Possible controlling partner??
Hi
I am new to this and really wanted to get some outside options. It's great to see an online community exists!
Ill try and be as brief as possible.
I've been with my partner for 3 years, I am male, 32 no children she is 42, one grown up son and we don't currently live together.
On the whole we share many interests, can get along pretty well, share exclusive in jokes, spend a lot of time together and generally do a lot together.
I started to feel like there were issues however pretty early on. In a nutshell I believe my partner tends to blow up over small things, has extremely strong options (which sometime quite frighten me in their intensity) and can be very bossy/controlling? I read about differentiation which I strongly relate to in regards to our relationship. I also find she has really bad double standards which are difficult to ignore as she has such high standards herself.
She would often go silent on me and I'd have no clue what was happening only to find it was because I'd not messaged back quick enough or somethinf of a similar scale. This became a big issue and I would find myself on eggshells, constantly worries she be upset with something I'd done and I was bassicly anxious a lot.
Whenever we discuss anything we almost always end up in a blowout. I am 100% a diplomatic person who has never had communication issues with anyone to this degree. She will raise her voice, shout, swear and also not let me say my bit or cut the conversation off, especially if I've ever pointed out any of her wrongdoings.
I feel like I appease her as I'm probably not too boundaried myself and can be vulnerable which I understand is mayb the issue here? I'm not saying she is a tyrant all the time or anything and it's not just me who sees this it's even her own family.
So... I have this friend of 20 years who doesn't like her. He's a self confessed alcoholic and can be immature but he's still my friend. He's part of my wider social circle and once in a while he's a good luagh to be around.
He for some reason thought it was a great idea to leave a bit of an underhand comment on one of her Facebook posts (trivial maybe I know) which was a bit of a dig suggesting she was the devil (but not in direct words). I pulled him up and defended her and told him to apologise which he did (to me).
My partner suggested he apologise to her and oversaw some communication with him where I indicated this (I felt a little uncomfortable as I knew he is harmless but still did feel I should defend her. I'm just naturally quite forgiving)
He didn't directly apologise to her, which led to her refusing to allow me to see him or be near him. I had spoken to after a while which caused her to end the relationship as she felt I'd betrayed her. We quickly got back and a basically cut myself off from him (alienating me from other friends as a result as I would miss birthdays, christMas gatherings etc if he was there)
He finally apologised after a while and my partner agreed for me to see him again. When it came down to it, she backtracked saying if I saw him it was ok for her to see people who might threaten our relationship and it went back to her boundary of not seeing my friend.
I was not ok with this at all.
Now, my best friend of also around 20 years has asked me to be best man. The said offending friend is invited to the reception (the groom has also k own him 20 years and doesn't want to choose) but my partner isn't to either. The reception was only a decent addition after the couple decided to invite another 15 people each. Other partners aren't invited including the brides sisters, all her best friends partners etc. Covid restrictions also played a part and they are only having 30 for the day. I know it was painstaking for them to finalise a list. They aren't good friends with my partner and she recently deleted them both from Facebook (again trivial I know) after she split up with me briefly over another disagreement.
my partner was furious to find she wasn't invited and when she discovered the offending friend was she told me I need to leave after speeches and meal when he arrives or we are done. She says me being with him would be a betrayal (this is now 2 years on from the Facebook comment) and she's can't allow her boundary to be violated.
Can anyone give me a balanced solution? I really would hate to leave early as best man and my friend has been like a brother to me.
Thanks guys
Sorry just to add I've written this on my phone with an iffy keypad so apologies.
Id also like to point out our relationship isn't always bad, but this isn't the first time I've been given ultimatums. I feel like my freedom of choice has been taken away even though I get she is probably mad at me for not being as hard as I should on my friend at the start.
I understand her feelings on the wedding too but he is my best friend. I just want to enjoy one night (I never go out like this with friends anymore incase the offending friend is there or because my partner has been a bit weird about me doing stuff in the past)
Thanks again
Russ
I feel like I have been in your shoes in some ways. I don't think u can give you advice. I do know I try to live my life without regrets as life is too short. And you can ask for forgiveness instead of permission in this case. You have proven to be a loyal upstanding gentleman and it's your best friends wedding. Go to the wedding. Have a blast. If she doesn't talk to you again then it's not meant to be. You know you didn't do anything malicious. She does sound controlling and manipulative. A mutually loving relationship is not build on ultimatum. Again...im all for no regrets .
@tealMaple4898
Thank you for your support.
I feel this is a case of me betraying myself and what I really want to do or leaping into the unknown with her. As I've stated below she basically wants me to leave early when the other friends arrives but I'm best man!
