Mistakes happened
I guess what i need help with is someone who can pick my mind and question me so i can try amd find another answer for my wife. It was a while that this had happened but it is coming back amd affecting me amd my wifes relationship now. She wants answers to something i had said and did back in decemeber. Me and wife had been talking about fwb relationships but never actually went through with it. But anyways, I had got feelings for one of my coworkers during that time and i shoved under the rug becuase it was a stupid little crush that meant nothing to me. The wife didnt find out until about 3 months ago and its been causing more fights than ever. Weve talked about it several times but it just keeps getting worse. And im not sure what to do anymore, I dont want to lose her becuase she is my everything. She just doesnt accept my answers of why i did it. They dont make sense to her or they dont add up. She has already told me she cant forgive and forget but that she needs my answer or shes leaving.
In december we were fighting quite alot, probably several times a day, we werent in a good spot but we were working on getting back to being good. I told her i was feeling neglected and like i was just a burden in our relationship. But she wont take that as answer becasue she said she felt neglected for months that we didnt have sex and she never had the urges to go and get with someone else, but the moment i felt neglected i caught small feelings without any intention of trying to be with anyone else. Those feelings came and they went all within a week.
I also told her that i was really starting to compare my self to her abusive ex girlfriend. For a while i felt my wife just hated me and wanted notging to do with me. It seemed that every time i tried to open my mouth we would fight. I know neither of those give me an excuse to catch feelings for someone else while i am married.
@walker8891
Hi--thanks for sharing. 💜 I'm not 100% sure if I'm understanding everything, but I'm going to summarize my understanding of the situation to the best of my ability.
Back in December, you and your wife were both discussing and considering friends-with-benefits relationships. You never went through with it, but at the time you found that you had some feelings for a co-worker. You never acted upon these feelings, but your wife found out a few months ago and it's been causing constant fights since then.
You've tried to discuss this with her and explain the situation (i.e. your feelings were very short-lived, they didn't mean much, and you never acted on them and never would without her consent). But she isn't accepting your explanations and has threatened to leave unless if you're able to provide an answer that she finds satisfying.
In attempting to answer her, you've mentioned that at certain times you've felt neglected, so possibly that was a contributing factor in your attention wandering elsewhere. But she hasn't accepted that since she says she's felt neglected by you at times also, but that didn't cause her to have a crush on someone else.
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Personally, I feel a bit surprised reading that just the knowledge of you having a brief flash of feelings for someone else (that you never acted on and never would without her approval) offended your wife so much that she is threatening to leave. It's pretty normal for couples to experience crushes on other people, and in most relationships it isn't problematic as long as it doesn't result in cheating.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/have-a-crush-while-in-a-relationship_n_5ab2d5ade4b008c9e5f3d9db
https://taylorcounselinggroup.com/blog/is-it-ok-to-have-a-crush-while-in-a-relationship/
However, I understand from what you've described that there are a lot of other issues in your relationship. You were fighting with her long before she found out about this crush. And both of you have expressed at various times that you feel neglected or unsupported. So, I could possibly imagine a scenario where your relationship was already sort of crumbling, and then this revelation of you having a crush felt like it pushed things over the edge for her.
Here are some resources I was able to find that have some tips for dealing with feeling neglected or lonely in a relationship:
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/what-to-do-when-youre-feeling-neglected/
https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/wellbeing/a29483/feeling-neglected-relationship-advice/
Here are some resources I was able to find that have some tips for dealing with a jealous partner:
https://www.verywellmind.com/overcome-jealousy-in-your-marriage-2303979#how-to-deal-with-jealousy-in-a-marriage
https://www.bustle.com/articles/146053-6-ways-to-deal-with-a-jealous-partner-without-breaking-up
If you'd like to talk some more with someone about your situation, HERE is a list of experienced 7 Cups listeners who accept chats on relationship stress.