My wife says she loves me but can't do this anymore
Hi all,
Not sure where to turn with this and a bit of a story so will try to paraphrase:
About a week ago my wife and I went to bed I awoke in the night to find her on the sofa drinking red wine, she couldn't sleep and said that maybe it'd help. I tried to talk to her and see if I could get her to come to bed, at that point she started to tell me that she couldn't do this anymore and started laying out reasons. After a couple of hours she fell asleep and I was able to coax her to bed.
The next day after sleeping in my arms she woke up and we discussed a little the previous night and she said she didn't mean it, we were intimate and both got up to start our days. That night the same deal, except she hadn't woken up she was just having a couple of drinks and it started again. I went for a walk to calm down and asked to talk in the morning. In the morning I tried to start a conversation and she began to cry and said she couldn't she was practically hysterical. So I told her I could see she needed space and that I'd get out to work. She sent me a message saying she would spend until today (5 nights at a hotel). I told her I respect her space and that if she needs anything please let me know.
Since I have sent her a message of support and to let her know she is loved and she has promised that we will talk and that "no matter what is happening right now she loves me very much". However, she has also extended her hotel stay and suggested maybe we meet for a drink and talk then.
Like any couple we have our ups and downs, I will argue black is blue if I think correct and she will occasionally treat me like a pupil. On reflection there are things I think I have done that have hurt her and I need to work on myself, I haven't shown her physically often enough how much I love her and that needs to change. I would never deliberately hurt her however it appears as though I have and. So sorry. The past three years have been tough on us both, living abroad, Covid, a *** job and other issues.
Now I'm petrified that I will lose her, she has seemed so adamant about not doing this anymore, all i really want is to have a small window to try to make things right. Is there anything that I can do? I feel like I am going out of my mind here.
Thank you for taking the time to read and for listening.
@yellowGrapefruit2148 There may be. Prior to meeting with her you might want to read the secrets of effective communication section in the following book Feeling Good Together, Dr. David Burns. It’s available as an eBook.
Thank you for this,
It rings very true and over the last week I have done a lot of reflecting and introspective thinking and realise my part in all of this.
I hope that I am able to communicate this with my spouse.
Thank you again
@yellowGrapefruit2148
It is hard to say why unless she told you reasons..... i have told my spouse the same thing repeatedly yet they think all is well if we have a civil day or even a good day........ that does not change things deep down ..... being intimate or anything along that is often the person wanting to leave double checking if the spark is there still.... sometimes yes ... sometimes no partners may feel well we had a good weekend or something things must be better but no it is DEEPER especially if keeping her up at night
I hope if you want this to be saved you do more then just reflection that you could have done more.... my spouse does that BUT his actions do not change he somehow thinks SAYING ... he gets it or maybe we can..... ( insert idea ) but that NEVER happens is enough it is not ....... find what she is missing and do your best to fill that need because otherwise she will leave.