She is adamant it's about being a good partner to her but in my gut, it feels so controlling. For her to accept his apology and then go back on it didn't feel right. Almost like she didn't want him to. Plus I never agreed to her boundary. I mean, can you just set boundaries like that? I understand 'never physically abuse me' or 'never put our children in danger' as boundaries but is this one right? I would half understand if he still hadn't apologised but he did. It was the way she was saying 'I think you should go and sort it out now then' and came across supportive but when it came to physically seeing him she backtracked and said if I go she has the right to spend time with people deemed disrespectful to me. I.e I a guy she slept with just before we got together, ex boyfriends etc.
All my friends were saying it was blackmail which I agree. I didn't even care that much about being friends with him again, I just wanted freedom of movement in my social group. I've been having to ask if he's out on said night or get my friend to message me when he's left at Christmas gatherings so I can finally go and see everyone. Plus the group he drinks with includes two old friends who have done nothing wrong; I never really see them now.
She is adamant it's about sticking by her. I'm not sure even think it was bad enough to hold on to this long in the first place?
Russ
No its about control. Your own boundaries are important. They are important in a relationship. Having outside friends is important to your own mental well being. I know that feeling of isolation well at this point. They will always insist they are a good partner. Part of what he uses on me is "look how much I've done for you, would anyone else do that?" And then proceeds to point out how all my friends are garbage and they don't do enough for me. Its not healthy. Its very toxic behavior. And the backtracking is not the same thing. Your not hanging out with an ex. This is your friend who made you his best man. They will stretch things to get their way and keep you in their line. My boyfriend has done the same thing with my family. My mom. My sister. Her friends started planning her Bachelorette and want to go away for 4 days, when I told him he freaked out and said "ok well guess I can go away with whoever for 4 days then." Sure, Go. But don't do it out of spite. Its extremely draining dealing with someone like that. Having to pick and choose a side. Life isn't thay black and white. Choosing sides is a high-school thing. Its a "your either with me or against me" mentality. And its childish. My 36 year old and your 42 year old girlfriend, you figure by now some things would grow out. You hold on for good times in-between the bad ones. If I may ask, she has a grown son as you mentioned. Did her previous relationship/marriage end because the othe person cheated? Im finding thats were a lot of the need for control over things tends to stem from. Previous relationship baggage they tend to take out on you. Anyway I'm here if you ever want to chat Russ. I've appreciated you sharing as its so very similar to mine. You're not alone.
@Troubledways
Again really appreciate the support. Her first relationship was turbulent so it sounds, he cheated yes and left her with her son. Although I think he had actually cheated with his previous girlfriend for my partner also?
I know relationships before had been quite turbulent. Her last ex had left and then become abusive. Apparently because she didn't love him anymore. Her ex before me was a lot younger, she always spoke highly of him but says he was very jealous and didn't like her seeing her male friends. In the end he had basically said it was him or them ironically so she asked for space and he left... weirdly he had gotten back in contact with her since we split over a week ago. I always thought he was really the one for her in a lot of ways.
Im not budging on the wedding. Although she felt everyone had turned rank on her and inviting my friend she hates was a move against her, my friend (groom) explained he didn't want to exclude him and that's fair enough. We are all adults and if she can't allow me to have one night for my best friend as his best man I just can't continue. I've never cheated on her or anyone ever for that matter, I buy her gifts a lot, I ring her every morning and ask how she's feeling, I spend most days with her, I take her away once a week, I tell her I love her often (even though she very rarely told me) I literally try and meet her every need but it just seems in vein. She doesn't seem to like if anything else takes the slightest bit of precedence, even as a mentioned before, my job.
I think she expects me to back down. This was always her strictest rule that I never see that friend and she expected me to do the same for this wedding.I understand it may be slightly hurtful to be excluded but she has caused a lot of issues in the group, burning bridges etc.
It sounds very similar indeed to your situation. I think the most important thing is you listen to your gut feeling and maintain respect for yourself. Nobody has the right to control you or tel you who to see! And your mum and sister? That's way too close to home for him to be calling. Also with friends they are your friends for a reason not his. I always hated when my partner would call out my friends. I was always my own person not an extension of them! It was like she was always trying to put them down in some way.
Again I appreciate the support. Do you see yourself making any changes yourself? It is very hard when things are this way.
