Parents and disabled needs adult child relationship causing stress on both parties

Story 2 two different "spoon rules" for visiting people 

The above story reminder me of a similar story.  My Dad and I both are on the ASD spectrum.   It just seems that there seems to be two different spoon rules for when we're visiting people.  I might have spoons when I get there to talk to people whether its to my parents' friends,  "Daisy" and "Banning",  or to my cousins or a/uncles who might be at a family reunion.  But if its gets to be about 7 or 8pm and we had supper and dessert-my spoons are basically used up and I get ants in my pants and I want to leave soon but my parents don't want to leave until Dad wants to leave. And I get even more grumpier if we are miles away from home because I literally been without a computer for most of the day so that I try not to explode at the dinner table so I have to leave the table before that happens. 

The last time we had a family reunion at Uncle Jake's place Aunt Maria, Mom's and Jake's only sister, left first and I asked Mom if we would be leaving soon but Mom said a "few more mins" because she wanted to look more at a the only year book her family had of the Foreign  School in another country that they lived in for most of Mom's life.  I had kept my temper in check most of the time-but I had a meltdown in front of Uncle Jack, Aunt Daisy (his wife), and the same age cousin- Ruby (not actual names) because I was so tired of being there already*   I can't leave on my own because there's next to no public transit up there and Dad's the one who drives me and Mom up there so he's my only way back home.  

*And what made my meltdown worse is that my sister basically had to tell those three I was having a meltdown which was technically none of their business.

Late in January my sister was having a car battery problem so Dad had to go in w/ Mom to try to fix Luna's car battery problem and Mom said depending on the conditions where Luna is that Dad would want to be on the road about 3pm because he would be loosing his spoons. 

So its kind of unfair when I run out of spoons-I'm stuck there until Mom/Dad are ready to get ready to leave but if Dad starts to run out of spoons they can just up and leave instead. 

Additional notes:  I especially don' believe  my parents would understood why I would want to ask Aunt Maria if her car wasn't full of a cousin, Uncle G (her husband) and Grandpa,  if I could get a ride to at least the nearest train station to Uncle Jake's or to the train station near their house because I know there is one

The only thing that might prevent me from doing that because regardless of the train station being near Uncle Jack's place or Aunt Maria's place would be I don't know when I got into Toto's Union Station if I would need to change trains to get back to Willow. 

In late Sept on a Thursday -Dad and I had to help my friend Grace get to a hair appointment and also had to go to several stores to get the grocery shopping done. We normally leave at about 8am but because of Grace's appointment we were doing it at about 10am racing around the stores. 

After Grace's hair appointment I got her back on the bus back to Achilles and I then went to the library to wait until 4pm for a restaurant which no longer exists now to order some supper which I took home.  So except for a little cheese snack at Tim Horton's near Grace's hair dresser in Willow -I hadn't had anything to eat since about 9:30am not counting maybe some little snacks at Costco.    I got home sometime after 5pm.

So while I was in a hurry to get into the pool we had a discussion about the plan for the dishwasher was.  The plan before I went into the pool was after I had supper  was that I only had to EMPTY the dishwasher and when Mom got back from choir practice  she would RELOAD the dishwasher.   

After I got out of the pool and got my supper ready- I empty the dishwasher just as I finished the last bit of it. Dad DEMANDED that I "cleared out the *bacon* sink because "I" (he) want to make more applesauce"  and when I told him I wasn't suppose to be doing that/ didn't want to do the *bacon* job tonight he 1)called me Lazy, and 2)said "he would do it himself"  but knowing him, he never puts thing in the right place in the dishwasher.    So I was basically bullied into doing the job instead.  

So after I was done I sarcastically said "the dishwasher's filled you majesty" and Dad gave me a bunch of B.S.  about "How little you do around you don't seem to know much about team work".   I am the one who doesn't know "much about team work"  from my POV its Dad who doesn't seem to understand how team work works. 

I mean did Dad REALLY have to make applesauce at 7-8pm at night when the previous night he hadn't done it until like 9pm?

