Lies of sexual past uncovered by accident :(
I met my now fiancé 2 and a half years ago. We met and fell in love very quickly and intensely. I had only had sex once before and he had more of a colourful past. We both come from a conservative culture and I always believed sex should be with one you love. I regretted my past experiences. He had slept with two girls and said 8 other sexual experiences. I found this really hard to understand and accept. We slept together after 3 months and he reassured me that he hasn’t had sex in 3 years and he changed his ways of meaningless hookups. So I felt that we had both waited so I agreed to have sex. Throughout the relationship we had arguments where I couldn’t accept his past and he also was jealous of mine. He used to make me feel bad of my past even though there was far less. He told me all the details and specifics and stuck to his numbers. He always made one thing clear - he hated liars and has always been honest with me. Fast forward to two and a half years and an engagement later. I met a girl who told me that she had in fact been with him. He used her for sex and had a relationship with her with no intention of marriage but she was led to believe he was serious. He kept the relationship up for sex. She took revenge and told his conservative parents and made his life hell. When I told him what I had found out, he then admitted he had been lying about his whole past all along. That instead of sleeping with two women, he had slept with 10. He said he had been lying because he was ashamed and didn’t want to lose me. He claims his anger about my past and not believing that I was telling the truth was a projection from him. He is on his knees and claiming he will change and never meant to hurt me. He is very broken and willing to do anything to save our relationship. His actions are also proving to be. He is showing change and treating me better in all aspects since. Bear in mind we did love each other a lot despite the past that kept coming up. How do I forgive him? How do I get over the moral mismatch? That he spent 8 years hooking up with girls and specifically asking for only casual sex, and I only ever wanted sex for love? Please help :(
It sounds like he really does love you and that it really does feel bad for keeping that a secret I think that as long as you and him are able to be honest with each other that now that the truth has came out you have a chance to continue on with your relationship and learn to forgive him it doesn't have to be instant but forgiveness is mostly for our own souls and more or less not for them.
@helloMango4642
There is so much pain and heartache over situations of your (and his) pasts, that cannot be changed. While I believe that there is a certain amount of our past that can go to demonstrate a certain amount of our character, as who we are today, that doesn't mean that our past sexual resume is subject to the same ridicule. If a person loves you, and you love him, and you both vow to be together -- and the only sexual partners you plan to have from the day you met forward, then whatever happened in the past should not be brought up, compared, or up for public scrutiny.
(Obviously, this is different for non-monogamous couples, or those in the lifestyle, or alternative relationships. You've hinted that this relationship is monogamous and does not include others, so we're clear.)
Both of you should let the past go, stop bringing it up, stop comparing it to your life now, and cease the need to harm one another over decisions that cannot be altered or changed. While his deception about his past is problematic, he shouldn't have been placed in the position of having to defend his past in the first place. While it isn't ok he lied, he certainly shouldn't have been put into a position to disclose what he's done prior to when you both met.
Why this suggestion?
Because if you continue in the way you are with one another, IT NEVER ENDS. It will eventually kill everything you both share together, everything you've built, everything you love about the other, and it will act as a poison to infect everything you both want for your future.
Yet, this is your relationship, you choose what is right for you. He will choose what is right for him. Hopefully, you both can let the past be the past, and focus on your future together, because in reality - that is all that matters.
@helloMango4642
It is understandable that both of you have had past relationships ( obv he more than you) that you guys regret. And have made efforts, through the love you share, to move forward and take your relationship to next level by getting engaged. Although his past seems hard to forgive, it's the past, we have no control over it now whatsoever. So it's better not to invest in such futile arguments and better to focus on the future.
I believe that people can change. And please make an informed decision by weighing in what's good for You, because as someone said above, you are not going to do him or anyone any favour by forgiving him but only making peace with your own soul and moving forward with your relationship into a new beginning, so that the past won't interfere anymore. Hope this makes sense.
I understand your pain and grief you must be feeling. You seem to have a strong moral compass and this omission and avoidance feels like a betrayal. My partner did something similar. He omitted a romantic/sexual partner and it pained me when I found out. Luckily I found out within 6 months. But I went through the same thoughts and feelings as you must be. Why keep it? Omission is also a lie. Even if I know everything now, is there more to the story? Etc.. I learnt and slowly (very slowly) accepted his perspective. He didn't share it with me because he felt ashamed about that situation. It sounds like your man loves you a lot and has serious intentions for a future with you. Being transparent and allowing conversations to occur (no matter how many times) will help you both to heal and move forward. I don't want to suggest what option for you to do. But just keep in mind that people have all sorts of histories and take a while before they're comfortable to share it, so they'd also try to avoid anything that could give it away. Maybe he takes him years or marriage to trust someone to open up about it? Or even may take him even longer. It's at the end his journey to eventually process and heal from. You've got to decide if you want to support him through that? If your love and future is worth this lie? And whether your own morals and self can overcome it or if it's a deal breaker? Good luck x
Thank you for your thoughtful words, did you work through it and forgive eventually? I want to forgive him and move forward, I just feel sad because it was 8 girls he lied about because he felt it was too embarrassing. I’d honestly asked more than 100 times and maybe because inherently I knew he was lying! I just hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel and hearing your story gave me some hope.
