Non-monogamy relationship agreements regarding the "messy list"
Hello, I am in a non-monogamous relationship where we are navigating a conflict regarding 'messy lists' and past boundaries. Early on, I expressed discomfort with my partner dating people from a period in his life when he was unfaithful to a previous partner. While we briefly explored the idea of an exception for one specific person since he really wanted to at first, my partner ultimately agreed after having a conversation with that woman, to a total 'no-past-lovers' rule.
Recently, my partner has retracted his support for that agreement, suddenly. He is now claiming he only agreed due to pressure and is demanding to pursue this specific person. He has framed my boundary as a lack of 'open-mindedness' and has stated that if I don’t comply, his resulting resentment will end our relationship. I feel like my safety needs are being reframed as personal failures.
He says that ppl usually have real reasons for putting certain people on the "off limits list"
For me I don't have a good feeling with this woman, I met her to say hi once and he was vry standoffish toward me which didn't give me a good impression. Then my partner said he was still cheating on hr partner up until at least two years ago and when the later opened the relationship she could not handle the fact that her then parter was with other women (makes me question if she are able to respect me and my positioning with my parter) Something in me tells me that she will try to make him like her "more" since she is a person who searches for a lot of attention. Lately he has not been answering her messages since we decided to not date exes. but she is sending hearts now and then or saying "just here to send love not to seek attention" I find it all wierd and my gut feeling is off.
What do you get from this? And does anyone have similar experience?
@oliveClementine4979
You need to trust your own instincts.
And your partner stating you need to be open minded doesn't have to refer to letting him date someone you don't feel comfortable with.
This arrangement has to work for both of you.
I wouldn't let him guilt you into doing anything you don't wish to.
You might have to be prepared to walk away 💙
@oliveClementine4979
For a situation to work both partners need to agree. if this person is sending weird or overly friend ly messages it is giving an ick vibe. I think any date your partner has should respect your position and not think it is an opening to try to steal them away.
@oliveClementine4979
Your partner sounds toxic, and is forcing you into something you don't want. Polyamory is a mutual decision, and if your partner is the only one agreeing/forcing you to agree then that isn't mutual consent whatsoever. I hope you find a partner who respects your wishes, and doesn't get mad at you for setting boundaries in the relationship, you deserve better than someone openly cheating on you.
I've had a toxic relationship before (not exactly like this one), and this sounds like a toxic relationship. I know it's hard to build the courage for this, but I'd say that staying in this relationship will only further hurt you and you should break it off for your own sake.
(sorry if any of this sounds rude)