I mean I had been up since 9:15am, and I didn't get to be at my computer at all until about 8:30pm, and I hadn't been on my computer for 21 hours (ie: Wednesday night at 11:30pm)- and I had literally been on my feet for majority of the day except for the half-hour wait at library and because of Dad's bullying I had to wait even longer to be at my computer.   And I had to get to the computer before 11:30pm because if I miss one day of "brain training" activity  my streak goes out the window basically. 

And what's worse is when Mom got home from the choir practice she took Dad's side instead of my side, because she had already promised she would reload the dishwasher when she got home. 

Which I don't think is very fair because except for making I think a cake (might have been cookies)-she got to sit on her behind most of that day when I was on my feet racing from one place to the next all day except for a half-hour wait time at library.   

I get really annoyed with my Dad a lot of time when he tries to be "helpful" after I have microwave chill by handwashing both the top and bottom of the cup grater he gave me years ago.    It just I have routines to do and the bottom of the cup grater DOES NOT NEED TO BE HANDWASH it can go straight into the *bacon* dishwasher once I have unloaded the dishwasher!  Its only the actually grater part that needs to be *bacon* handwash.   But it seems almost EVERY SINGLE TIME I USE THE CUP GRATER DAD TRIES TO BE HELPFUL AND WASH THE TOP AND BOTTOM OF THE CUP GRATER AND IT DRIVES ME MAD!

I can not put the cup part of the cup grater into the dishwasher at noon after I use it and have the microwave chili because at that point, the dishwasher is full of the previous day's clean dishes and depending on when i get fruit (1-2:45pm), the time I empty the dishwasher can vary.

It just it gets *bacon* annoying that Mom and I have to CONSTATNYL TELL DAD OFF FOR HANDWASHING THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE CUP GRATER. 

In Early Nov I was making supper a mac and cheese (I was still learning the process) for supper. I had started to make a "sauce" for the Mac and cheese.  And at the time I believed after I got the macaroni  boiled that I wasn't suppose to put the the hot pot back onto the back burner where I had been cooking the macaroni.   I wanted it to look like a home-made version of "Kraft Dinner"  but since I asked Dad for help,  he took over and basically ruined (in my view) of the cheese sauce I had so carefully made by putting the pot back on the back burner which to me at the time was a "no-no" 

 So I said "I needed more Queso" and Dad said "Its cheesy enough for me"  but what I meant was I want it more yellow.  But then Dad said I was arguing with him and told me to "do whatever I *** want"  and walked away so the only part of the Mac and cheese that got my carefully made sauce was the bottom half of the meal 

Background:

My parents don't really understand my relationship with food. If I don't eat food for a long time I get "hangry" like imagine those Snickers' Commercials with either Betty White or a man who is wearing Marylin Monroe's dress for a scene that never appears in the actual movie and when they eat the Snickers bar  they turn back into the guy, or Marilyn Monroe  aka "You aren't you when you're hungry" commercials

To me, I think the reason is that "I have a weird relationship with food" is because I believe one day that I wouldn't be able to afford cheese, or fruit (apple, bannas, grapes, or in summer watermelon) since despite my parents' belief  that my sister wouldn't mind being my careful-

I'm uncertain about it on the other hand about it because I have mixed messages about my sister being my caretaker.  Picture a cross of Lillo and Nani from Lillo and Stitch  mixed with Elsa and Anna from Frozen franchise.  But put Elsa's special powers into Anna and age Lilo up to 33 years old and age up Nani to about 40 years old. And you get a picture of my sister and my relationship.  But as Lillo and Stich puts it "Ohana means family.. and family means no one is left behind or forgotten".

But anyway.. at the time of the story I had 2 appointments one at 10:15 and one at 11am. So I had to get up at 8:30am and I wanted to have more then just OJ and a granola bar because when I get home past 11:45am I'm a raging bull who is literally seeing something red I'm that hungry.  It just when I'm hungry or "hangry" as one woman we meet on a trip said you do NOT want to get in the way between me and my food.

