My boyfriend and I’s relationship is not going well
My boyfriend (24m) and I (22f) have been together for a little over a year and a half. When we first started dating he informed me that when he was with his ex girlfriend he cheated on her by downloading dating apps and using them. I expressed my concerns with this as I have been cheated on in the past but he promised me that he would never do it to me. Fast forward to about a month ago, we’re on a trip with his family and I am sitting next to him while he is on his laptop looking over his passwords and I see that he had logged into Tinder about 2 months before. Not wanting to cause a scene because his whole family was upstairs with us I go down to our room and he comes after me telling me it’s not what it looks like, he doesn’t know how that happened. For context, We have always had issues with him being honest with me (despite me being able to very easily pick out when he is lying). He kept swearing he didn’t do anything until I finally got the truth out of him. He claims he was super drunk and downloaded it and swiped for a few minutes but stopped because he realized he didn’t need anything other than me and he swears he didn’t even talk to anyone and deleted it right afte. I asked him why he did it but he told me he has no idea why but he can promise me it was morning to do with me. I almost left him that day but I love him so much and he promised he would never do something like this again. Our relationship has been rocky ever since, him overcome with guilt and me just feeling sad and like I can’t trust him. Yesterday while we were out I noticed his Instagram feed looked extremely suspicious (full of half naked sexy women) and in a moment I’m not proud of I saw that he went and liked one girl that he knows half naked onlyfans tease and went onto her page and liked a bunch of her photos, which honestly broke me all over again considering he never asks me for sexy photos because he “doesn’t really enjoy getting sexy photos” (so why are you liking someone else’s?) we had an argument about it where I made him unfollow her because I felt it was just disrespectful to me but I’m honestly just feeling so worthless and unloved. He claims he liked those photos around when the dating app thing happened and when he saw how bad hurt me he stopped liking photos like that and even showed me where he (without me asking him to do this) where he unfollowed a bunch of the random sexy girl accounts he followed plus just random girls he had from dating apps in the past. I still feel so broken because all of this stuff is happening at once in a fragile time where we’re trying to heal. He keeps lying to me about things and I’m worried he won’t ever stop. We’re looking into couples therapy to try to get to the root of some of our problems but I’m worried this feeling of being utterly broken won’t ever go away. I am looking for advice on how to move past all this hurt because despite everything I really do still love him. TIA.
I literally just downloaded this app and your post is the first I clicked on. My heart literally sank because I was able to relate to your post in ways I wish I didn’t. I’m going through the exact same thing and came across this app trying to find answers. I know that helpless feeling of doing everything right but it’s still not good enough. The lies are so hard to work through because your constantly having to analyze everything and dig for the truth since he won’t give it to you. I relate so much to this and I’m so sorry your feeling these emotions. My advice would be hypocritical at this point because I would tell you to choose yourself but I’m not doing that either 😕
We all have things we struggle with and it seems like looking at other girls may be one of his vices/struggles. I know a guy who really loves his girlfriend but a year or so into the relationship she was still catching him messaging Snapchat girls and following questionable accounts on insta. Part of it was that he was lazy and didn’t feel like doing a clean up of social media, so sometimes it can be stuff from the past lingering over into the relationship.
Your bf admitted to you that he cheated on his ex; perhaps he admitted this because he wants to be clear about who he was in the past but wants to be a better person. It might be best for him getting off IG if he’s willing to until he’s spent a long time not indulging in that kind of behavior. The tinder thing is a bit too far and he should understand if you want to take some space from him. If he’s willing to go to couples therapy it sounds as though he truly loves you and does not want to keep being pulled down by his desires of lust. It sounds like he really struggles with this and wishes it was easier for him to stop.
Hey Tia,
I am sorry you are feeling such a way. you seem like a very understanding person and I understand how you could feel like this.
I am happy you guys are looking into couples therapy. If he’s willing to do that, he has faith in the relationship and wants to do right by you.
I hate to say time heals all wounds but it does. It’s only been. a month & of course its okay to feel the way you do. Just try your best to respond and not react. He has to do his part of reassurance & set a very hard boundary. When i say hard, make sure he knows it and make sure you stick with it.
It might hurt if he does cross it but at the end of the day it will feel better that you looked out for yourself & protected your heart the best way you could.
I hope you guys get passed it. Seeking couples therapy is a step in the right direction. Best of luck! -VARE
