money on pot instead of the bills. And i basically have to beg him to spend time w me or even cuddle in bed. We use to be so strong together and now I feel like i live w a roommate instead of my partner. Am I crazy? Am I overreacting? How do I mention these things to him without him turning it on me or makin me seem crazy?
Hi @conscientiousJar3981
The way I see it from what you told, you're obviously not crazy nor overreacting.
Have you tried to ask-to-understand to find out where did it go wrong from his point of view?
I made this post adapted from Positive Psychology here the title may not fit, but perhaps the steps may help. What do you think?
Oh dear! I feel he is taking you for granted and this happens in long term relationship when men gets too comfortable with their partner.
@conscientiousJar3981, that sounds horrible. It sounds like you are no longer a priority in his life for one reason or another. I would confront him about it in a non-accusing way. I always like to lead off with facts not opinions. Like here are the things I've observed or actually seen. The same stuff you put in your post. Then tell him how it makes you feel. Then invite him to contribute to conversation to build further understanding. If he's open and ready, he should either confirm your feelings or open up about his.
I've seen a lot of my male friends fall into the same pattern you're describing. It's usually in conjunction with stress and depression. It's choosing the easy way to cope by smoking pot and playing games which provides you with a constant dose of dopamine without having to put in a lot of work. Real life doesn't provide all that much sense of accomplishment for men these days. We don't find meaning in our jobs. We are empty but don't know why and, frankly, still don't live in a society that allows us to speak about how empty, weak, and powerless we really feel. I'm sure his friends would make fun of him if he tried, and he probably feels like if he did that with you he would appear weak. We are taught that no woman wants a weak man. Is that right? Well, yeah in my experience, every time I shared my vulnerable side with a partner I went from being a lover to being a friend. So unfortunately, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't.
Please, realize I'm not taking his side. Just try to understand the dynamics of being a man in this society and expectations that go along with that. Playing games is easy. You feel like you accomplish something even if you don't really. Relationships are hard work. Sometimes you put in a lot of effort for little return. It's a hard cycle to break. I wish you the best of luck.
You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. You need to tell him either he changes and meets your expectations for an intimate relationship, or you will leave. He may love you and care about you still, but if he cannot and/or will not give you what you need, you have to leave -- for your own happiness. Now you may not want to give up on you/him so easily, so talk to him, be very clear about what you want and about his options (change the way you need or lose you), and give him some time. If he doesn't come around, leave. You deserve someone who can give you what you want.