And anyway when Mom was at my 2 appointments with me- Dad was out shopping at Oliver's Costco while waiting and because of the way our house is set up- because of piles of stuff blocking the entrance to the living room the only way to get into the kitchen is through the passageway past the basement and when Dad has too much bags there-I either have to "play Twister" or wait for Dad to move the bags.  

One other thing -at the time I was recovering from a month ago fall I had the previous month. 

Story:

So I go to my appointments- a hearing test and then another appointment-my first with a "skin doctor" and all I had so far this morning was a granola bar and OJ.  While Mom and I are at my appointments- Dad is out at Costco buying some stuff.   

When we get I start getting my lunch ready but Mom makes me interrupt making my lunch and make me go change into junk clothes out of my good clothes I was wearing which means by the time I get back downstairs the ONLY entrance avaible to get to the *bacon* kitchen is blocked by Dad's 10 or more bags from Costco. 

And since I was so hangry I literally starting one of Dad and mine usual "yelling matches"  because I jus wanted to get to the kitchen counter to continue making my lunch.    If I could have had an alterative way of getting past- either through the living room or playing Twister the yelling match wouldn't have happened but since I couldn't and I also didn't want to wait until Dad was out of the way with the bags.

So after I eaten I go and talk to Mom in the bathroom or wherever she was at the time and Mom first said "Its not like I hadn't eaten at all today"  yeah but its not like I had CEREAL that day  either which might have made me a bit more fuller for the day until around 11am, then just a granola bar and OJ did.   And then a few mins later she said "You and your relationship with food is weird"  and then she complained  "you will want fruit in a short bit but then latter you wouldn't want to do exercise or force yourself to one Cubii"  On that day I didn't want to *bacon* exercise at all after getting up so *bacon* early when I normal stay in bed until 10 or 11am.  Not to mention as I mentioned earlier I was recovering from a fall on Dec 8th, and this was Jan 8th not that I was doing much exercise before the fall either.  

I wasn't planning on mentioning about this but since I briefly mentioned this in the above story I might as well talk about it.

Background before I get into the stories (not that there's a lot of them)

In certain situations I get anxious for some unknown reason or other. But now I know its probably is because we technically don't have a back up plan for what would happen to me, if something was to "happen to Mom and Dad".   My parents especially my Dad,  claims that "Luna is just fine being my caregiver" if something was to happen.  I never have heard this from my sister's mouth yet because we never actually talked about it as family ie sat down at the table and discuss this.  

Because I don't want a situation to what happened to Grandpa -Mom's dad (With the difference being that Mom has 3 siblings and I only have the one).

Grandpa's situation was when I was kid, Mom would constantly be looking around for potential apartments in town for Grandpa and Grandma to move into because when they got to be in their 80s and 90s Mom was going to become their Power of Attorney. 

 In 2010,  after Uncle "S", and his Aunt Maria  got back to Canada for good (or not good now) that Mom  and some other people had a talk with Uncle S about them becoming the grandparents' POA  but less then 2 years later in 2012 Grandpa start having problems and ever since then it seems that the other Aunt Maria- Mom's,  Uncle Jake's and Uncle S's sister has ended up as Grandpa's POA instead and she had already been the POA for her in-laws. 

If she doesn't mind, I would like to see how that would look like or what that would "entail" so to speak.  Since I have a few questions to ask:

1. Would Luna move back into the family home? 
2. Would Luna encourage me to be by myself in doctor's offices?*
3. What kind of arrangements would there be in the event for me if she would continuing to do catering while being my caretaker  and she has to be away for at least one or more nights for either a March Break Camp, or a summer camp? 
4.  any other questions I can think of like "would she allow me to go into Toto on my own?

