Pregnant with BF problems
So this is a hard thing for me to write about. Realistically I’ve never used this app but am looking for someone to give advice or talk to who has gone through something similar who isn’t emotionally involved in my life. Therapy is too expensive lol So. I’ll try to make this as short as I can but to start things off I am 3 months pregnant with my first child. I am in a new relationship (5 months) with a man I truly love. But as time goes one I kept finding problems with him I never noticed before. First off I found out he was an alcoholic (he was sober right when we met) I’ve dated people with drinking problems, I thought this would be something we could work out easily but then I started noticing he would do really dumb stuff while drunk. He wouldn’t come home till late or try to go buy weed from friends late at night (and I wouldn’t know where he was, we would always argue about where he was etc) Anyways we needed up coming to the conclusion that he needed to quit. So he would go a week with out and then go on bender. THEN I find out that he has a personality disorder (which makes total sense because of how he acted so different when sober) THEN I find out that he had been speaking to his ex Gf. Now I have a friend who is my ex but I had a bad feeling about this girl because he told me when we first started dating that she wasent someone to be trusted and that she would try to sleep with him. So he started hiding their conversations and I kept catching him (never anything sexual but I still didn’t like it) THEN I find out he left to see her while I was at work. He was drunk and smoked with her at a park and that was it. So i started to pay attention to his phone more and one night while he was drunk I saw his messages with other women asking them for nudes and talking nasty with them (females that he knows) and like these girls see that we are together on fb and most know that I am pregnant so I’m like wtf??? Once I found this out and we went through all the bullshit, he admitted to me that he has a ego problem and is a sex addict. He claims that when he drinks he looks for woman to validate his feelings and will ask them for pictures and talk dirty FOR FUN, to make him feel bigger I guess. He also was a previous drug addict (heroin and coke) and claimed to be sober. Well he admitted to me that he did coke twice and heroin with his ex Gf I was worried about in the beginning of our relationship. No look I know this is all DEF grounds to leave someone. But hear me out. This is a man who came from a really bad background. Father left him, drug addict mother. Family that gave up on him while he was a full addict etc. he tells me he wants to be sober and is active in trying. He’s going to AA meetings, taking his meds. He’s trying, and duh it kills me everytime I realize that he cheated on me twice in real life (kissed his ex and got a drunk blowjob from a random girl he use to messs with) and numerous times over social media. But if someone has problems and is aware and wants to change for you how do you blame them? He is an alcoholic/kindof ex drug addict/ sex addict with personality disorder… When he’s sober everything is great, he doesn’t fuck anything up, he doesn’t reach out to females, we are amazing, he’s supportive and loving etc. It’s only once the bottle hits that he does ANY of this bad stuff. So really I’m looking for advice. Maybe talk to someone who has gone through something similar? Please be nice and positive Thanks loves
While I have never been in your shoes, I do understand that trust is hard to give. I'm the sort who can't just forget about something. It lingers in my mind and with my anxiety, I get paranoid. If he truly is trying, then let time prove it. People are capable of changing, so give him a chance. But, don't be a doormat either, if you feel as if he's reverted back to acting the way he did before, you have every right to leave. Your mental health and happiness matter. I hope this helps.
Thank you for the kind words. He is working on it and has told me himself if he fails to leave him. Being a mother alone is definitely a scary thing, but I won’t be a doormat. My kid will be number 1!
@tattootribute13
So perhaps the pathway to better behavior has a lot to do with his recovery support system, which at the moment isn't working properly according to what you've written. There are several alarming situations that you've put forth, and the bravery to write all of that down, likely also gave you some perspective on how bad the situation is and how bad it could become, especially after you give birth to your new child.
Clearly, your child is going to be important to you as he/she should - but, that also means putting your child in a healthy environment to grow, and those early years where the child looks to adults (his/her parents) as role models are vital to establishing good habits, good structure, and a stable home foundation are absolutely LIFE LONG connections well into adulthood.
The hard part of what you'll have to decide is ... "What kind of environment and role models do I want for my child?" The answer to this question is critical because, if your child becomes a witness (and they are VERY perceptive) to what you've written above, well - that could be absolutely destructive for a child, that could potentially cause a lifetime of psychological harm. Don't just take my word for it, there are studies that point out what I've stated.
There are many ways, other than AA, that can help your man onto a path to sobriety. He has to want to change bad enough and come to a new level of maturity that sticks, without sliding back into his "bad boy" ways, because now that he has a son or daughter on the way, that past life is over. He has a new responsibility. Is he up to the task? I don't know.
No matter what happens though, you're ultimately responsible for your child's development and influences. So, I have no doubt that you'll always do what is in the best interests of your child and it sounds from your post that you're already of that mindset.
What concerns me though, is him. Clearly. Years ago, there weren't a lot of options for someone that is trying to quit drugs and alcohol addiction, but today there are many options available, and not all of them are expensive. You cannot fix this man, but you can support him and hope that he realizes how his behavior impacts others around him, and how it may impact his newborn child. He may come to terms with the ways in which he's treated you, and decide that it's up to him to be the man that he wasn't afforded when he was growing up. Either way, just remember that regardless of his past childhood, his addictions, and personality issues - he is ultimately responsible for his choices, and those choices do come with consequences - good or bad.
Hopefully, he will realize that his actions and choices matter a great deal, to himself and everyone around him.
There is a concept around change, which I have found to be true.
"Change is hard for most people. However, for someone to make a significant life change - they have to want it badly enough because they see the harm it causes others around them, but also for themselves to become a better person. The pain of staying the same has to be GREATER than the fear of the change itself. For lasting change, there has to be a commitment to oneself."
Keep in mind that in my experience, the birth of a new child is NOT enough to change behaviors permanently. It may temporarily, but there must be a strong support system around him, not hanging out with the same people that encourage his bad behaviors, and a pathway for him to live better while making good choices.
I wish you well in this endeavor - and hope that everything works out for you, baby, and your man... for your sake and theirs.