Russ
I'm at wits end. I've been told to leave for many reasons but its hard. I have two step children and I've spent 3 years building a relationship with them. As a child from a broken home myself its not easy to just pick up and go without it affecting them. But I'm extremely fed up and exhausted. I get the same sort of response to saying I love you or trying to be affectionate. There's more than a few ways hes been controlling. Don't have control over my finances doesn't make it easy to leave either. I mentioned counseling to him last night. His response was "if we can't figure it out ourselves this is already over." I think maybe if you can get her on board with it, it might be something for you both to consider as well if your planning on staying. In my case I dont think he will. But you never know until you mention it. Don't budge on your friends wedding. Stand your ground. If she ends things on this ultimatum she created..I think you know which of the two will be there for you after. Sometimes there's no reasoning with them. Their either right, or your against them... relationships shouldn't have to pick a side. Its compromise and discussion and trust. None of which seem to be a thing in your case which is truly sad for her. She will continue to have this issue with all future relationships, same as mine.
@Troubledways
Nobody should have control over your finances! Although saying that I can't speak as my partner had a bit too much of a say in my business. In fact she was going to come in 50/50.
The only thing I can say which I regret from that is trust had been an issue a few times. I had lied about seeing a friend once. My partner told me is was bad that when we argued bad I used to go and see a friend rather than go to her and sort it out. Sometimes I just needed space. I began to see this as a wrong action after it upset her a lot and one time I really wanted to talk to someone and did go. When we made up she said I bet you went out and I said I hadn't. I do regret this. There was another time I'd told somone I'd been having issues, an old friend who had been knocking around. He was a bit prone to being a bit a lurker around woman actually. I didn't think of it this way but when she found out she said if he contacts me now to flirt it's because of you as I'd shown as chink in our armour.
I teally didn't feel it was that way at all. I think I just wanted to reach out to somone. I'm absolutely not advocating it but I would sometimes feel it was difficult to mention things right away or at times when it would cause her to blow up. It might take me a few days to tell her I'd been invited on a night out or that I was going to play football or something. I don't know when things became that way, I never used to do that.
I always told her right away if any women contacted me though. Somone from my past etc. I didn't hide anything big from her like that.
Russ
No when the reaction to you telling the truth is far worse than what actually happened, the reaction itself winds up being what we are afraid of. And because you can't talk to your partner rationally it only winds up fueling the need to have someone else to talk to. When you do talk to someone else and they hear about the reactions and you realize this isn't how normal people respond to things with there partners, its an immediate red flag. I have the same difficulties trying to tell my partner things. But it usually only gets worse once he does find out (he's got a habit of checking my phone...first relationship EVER where someone did that to me) and it boils down to lack of trust. Despite what you may or may not have done. I've never cheated but because he has had that issue it, its something he continues with me. The control, the communication the reactions. You could be the best boyfriend you can be, but unless its EXACTLY what she wants, its going to be an issue. And until you can communicate properly without fear of how she will react...the yearning to talk to others and express yourself and reach out won't end. Hence why I'm here as well.
@Troubledways
Checking my phone would be going too far... I can't actually believe people do that. Although she did always ask 'who's that' when I got a message.
Im just thinking back and realising how much she called out my friends actually. Funnily enough it only seemed to be the groom of this wedding she liked. Whereas all her friends or people from her area were 'saints'. She had cut off a lot of her friends actually, she used to just say she had high standards. It's weird because she would mostly cut people off if they didn't contact her back very quickly, but one her male friends she joked about how long it took him to reply, sometimes a month, and never cut him out. I'm never suggesting anything it was just weird, it was like her ultimate pet hate but this guy seemed to have immunity!!
I seemed to get on well with her older sister. It was weird, in my presence she used to make positive comments about me and also say things like 'you need a medal!' for being with her. She had made a few comments in private. They used to fall out because she said that her sister always made her the villian and me the victim. It infuriated her. She would also be supportive of me and seem genuinely interested in my business and hobbies. She would say 'don't worry, I'll support you'. Most of the time when I heard what she said during their conversations, I used to wonder if she could just see what was going on. She would get really angry and say things like 'I'm done with her' and that she was a bitch. I'm not sure she would always validate my partners viewpoints.
It concerned me the most when her father pulled me aside, as I said in my first post, to warn me to stand up to her. I had never spoken to him about it so he must have known when they saw her angry or she came round and we'd split what was going on from previous relationships and general understanding of her?
I still feel I've been 'forced' to split with her. I feel happy to not have the anxiety and also feel very free now (still just doing simple things!) but obviously miss certain aspects. It's a bit of a Jeckyll and Hyde. I think I could just never see it for what was really going on, I always took what she said as gospel as any input from me would be seen as a challenge or invalidation and cause an argument.
What other sorts of behaviours can you describe in your relationship? Can you describe what would happen if you had a different opinion to your partner or clashed over anything?
