Mismatched Values
My partner and I had multiple disagreements recently revolving around our moral values, specifically respecting other people's relationships. I have two stories to share for context.
1. A female friend of his is visiting from abroad. My partner said the girl's ex might still have feelings for her. I pointed out that it was inappropriate to say this as the ex is already engaged to a new girl. My partner didn't seem to care and joked that it was still possible.
2. He went to a bachelor's party and one of the guys there got a lapdance and they sent a video of it to their GC. The guy's girlfriend has access to the account (and therefore the GC as well). They were all joking about what excuse to tell the girl and how it would make her mad. I told him that's pretty much cheating if the girl is not okay with her bf receiving a lapdance. He said "Not my problem".
I'm so torn. I thought he was so against cheating as his girlfriend before me also cheated on him. This makes me absolutely disgusted and I don't know how else to confront him. Every time I bring the values up, he acts like I'm such a pain for thinking too deeply about it.
@Ysha
it sounds a little bad but these are two seperate situations. its not entirely based on moral values. if possible dont judge him based on how he treats his girlfriend to how he has opinion about his friends . it might sound like hypocrisy but anyways we do not live in a perfect world. instead of morals you should rather look at conclusions as in case:
1. maybe this female friend that he talks about is not at good terms with him due to certain issue and its not impossible to assume that her ex might have forgotten her.
2. after that lap dance event is complete , they are having fun on gc. its nohing more , maybe he dosent even support what he said. but he wont say that openly. thats not my problem only means " that since he didnt do it , its not his problem"
lastly , its a little difficult to say that anything is cheating if gf is not okay with it. if guys gf is not okay with seeing him lapdance , first she should not enter the personal space if she cannot handle it. ( for a reason its boys gc, it must have an appropriate name for it too).
conquences on a situation is the only thing that makes whether a thing is allowed or not.
@Skansly
Hi! Thank you for taking the time to read it.
1. The ex is engaged and the girl is also in a relationship already. Regardless of them having feelings for each other or not, that's their private business and I don't think it's appropriate to gossip about them in that light, as a respect to their current partners.
2. It depends on the agreement of the relationships what counts as cheating. In my country, to receive a lapdance is generally considered cheating. The mere fact that the guy knows his gf will get angry about it is a sign that it was crossing the boundaries of their relationship. I believe the line "if guys gf is not okay with seeing him lapdance, first she should not enter the personal space if she cannot handle it." kinda means that it's okay if he does something like that as long as she doesn't know.
I am a firm believer that if your partner sets boundaries, you respect them whether they are around or not and whether they ever find out or not. It's about the value of respect for other people and their boundaries, not just of consequence.
@Ysha
So if you are a Firm believer in YOUR boundaries and he has believe TOO. That sounds like your way or else...
Just because people have New bf or GF does not mean they do NOT still have unresolved feelings and if your bf sees it.. or thinks it so what.............. IF both break up and reconnect at some point and people said "I knew it all along but never said anything" ...... does that meet your moral compass... You say you respect the other new partners but what if either of them was a rebound thing and being used. How is that respect.
Lap dances or going to places that offer that did you forbid him from going....
it is not his problem what others do and he is not their moral compass... perhaps you would like it better if his friends asked themselves what you think of things before they do it too...
I’m being cautious of how he respects other people’s boundaries. It’s been a struggle because he does the same with me (stepping on my boundaries). I respect his and I don’t think it’s wrong to want him to be respectful as well.
Pretty much. Those couples have been together for years and one couple is already engaged. There is absolutely no need to speculate if they’re rebounding especially since the break up was 9 years ago. There were no signs of unsolved feelings. He was the only one gossiping about “what ifs”.
I don’t mind him going to bars and whatever. I just don’t think it’s right that if one of his friends cheat, he’d goad them. He says it’s not his problem since he doesn’t know the gf, but if he did, then he would consider it wrong. That’s what disgusts me because he would tolerate cheating.
No need to attack me, please. That last line is too far.
@Ysha
i understand what you are getting at and i understand that respect and boundaries are important but we relate things with consequence cause it helps to keep a limit on personal space on what a person can do or not , lets say a gf does not like being teased should the bf it for extended period of time or if the gf does not like him watching football , so should he never watch football again , where does the list of what to do or what not to do starts/ends . take some time to think on it but "if guys gf is not okay with seeing him lapdance, first she should not enter the personal space if she cannot handle it." - dont focus on this line cause it was a talk that men had about a girl that was not present in the group at that point of time . its was a group of only boys cause it was meant for fun. do you really think that image will ever reach his gf, its likely impossible. its a little sensitive topic cause things are said in a conversation knowing how other person will react . ok , what is the chance that you would had a discussion with your bf if he took his friend side instead of telling " not his problem". ? (just think about it, not neccessary to answer me).