I'm also have mixed feelings of my sister looking after me.  Until recently, I never really had a close relationship with her despite having some  things in common-always loved dogs, loved horses (but haven't ridden on one since I was 3 years old but that was a pony), and we both seem to love to cook- (something i learned later in life then her).  But I think the only reason we didn't have a close relationship until recently are mostly:

1. She was 7 almost 8 when I was born

2. As I said in another thread- due to our parents not wanting to fight battles with me, it left Luna to do the actual job of parenting me when our parents should have done that - so that I'm kind of got mad at her a lot whenever I argue with my parents about how they made me a spoiled brat and they claim they didn't that "I made myself that way"

One last background thing before I get into the stories  there's a certain type of parents, who like to leave their children someplace (bookstore, restaurant, toy store) that's NOT a daycare where they expect the Staff of the place to be their baby-sitters where they do anything from maybe getting a hair cut at the other end of the mall or 20 miles away or whatever. I call these types of parents "Cuckoo parents" because they remind me of the Cuckoo birds in a sense.

Story 1:

In Summer of 1999 Mom and Dad were planning a trip to Paris, France and London, UK. The plan was for our maternal grandparents to come down to look after Luna (who was 17 at the time) and I (9 years old) while Mom and Dad were out.  Somehow either Aunt Daisy our aunt-by-marriage either forgot about that, or was basically a spoiled brat (I think the Beaches in Toto area is like the "rich zone" but i can't remember) and dropped off our cousins Ember and Ruby (same age as me) at the same grandparents' place in  their town.  I think because Grandma didn't want to say "no" to Aunt Daisy (who i know consider one of those Cuckoo parents I mentioned)-that she decided she and Grandpa wasn't going to come down anymore to watch Luna and I. 

So it meant a last-minute  unsuccessful search for an alterative guardian for Luna and I when the parents were gone.  Dad's mom didn't want to do it, (not surprising, because now, I believe that she was probably still grieving the suddenly loss of her husband), and Aunt Maria 1  and her husband were going camping with Uncle S and his Aunt Maria so they're out as well.   

So it left them the only choice of 17 year old Luna being the main caregiver for me when the parents were away with our then neighbour "Jade" that looking in on us occasionally.

Most of what I remember from that experience is a lot of fights basically about the only 2 good things I can remember 

1.  I got to go to my first and only circus the "Cirque Du Solei" and when there I had my first and only cotton candy.
2. At least once I went to the family apartment of my sister's friend and I saw some kind of (for me) unusual reptile they had as a pet.  I  can't remember what kind of reptile it was. Might have been a bearded dragon but I can't remember

But on the other hand other times  she and I gotten along just fine. 

Mini stories:

One time I think it was the summer of 2001 - I had just gotten introduced somehow to Slurpees (the convivence store on the corner near our local grocery store used to be 7-11 but now its not. I wish 7-11 would retake over the convivence store again instead of the crap one there now) - and in maybe late July or early August Luna  had taken mom out to the grocery store and for some reason Luna got me a Slurpee and I got to drink it in the pool (because that was where I was when she and Mom got back)

another mini-story:

The following May (May 2002) - I came home and found Mom and Dad weren't at home and Luna was there (she had been at Post-secondary school her first or 2nd year)- and she told me 1)there was a Slurpee in the fridge for me and that  she and I would have Pizza for supper that night.

After supper we went to the nearby park to the playground back when the playground wasn't a plastic mess it is now, but instead it was the more "dangerous" (as some people would call it) playground that a kid could get injured on.   One of the slides there was your traditional slide had a cover that looked like the kind you would see on Praire Wagons in the past and  when I was sitting on the slide about to go down  Luna said "I see (my name) in a cover wagon".    Afterwards, we went back home and I sat on our porch swing while Luna did stuff in the garden until it got dark/Mom and Dad came home. 

Another mini-story

There was the one time that both Mom nor Dad couldn't take me I think it was May as well- to my children's hospital's appointment so Luna had to take me  and I remember afterwards that she and I went to the Egan centre (not actual name) and back then the Disney Store was on the 2nd floor, and was in a big store and at the time there was some kind of Princess  Castle.   And then we went to Union Station and got Ice Cream from a restaurant that was similar to her name before coming home on the train. 

Mini stories:

At least 3 times Luna took me to see movies.  The one movie was Madagascar movie but the other two movies were horse related movies and afterwards we went to supper.  I don't remember where we at either time but I think the first time was at a Pizza place.    