Russ
I feel like I've dealt with a lot of the same controlling issues with my boyfriend. My sister is getting married, I'm a bridesmaid and I'm not even sure I can go to her Bachelorette... also HE isn't invited and I haven't found the courage to tell him as I'm terrified of his reaction... This lady sounds no good. And take it from someone who is in the same boat. Its not easy to leave. You want to keep trying. You want to wait it out after this situation and hope it gets better...until its something else and you still can't put your words in without being rejected or yelled at. Your feelings completely ignored or told are invalid. I can't tell you to leave as I havent left mine either. I can just say I understand and I hope you attend your wedding and be the best man possible despite what backlash may happen. 20 years is a long time to know someone. Don't let yourself be isolated. Everyone makes mistakes. I lost my best friend of 15 years because she didn't like him.. I said she was wrong at the time. She was not. If your friend doesn't like her..there is probably a really good reason behind that. There is a reason she isn't invited. And he's probably right. Just like my sister and my friend are right. It's hard. It's super hard.
@Troubledways
Thank you for your support. Just to clarify she says I can go but must leave when the other friend arrives or we are finished. She says this is a boundary but I say an ultimatum.
We are currently finished (for a week) as I said I can't keep living my life like this and I dont want to leave early. To which she basically said it's me or them and ended it. We are still talking (and arguing) and she has sent me a few guilt messages about always wanting us to be together and all that we've done together which makes me sad. I'm not saying this isn't genuine but surely she can see the position I'm in?
If she will end things over this I'm worried for the future. And it's no the first ultimatum I've been given.
Thanks
Russ
@Troubledways
Aldo I'd like to add I hope you can sort out your sitatuion. It's not good to feel this way. I feel you do have to think of yourself sometimes. I think you can get used to how a relationship works but know deep down large aspects of it are wrong. This is the harder part as I guess you love the person but can resent them at the same time.
I think if you want something in life however big or small, if it's within reason, your partner should support it. I'm not sure I've been slightly brainwashed to think your partner comes first before anything without any doubt or reason. It's important to be able to make your own choices and put forward your own views.
It does sound similar to my situation. I often feel everything is about how she feels and we act as a unit based on that. An example would be when I did some work for a local guy and he started messaging me often trying to build a friendship. I was fine with it, thinking he was just lonely as he looked after an autistic son. He sent me an inappropriate meme which again I brushed off but my partner pretty much bullied me into reporting him to the police as a stalker and I blocked him on all platforms. I wasn't ok doing this and stated I wanted to handle it myself, I personally did not feel threatened one bit, the guy was just a bit odd is all, and also an ex policeman.
Again the term differentiation comes in here.
I appreciate any support and am also happy to try and give mine. I've never joined a group like this but am finding external opinions and advice really eye opening.
russ
Its a controlling/isolation tactic. Its a garbage feeling. Not going out because your afraid how your partner will react. Go enjoy yourself. You deserve more than this.
Sometimes ppl know that they are selfish n often act like dysfunctional adults deliberately but u know wat...that is not even our problem...u need to set boundaries f ur own n let them know that u will not be browbeaten into participating in a power struggle in the guise f a relationship. I don't mean to offend u but it seems like ur partner is someone who just does not care what u think/how u feel. I just feel so bad fr u...tk cr...
@KindnessPretiosus
Thank you for your support. And I don't mind you saying that, it's basically what I've always felt. It's been over a week now I've been out of it. She won't budge on the wedding and has sent me a few heart string pulling messages but I've said I need to have some self respect and make a choice for myself for once.
I don't want to live under that boundary forever. It's not what I agreed to, I always wanted to sort things out between them.
I think the very fact she's said it's leave after the meal and speeches or we are done because he will be going is enough for me. Originally it was because two of the other partners were invited to the evening do but not her (like I said, even the brides best friends partners aren't invited) but then it became about that.
I just can't believe she's held the grudge that long. She tried to convince me I could get my friends to hold exclusive gatherings without him, but they weren't keen on excluding him and taking sides. They said well invite both of you to be fair. She didn't quite understand there could never be two thirtieth birthdays or two Christmas's, or two weddings..... it just wouldn't work he would usually be there as integeral group member (our group is quite large, all old school friends).
Thanks again. Sorry I feel I can waffle on a bit but it helps to talk!
Russ
It's okay...I "waffle on" as well...lol
This is classic behaviors in emotional and relationship abuse. Your friend is right, she is The Devil. End it now, you will be happier. You are too young to keep being controlled and manipulated
Well....another relationship bit by the "Blame All Others For The Mistakes My Ex Made" bug.
:::sets Raid fogger down::::
