Lost and confused
Over the past year or so I’ve found myself getting upset over the smallest things. My fiancé has stopped doing the little things that made me feel loved and wanted. Tonight he told me that he did all of those things before I started nagging and just constantly complaining… now I feel like I will never get that back. I know I have things to work on and so does he… what do I do?? I don’t want to just give up but I feel so lost and I feel sooo unwanted and unloved by him…
We do live together and I just feel like he doesn’t help me with anything around the house. He will say, “I’ll do the dishes in a minute” and he never does. I just feel like when someone says they’ll do something you need to be accountable for that. So I get upset because I work pretty much 40 hours a week then I have to come home to dirty dishes, laundry on the floor, and just the house a mess.
I would love some advice and tips on how to start to rebuild the relationship and start that connection again. (I just find myself looking back on memories and wanting that love back). I know people say there’s a honeymoon phase but I just feel like it’s the bare minimum that I’m even asking for and can’t get.
@brightPerson9519 So your getting upset that he isn’t pulling his weight is an example of “getting upset at the smallest things”, as you put it? I don’t know if it’s a small thing. Do that for another 5 years, and if that was the only complaint, I’d still be plotting someone’s demise! No just kidding! But I would be really upset. So, I think maybe you are seeing a pattern and he is not giving you any indication it will change, and then he has the balls to tell you it’s because you’re “nagging” him. I’m sorry, you say you’re going to do the dishes, that means do the fricken dishes, don’t pull out the gaslighting, “you’re nagging me” excuse. How to handle it in a constructive way…I don’t know, but if he is indeed gaslighting you, stop internalizing his excuses.
@brightPerson9519 I understand this really do but its something within both of you that hasn't been forfilled so ask yourself when he does something and your triggered ask your why would I feel this way really go inside see what's going on with your feelings and emotions see if your seeking external validation from your partner because most of the time it's something deeper then the relationship sometimes it's a judge of your partner like why ain't you forfilling me and its your job to forfill yourself complete yourself anything else out of the love is a give and a receive in gratitude is a judgement. This is my perspective ❤️🩹✨️
Thank you. I really need to work on myself. I’m just not very happy with how things are.
im struggling with his family since his sister and mom doesn’t like me and I’m honestly not sure why..
@brightPerson9519
That is a path of never ending circle motion .... "i will do ABC if you stop or do this"
"this" is generalized like nagging ....... Always hated that term ...... if you remind someone of doing something they said they would your" Nagging" but if you let them fail on their own it is Why did you not tell me and remind me........ well dear that would be Nagging and we know that must end on my part........
The aggravation of cleaning cooking and everything will only weigh more each month that passes...... find your own validation and realize he thinks love is a commodity that he only hands out IF you let him slide and do what he wants.......
frankly if you think sister and mom have issues ask them straight out.... how they respond will show who they are...... they can iron out any differences or they will lie through it better to know for sure then make assumptions about how they feel and what type of person they are
Yeah I just hate having to remind him all the time because then he says “I forgot.” Which obviously is aggregating because you can see it.
I’ve asked his mom and his mom said, “I don’t know why you think I don’t like you.” As she proceeds to say, “I’m tired of being nice to her” to him. When I didn’t do anything to her at all. She is upset that her own son doesn’t text or call her everyday so she started blaming me. I don’t know when he texts or calls her so I’m not sure why I’d be the one to blame..
i met his sister and I went up to her and said,” hi! How’s it going?” She said, “good” and walked away. No interest in talking to me. I’ve tried and tried. He has put me above his sister most of the time especially when we already have plans and she just tells him to come hangout with her. So he will tell her “no we already have plans so I can’t” and he’ll tell her that she can’t just expect him to stop his plans. So she blames me for that..
I will work on myself and just focus on what is going on within myself and try to figure out what will make me happy for me.
@brightPerson9519
sounds like he put ideas in their head about you .......maybe before they met you.......
if his mom is expecting you to Fix him so he include her or text her etc she wants a babysitter for him not a partner.....
Do not remind him when you are out of dishes cause they are dirty or whatever he said he would do let him face it .......
i had mine when i was gone use disposable plates ........but used literally all the knives forks and spoons .... said he did not want to run dishwasher ..... what did his use of any paper plates do just gave me an errand to buy some next time i was at store ..........
i served him dinner upon return i had some plastic utensils for me ........... told him "oops no forks guess not running dishwasher was not the fabulous idea you thought it was." .... then i explained THAT was nagging and reminding him to just do stuff was reminders.
and told him he could replace the paper plates when he went to store....
@brightPerson9519
He treats you like this, but yet here you are still asking for help, still searching for ways to rekindle the romance. This is because you don’t take him for granted. You don’t just assume your relationship is going to function in a healthy way without actively seeking solutions to your problems, without you putting in effort.
I think maybe for him, he started taking you for granted. His honeymoon phase he made an effort up until he put a ring on it. After that [maybe] he started thinking, “She’s said yes [to marriage], we’re living together, it’s locked in no matter what …” so he no longer sees a reason to try as much. People stop running as soon as they cross the finish line. Unfortunately that’s how some people treat their relationships - marrying the girl is the end of the race. From reading your above posts, I think also he has a pattern of taking people for granted- looking at how he treats his sister whenever she wants to see him, he makes excuses to get out of it. Also he uses you as the excuse which is why there might be some resentment building up from his mother and his sister.
We can all feel unmotivated at times and not feel like doing the dishes, or not doing the laundry occasionally. Yes sometimes our partner can carry us through these moments if we have had a rough day. But if his attitude and character is consistently to rely on you to do all the chores, to not keep his promises to do the things he says he will do, to accuse you of nagging instead of pro-actively fixing his issues, and to take you for granted then this will be immensely problematic in the long term for your marriage.
Society romanticizes ‘the chase’. They tell us that the man chases the woman, and says cute things and takes her on dates and buys her gifts and roses and then they marry in a chapel with a white dress with rings and cake and live happily ever after. And so some of us think that’s what love is. But there’s so very little conversation about what exactly happens after - the chores, the arguments, how difficult it is to work and have a relationship, the death of attraction, the stress, the children, how much their habits annoy each other daily.
But in a marriage these are the small things that in the end turn out to be the important things. How he handles conflicts. Does he continue to pursue an intimate knowledge of you and your needs? Does he actively continue to contribute to your happiness and growth? Does he make an effort to improve your relationship? I think you need to use this time to more fully understand him as a person, and to see the person that he actually is.
CatsInTheCradle
@brightPerson9519 hello, i deleted a duplicate post to this under forum guidelines. copy-pasting a reply by @Marcus0599 under the deleted thread here
Okay, I am no professional but first and foremost you guys need to have a completely open conversation about how each of you feels. If you find that you are nagging and constantly complaining, then talk to him about why you have been feeling this way. If it’s because of him and he truly loves you then he will be open to having this conversation and working on fixing the actions. If the nagging and complaining is from little things sort of unrelated to him, then you also need to communicate that to him. Once you both understand where each other is coming from, 99% of the issues can be solved. You need to remember that you guys are a team and 2 minds is always more powerful than one. If you guys can get through this, you will be much stronger and closer. What I like to do with my SO, when we go through a rough patch is to remember why we are together in the first place. Grab some wine, pick a spot we use to go to when we were younger and have an open and honest conversation. You both clearly love each other, don’t let that go over something small. Best of luck and I hope you two work through this together!