And another time my sister took me to Jack Astor's  and told me to "get myself desert"  and because I was over 18 now I liked Marshmallows something I didn't like before I was 18.

Last min-story

One summer  either 2016, 2017  I was going to go to one of my program's summer picnics and for some reason Luna was up (after I got up) -never really thought of why she was up- and she said offered to do my hair.  And I took her up on that offer.

My thoughts:

It took me a long time (either late 2022, or mid 2023) to realize that Luna might never have apologized in words, for the fights we have had (look at thread in Relationship stress)-but she has done so with actions like  movies and restaurants.  I do something similar when I can by buying chocolate as like an "apology gift" or something. 

Concluison:

I would really like to have this fears/worries just be dealt away with but when Luna isn't here for very long when she visits we never have a chance to sit down as a family to talk about it-like at Christmas she was here on the Thursday before Christmas but had to leave after supper on Christmas day.    And I would actually like to here about it from Luna herself and I would also like my parents to make an alterative back-up plan to the Luna back-up plan  in case she "does" mind, or she gets fed up with being my caretaker

I think its one of the reasons I so badly want to date and have children so I can have alterative support when I'm older without the need for my sister to be that support like Aunt Maria is for Grandpa.

On Jan the 25th  I was in a super bad mood because of Dad changing the way I got home that day after the OG plan of Dad dropping me off and picking me up from church because I could only go in for the 3 weeks in a row on the Thursday do the weather and ground condtions

    Background:

     Due to the unusual weather we been had it was difficult for the last three weeks for me to go to work on Wednesday (cold, cold, Icy) so because of that it means I have to go to work (Volunteer job at my church) on Thursdays -so Dad would drop me off at the church on the way back after grocery shopping  but unless I need to go someplace like Taco Bell  or its icy out he will NOT pick me up. 

 So it means I have to walk home and I HATE wearing my winter boots, to the point i call them "Frakenboots"  (in honour of the boots, the actor  Boris Karloff had to wear for the role of Frankenstein's monster).   

If there's no snow on the ground to help me move my boots along its like trying to walk on Venus or something and between chasing Dad around 5 stores+ walking home it's like the equivalent of doing 5 Cubiis (exercise machine) in the Frankenstein boots  means I don't do any exercise on Thursdays. 

Story:

Because Wednesday was going to be icy this week -I was going to be going to work for the 3rd week in a row on Thursday instead after Dad and I did the shopping.   On Wednesday night the plan was  (because we still assumed it would be icy on Thursday) that Dad would both dropped me and picked me up from the church after I was done.   

 Now because Thursday ended up being mild instead, Dad told me on the way back to Willow that I could "just walk home" from the church because there was no ice on the side walk- but there were plenty of slush messes through.     

And because he had told me so late in the morning  about "waking home from church" because it's mild   I didn't have a scarf with me so I was super cold even with my two coats zipped up to my neck on my walk home and at points in the walk were kind of icy,  I would have preferred to have skipped the walk entirely and just been able to ride  home- especially when you consider the fact that 1)he had to use my No Frill's Token I found during the summer for a shopping cart 2) He had to use one of my coins for another  shopping cart  and 3)I had to lend him money to pay for the only grocery item we got at Asian store.   Granted for Number 2 and 3 -I only had to do that because Dad forgot his Cash wallet at home.    

But still its kind of rude of Dad to change the plan so late in the morning? 

Background:

As long as I can remember I have always used a vintage Tupperware cup for whatever the first-meal-of-the-day I have (aka Thursdays breakfast rest of the week  lunch).  I have always used the Yellow cups for my OJ and up until sometime recently   Mom used the Orange Tupperware cup-  but once it started going rotten- she stopped using it.  What she  been using recently  instead is using some other kind of cups.    After her small experience with being sick with Covid in 2022- she now only drinks half a cup of OJ.   

