Renewal of Vows Ceremony?

@RamblingInOrbit

His anger and frustration are because he feels strongly that he likely believes that he solved that issue by hiring the photographer, on a limited budget, since he asked you what it would take to put that situation to rest. A lot of men are natural Mr. Fix-It, thus you presented a problem, he opted to fix it permanently. Yet, it didn't. This situation has to do with communication styles and the manner in which the both of you resolve your differences - at the core of your relationship.

There is an obvious disconnect in understanding between you, where your perception is that the vows and ceremony matter a great deal for you. This is very common with a lot of women since from a young age, I've known a lot of women who plan out their future wedding and have long-term fantasies of what that may potentially include, experience, etc. For him, he already has the grand prize - you, which he does not place the same importance on the vows and ceremony since he doesn't understand the point or significance the way that you do.

The fighting about this issue has gone on so long that now it's built up some potential resentment between you. If he's contemplating or fearing that you're going to leave, there are obviously other issues between you as well that give him that perception. I'd then wonder what other core issues you both share in this relationship because it seems that vows and ceremony aren't going to fix things between you, and if anything has created a wedge. The vows and ceremony is supposed to bring both of you together, not more distance.

In order for most men to feel good about renewing vows and committing to the effort it takes to put a small ceremony together, he needs to feel secure and clear about the direction of your marriage, and how you both feel about one another. If there are issues or resentment, then those issues should be addressed first. He seems to want you happy, but at the same time, he isn't sure where that line is drawn - doesn't seem to understand that happiness is a continuous process and not due to the actions of a single situation or thing. I believe that is a hardship faced by a lot of couples, unfortunately.

Instead of your current approach, try explaining to him WHY the vows and ceremony matter so much to you, then help plan some of the ceremonies and do some of the lift to make it a reality. This is something that you both can do together as a team. Set a date, invite friends if you wish, and make it a reality. Letting him know that you'll help him with 50% of the effort to make this happen, may reduce the stress he perceives about the event itself because perhaps he may feel that putting this together is all on him and 100% of his effort required - which can be overwhelming. That is a lot of stress to absorb if he believes that and gives resistance. He may also want some sort of a guarantee, that once this is done it's done because it's obvious that he wants to move forward, but perhaps he doesn't see how the renewal of vows and ceremony may potentially benefit him (other than getting you to stop nagging him about it) - which is likely his perception. Therefore, try to focus on the benefits that your relationship may have as a result of the renewal.

You don't have to let it go, yet changing your communication style with him, addressing underlying issues, and providing him nearly an instruction manual on how to help you feel the contentment is going to provide you a much better pathway to success than your current methods. If you build the bridge, he may walk across with you.