Leave or Stay? Normal or No?
hey guys!
so I’ve been with the same guy going on 2 years, we’ve both been through a divorce. I have 3 kiddos from my previous marriage, they are 9,7,6. The kids love him and he’s great with them. we have lived together for 1.5 of this relationship.. everything seemed great until we moved in together… and I feel like though they are his set boundaries they are completely unrealistic, I feel that he has major control issues. Someone please help me out and give me an opinion…
I feel everything I do he creates an argument out of it.
he doesn’t want me to go into a store alone.. because he’s afraid I’ll look at someone. I work in a private environment with the elderly, he’s afraid something’s going on there. He’s made me quit multiple jobs because he doesn’t like them and he’s paranoid. I am applying for new jobs to have a greater income and he keeps saying you can’t work there you can’t work there you’ll cheat or you’ll be someone’s friend. You will get close to someone. There’s been no history of ANY CHEATING! None! I am not allowed to make any eye contact with any males. He says if I make eye contact with any males he will leave me. I can’t say thank you or have a nice day at fast food or anything. Can’t ever have alone time with kids. Can’t have my own ***. Nothing. Can’t go eat with my parents. I’ve tried talking to him MANY times. Advice???
@quietCoconut2731 Hi. This sounds super uncomfortable. Yes he has major control issues. You are an adult, he is not your parent. He is responsible for his insecurities, you are not responsible for making him feel secure - not in the way he is demanding. A relationship is a relationship, not a prison. You have been a complicit prisoner up until this point, trying to satisfy his demands. But he keeps adding on to the demands it seems. Even if you wanted to be complicit, where would it end? Can you even reason with him? Can he understand how stifled you must be feeling? Is he so insecure that he cares more about controlling you in this way more than he cares about you?
There is absolutely no reasoning with him. I can not say anything to get through to him. I’m absolutely miserable, I’ve never been in a relationship like this. Like how is making eye contact with someone considered cheating?
@quietCoconut2731 “How is making eye contact cheating?” It isn’t. It just isn’t.
@quietCoconut2731 I think this definitely falls into abuse. It sounds like a fairly severe form of control. Unless he is willing to undergo a lot of therapy, tbh I think this is something to get out of asap.
He sounds like he has some insecurities to deal with on his own. Maybe he is expressing fear from a previous relationship experience and taking it out on you. Would he be open to talking to a therapist to work on finding the tools and solutions to help him gain confidence in the relationship? His behavior and reaction to you is out of your control, all you can do is use reassuring words to help him feel secure with you and that you are committed to being with him.
@quietCoconut2731
Honestly those boundaries are beyond ridiculous especially if they are intruding upon your relationship with your family and children! I can understand a person might get nervous about their partner falling in love with someone else, that is a fairly ordinary concern that might cross a person’s mind at some point in a relationship- but his mechanism for controlling that is completely toxic!
You obviously have goals and want independence. You want to be able to afford your own things and provide for your children. He’s definitely being unreasonable in his demands. It seems to me that he has some drastic insecurities; but rather than focussing on his issues with himself he seeks to control every aspect of his partner instead. That is never going to be a solution because he is looking outward to solve a problem that is within himself. You can’t keep sacrificing everything in your life just so that he can finally feel secure in his relationship with you!
It is for each person to determine what the boundaries of their relationship are, but they should at the very least mutually want what is beneficial to their partner’s well-being and happiness. In this case his boundaries are only focused on his own paranoia about you meeting someone else and his fears that you will leave him one day, or smile at a stranger. It’s negatively affecting your work and personal life, and it’s going to be unbearable after a long time. Eventually you won’t have friends (he’ll think you’re having an affair), your family will be distant, you wont have work, you will have nothing and you will be miserable- but he will be happy because he has complete control of his partner and can finally feel safe in his relationship.
Do you think that is a good example for your children? If you are in a cage, then they will be too! His need for control will only get worse over time. You are not some pet that he can put a leash upon to ensure that it will never run away. You are a person with a family, who needs to work and have dignity and freedom and autonomy to make your own choices and pursue the path that makes you happiest. You will never be less!
If he isn’t able to respect these things then he’s not in a relationship with you - his primary relationship is with his fears and his deep rooted insecurities. Your happiness will never be as important as his need to pacify his fear. You can choose to live that way if you want, but I sincerely hope you realise you and your family deserve so much better!
CatsInTheCradle
I just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm gonna be a 100% Blunt with you these are all big red flags run before it becomes abusive Is my opinion I've seen so many go through this and it be too late by the time they try to leave You have kids to think about and on top of that ask yourself would you want your kids to see this or go through this themselves If the answer is no you pretty much answered yourself
Now there is always the possibility that therapy and counseling can help Him but you need to realize if he doesn't want help or change it will not happen he needs to see and understand why what hes doing is wrong and hurting you if and you if he can't then that shows you hes not willing to compromise, grow or care for you and it may be time to close that door
Again my opinion and so sorry if I crossed the line Wish you the best