I'm not sure if I like other people drinking from my cups or not -I know I don't like people using "my"  lunch plate except for Mom.   And also Dad has a habbit of not paying attention to ANYTHING in the house that doesn't concern him (like the kind of OJ cups people use,  or who isn't here ,etc). 

Story:

Since Thursday is shopping day so I get up on Thursdays and go downstairs to have breakfast- either cereal or Oatmeal +toast with PB +orange juice and Coffee everything Dad had already prepared or set up before I get downstairs or in the process of getting it ready.   

Now if we skip forward to lunch on Thursday-I went to get my lunch ready and I found that my Orange Juice  cup was once again in the Fridge filled to the brim with OJ.  So to me, if someone has filled my cup to the brim again  with something like Orange Juice,  especially around lunch time  my reasonable assumption is to assume, that I'm suppose to drink a 2nd cup  of OJ for lunch.  

A couple of hours later I'm emptying the dishwasher talking to Mom and I mentioned about the 2nd drink of OJ and Dad got mad saying "You drank that? It was suppose to be for Mom!"   And I'm like "um it was in MY OJ cup?!"   and also "Mom hasn't had a full cup for over an entire year now!" 

  if he wanted it to be for Mom put it in  HER Orange juice cup not MINE!   He's acting like I meant the unreasonable assumption of drinking OJ again when it was in MY Orange Juice cup- but since that's just the fact it was MY cup he put OJ in again and put it in the fridge.    

My Dad's one of those people who would "never buy anything even for himself"  in other words he's a cheap stake.  Due to my country/province's dairy products being expensive  Mom or i have to buy cheese bricks/blocks when they go mildly on sale.  Because there's no point in ever asking Dad to buy cheese anymore for over 2 years.   

At the time I was  going to be on my last block of "spicy cheese" (ie: Monterey jack, and Mexican Festival) in the next couple of days ( there was no more in the Fridge only Mom's bricks/blocks.  So when Dad and I happened to end up at the most local grocery store ("Fresh") in our town,  I wanted to check to see if the spicy cheese was on sale (it was).     

I got home after doing the grocery shopping with the local grocery store (not a planned part of the shopping today) and I told Mom about the Fresh store having the cheese on sale.  She asked me if I brought any.  I reminded her I was with Dad, and when I'm w/ him,  he wouldn't let me buy such stuff vs if I was by myself like if I had stopped in there on my way home from work yesterday I could have brought some.

Later  before  I had my fruit and Mom has her lunch-  I asked Dad a hypothetical question of "If I was with him and cheese blocks were on sale at "Fresh" would I be able to buy them?"  And we had a huge fight about it the same fight which is why I didn't bother to bring it to his **** attention at "Fresh" in the first place.   

Like he doubts it was actually even "on sale" despite what a sign says because sometimes the signs can be giant rip-offs.   Mom then asked me why i had bothered asking Dad then (about the cheese blocks when Mom can get them on Weekend-probably Sunday) -

I just wanted to know for future reference.     And also why the *** did Mom ask me if I brought any when she knew I was with Dad in the first place?!!

Last story for now until some other piece of B.S. happens with Dad

Dad's not thrilled about me rejoining a Writer's group in Oliver: 

I once joined a writer's group in Oliver in August 2019. It's actually called something else but I'm calling it a writer's group for simplicity.    I told Mom I was thinking about at the end of the month (Feb 29th) of going to the Writer's group again.   

The other day I mentioned to Dad about my potential plans to go to the Writer's group in Oliver and Dad's not exactly thrilled with the prospective because of the fact the business that the group meets in  is in a 'bad neighbourhood" .    

As far as I can tell from (other chatroom) -most of us writers (and the 2 I actually meet in-person) in the group are women and they had been meeting for some time even pre-Covid in the same location. I would think if the  neighbourhood was so bad- they would have tried to find a different location.

As Mom said-I'm not going to be standing outside smoking or anything-at the most getting in and out of at least a car.  

My Thoughts:

I think its not so much the writing part it just I miss a sense of community outside of the church ever since bowling closed down first because of Covid and then for good in 2022 to the point they gave people back their money.  I need to find some sense of community outside of my church.