I'm struggling to see the light in my marriage
Hi guys It's my first post here and I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing or has experienced something similar to me? I've been married to my wife for 5 years and we adopted our first child last year. I've always loved my wife and I think I always will. Up until recently I've always seen our relationship as a positive one but recently I've been struggling to find the love and connection that we had before. I've had issues with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life and the severity of my difficulties come and go and usually my wife is able to empathise and help, but this time is different. The other day she said "I feel like you're a black hole at the minute and I want to keep you at arms length". I don't think she realised how much of a blow this was to me. She says that she cares and I kind of believe her, I dunno. Every time I share my feelings, I feel like she's desperate to get out of the conversation and will offer a solution or something I should do to feel better as soon as possible without ACTUALLY listening to me. Slowly, I'm finding myself looking at her and finding it hard to feel anything other than hate from her. She says that she loves me and that nothing has changed but I think that mutual resentment is the strongest emotion between us. We both adore our son who we adopted last year and are doing everything in our power to make sure that no issues we are experiencing affect him and I guess in a way we are putting all of what we have into him and there's nothing left for each other. On a sexual note, while I've been struggling emotionally I've been hornier than ever but not for her. I'll turn down sex or intimacy with her and then lie in bed waiting for her to fall asleep and masterbate to porn. Thanks for reading 💖
Dear Aqua, I have been married a very long time, 2 kids, been thru alot have CPTSD and we have had our ups and downs. I started writing letters to my hub to get my feelings out to him on what I really like about him, what I love about our relationship and what I really need from our ever changing relationship. I kept all of these letters positive. I am seeing a therapist for the ptsd and that's helped me learn new approaches to improve my emotional state and my relationships. It's definitely helped. Sometimes it's easier to communicate in writing rather than face to face. It gives time for the other person to take it in without anger or tears or resentment included. I hope this helps you in some way. ABB
It's hard from just the one given perspective but perhaps you are projecting how you feel onto her. Maybe things haven't changed but it's how you're seeing things. Either way, imo you need to be able to handle your emotions and your worst moments internally, rather than relying solely on her. (You can use a support network, you don't have to be alone) She could be going through a whole lot too - you could be dragging her down making things harder for you both. Communication is important undoubtedly, but it seems like you are able to talk and be honest and open without problems, at least on her end. The only advice I can give is to stop cutting down completely on the intimacy, or that's going to affect how you both think and feel about each other dramatically. You both have to put effort to make things work and recover from a slump. Maybe try being more romantic, holding or touching hands, bringing home flowers, scheduling dates or together time, stuff like that. Maybe more spontaneous moments like compliments, kisses or just a smile or wink and try to find ways to have fun and laugh together. You might need to individually or both together seek counselling or couple's counselling. Wish you all the best.