Should I even try?
My gf/Wife have been together for 7/3 years respectively and separated last June to work on the marriage and then announced she wants a divorce in Aug. I accepted it, hoping to still have a chance later and cut off communication with her but only limited due to our/her daughter.
Long story short, she has reached a few times with text for little things: can we go chat about our daughter, can I get the spare bed if I am not using it because her back is hurting, Happy Fathers Day, can I submit some medical bills if our health insurance hasn't changed... little texts that I don't think means too much and I haven't texted her at all but to reply. I know that it takes 1 year of being separated before divorce can be filed and that 1 year mark was June and I haven't heard anything.
Her family doesn't where she is at in all this and whats going thru her head. The only silver lining I heard from her sister is that my wife misses and wishes we could talk like before. I heard that and in my head, thought it would be a chance to start a date and build again but might be only wishful thinking in my part. I am conflicted in what I want and scared at the same time.
@zander
If you could do it ALL over again, what would you do differently? What would you have liked to change about her, and about yourself? Why didn’t it work out this time? Why do you think a second attempt at the marriage might work out differently in the future?
What will you regret if this is the end of the marriage? If you didn’t attempt to salvage this marriage and went through with the divorce, is it a decision that you feel you could live with?
@CatzInTheCradle
I didn't work out because we had different views of raising her daughter and the way I was raised, there wasn't much love growing up so I was never exposed to that (Chinese family). In the last year, I have made many changes to become more affectionate, loving and to show that love, which my daughter has seen, felt and even calls me dad now.
Divorce is something I never want to go thru being a christian and she felt the same way too, it being religious sin... which I could never understand the direction she is taking since she grew up with religion and I only found it when I met her. I wouldn't be able to live with it but would have to accept it.
if I could do it all over again, I be more flexible in things (again, Chinese family so we were brought up strict and by the book). I would be passionate and affectionate with my wife and show her more love in ways that she understands, which is still foreign to me. Same goes for my daughter, so that both girls receive it.
@zander
That .. to me is something beautiful ~!
Growing up in an Asian culture can be so difficult. They definitely have such a strong focus on discipline, academic excellence, ambition and success. The parenting is about obedience and respect. In their hearts they want what all parents want for their children - to see their children live better lives then they did, to not have to know suffering and hardship. That kind of upbringing definitely impacts the way we express and understand love as children, and later as adults. Sometimes it leads us to be more repressed, our voices more inhibited.
Sometimes things need to fall apart so that better things can come together. The separation gave you time to re-evaluate yourself and your marriage. It gave you time to realise how you could have been a better partner, to be more affectionate, how you might have done things differently. It allowed you to appreciate your partner’s point of view.
Look deep within yourself. Look past all of the shackles of culture and pride that have bound you in the past, that binds you even now and causes you to falter with indecision. That is not the whole of who you are. If you do nothing, you will lose your marriage to your indecision. Right now the universe brought you to this moment, where you can re-invent yourself, and possibly reinvigorate your marriage. This moment right now where you can love the way you want to love and be loved.
Sometimes, what is needed to transform a situation, is simply our decision and fierce commitment to change the situation! Love courageously! Tell your partner that you want to try again, that you will make an effort to do things differently, that you will promise to be more flexible. Find your voice! Now more than ever is the time to speak from your heart. Even if in the end she doesn’t want to give your marriage another chance, do you really think you will be satisfied if you let it go without doing everything you can to fight for it?
@CatzInTheCradle
I understand. A small part of me is holding back cuz of pride, knowing that if she wanted us back, she would reach out first. I dont know if her texting me these little things here and there for stuff/info counts as reaching out.
The other part is fear. We have broken a couple of times in the past before marriage. The break was usually a few months and we find our way back, can't remember how and who reached out but I do remember she was the one to always break up. I’m afraid that this time, its been too long and too much has happened; the unknowing is holding me back.
She sounds just as confused as you are by her actions.
i don’t know how old you are but I would say if you got in the relationship young she’s wanting to feel some freedom she never had when she was younger/in her youth. Or even if you didn’t get together younger, was she always involved with someone in a young age?
it sounds like she realizes the marriage has benefits, not just insurance and financial benefits, but also having that closeness with you and she’s doesn’t know if she wants to keep it and have you and all that comes with you, your love etc, or let it go and feel a freedom , the desire for freedom that is perhaps spurred on by her pride.
Also you said she was religious all her life: maybe she’s burnt out having a bit of a crisis wanting to feel what it’s like without abiding by the book completely. You value it more because it wasn’t forced upon you as a kid and you chose it for yourself.
why don’t you try talking to her with those answers you gave to the above Reply? Say you wish you could do things over and show her love in the ways she deserves and understands, that you don’t want to divorce if you don’t have to, but that she can’t drag you along like this
@heatlightning
I want to but I just don't know how. I know I have pride holding me back too and want to put it aside to try and take that chance but we haven't spoken/text in so long, I don't even know how to start. Also scared of her answer and who she may or may not be now. I just don't know how or where to start.
And also she had her daughter at 26, we started dating when she was 29 and me 38 in 2012 and got married in 2019.
For me, marriage is important which is why we waited until she knew she was sure; I already knew I wanted to marry her. She waited until 2018 and then said she is ready.
It’s no telling without asking her but maybe she felt she had to decide already or she’d lose you. If the child is not yours but you cared for her daughter she could’ve felt you were a vital part of the child’s life and that factored into marrying. Not that she didn’t love you but now she is feeling she could’ve handled it and lived single and had fun for longer
Pride gets in the way of a lot of things but sometimes it can be for the best. You have to figure out if you can live without ever knowing that (or at least not for the reasonable future)
@heatlightning
its hard for me to start bc I have always been off on my timing of everything. I see little things that I take as signs but worried that its me misinterpreting it wrong.
her texting me once in awhile for things, fathers day wish, her sister saying that she misses our talks... and of course not getting the divorce papers are positives for me but again, I can be reading this wrong and its only wishful thinking.
I know and feel that if we get the chance to try, things would be so different than the way it was last year before we separated and would be better. just dont know how to get there and how to start.
I swallowed my pride and asked her out. she said yes. I was very surprised. I asked her to dinner and pool but she countered with brunch something else on Sunday.
what I am having a problem with is why? I don't want to think too much into it but when I sent the text, she answered almost immediately, smiley emoji and all. what I don't understand is why say yes to the man you want to divorce. why haven't the papers been filed in June and for me to sign?
her brother told me that she came to him and even asked if I would fight her on the divorce last week and he said, why would he... you wanted this and he already accepted it... why would he fight it and he has nothing to gain. Then she said: is it because he is seeing someone and thats why it doesn't matter anymore to him?
all these things are confusing. I know I still don't want a divorce. I asked her family if theres a chance for us to reconcile and they said they have no idea since they say even my wife doesn't even know what she wants. from the sounds of it, she has been dating and the last guy turned out to not be good. my brother basically said "you leave your husband who loves you and you end up with guys like this and then you complain about it." everyone makes no sense unless I am not seeing something.
@zander
Thats great news! Pride be damned! Treat it like a date. Wear something nice. Bring her flowers and a gift for her, and her daughter. Show her affection, and tell her how you feel. Tell her you missed her. Smile and be happy! Don’t dwell on all your fears and doubts. You said you would do things differently if you had a chance to do it all over again- Well this is your chance right now! Stop ‘thinking’ and start DOING. Every moment is the right moment! Fight for what you want.
We are all rooting for you!
Sorry I didn’t see your response to my reply and this sooner. I’m really glad you texted her and swallowed your pride. That way you can’t say your pride kept you from ever knowing.
She sounds just really confused. like she’s trying to tough it out and do the independent woman thing but in reality knows the best man she has ever had may slip right through her fingers. She’s afraid to let that completely go I’d guess. She probably knows there’s a chance she’ll meet another love one day but that it’s a risk she might not meet anyone who loves her and she loves in the way you guys love each other. It’s not fair of her to play with your emotions and confuse you but at the same time she must know you love her and that you will fight for her (as you are: you still want the marriage, still love her and see her value through this confusion she’s putting you through) I don’t blame you for that; one day you all may very well be reconciled and she will look back at what a fool she was for even thinking about leaving and be thankful she has a husband who saw her worth and their marriage’s worth even then. She will probably hope her child grows up to find a partner of that same caliber. So I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you waiting for her to determine what she wants as you’ve been doing as hopefully she’ll see how much you really care for her.
if she’s been dating but not filing the divorce papers she’s probably waiting to see if she comes across anyone worthwhile; it sounds like no dice. she’s having bad luck and is realizing finding a good man is not as easy as it seems. That she has what many people want and almost has let it go. Hopefully she realizes and you two can talk about things. I take it this Sunday coming up you all will meet? if so feel free to write back with how it goes.
speak from your heart, not out of pride. You two love each other regardless even if she’s confused she still has love for you or the divorce papers most likely would’ve been filed.
wishing you the best when you two see each other
Super agree with the above reply too. Show her the man you wished you had been before or that you knew you could be but never showed. Now is your chance! No need to act fake or guarded you have nothing to lose and only her to gain. Super wishing you luck and the best for you this weekend. Keep the faith
Well, the weekend went ok. I had setup a sushi picnic for us some place she hasn't been to. We ate, we chatted about our daughter. laughed and all but didnt talk about the relationship at all. she did ask why I asked her out and I didnt have an answer but threw it back asking why she accepted. she said she wanted to talk about our daughter.
I still dont know what is really going on with her. the day after, I sent her a text just saying 'I miss you' and haven't heard back.
her sister told me that during the separation, she kept asking her if I was seeing someone so I guess she was curious about me.
me and her daughter are good and she knows how much her daughter loves me, which was an issue before. I just dont know how to get her to try again.
I think it’s over. I tried to initiate a few texts and got a few replies a day later. The one where I said I missed her, she came back with “It was really nice seeing you on the weekend. And then just changed it to saying how much I mean to her daughter. I knew she was going on a trip and I even wished a safe travels.
her sister told me they spoke and wife is going thru with the divorce. Nothing has been done yet cuz she had to use the money for her home renovation and need to save again. We still health insurance plans together, she still has mail coming here and we still have a joint account. 16 months separated now and I still don’t want to divorce.
I’m getting tired. I just want to write her a letter saying I want to stay together and leave it with her.
Can anyone even understand how she thinks? she just left on a yoga retreat to Mex for a week and going on another trip when she gets back. From what I understand, she wend to NY, Florida, DR, Cuba, Colombia and now Mex and another since we separated. All these trips, renovations of her place and our daughters new private school this sept along with uniform, which she was complaining about how much its going to cost.
All this and she wants a divorce. if the divorce was really that important, everyone says that she could've just borrowed the money or put it on CC, just to get it over with.
I have nothing to lose to now, so I wrote her a letter saying that I want us to stay together, how much I miss her and love. will leave it in a care package for when she gets home.
I heard from family that she misses all the ways I used to try to get her back when we broke up in the past. This time around, I accepted the divorce, said I love her and said my door is always open.... this was last aug.... and then I stopped talking, no pursuing no nothing. maybe I did wrong by not trying. Thats why I am putting it all out there now because I have nothing to lose but I pray that this may help.
Also, the yoga retreat is in Mex, the first vacation we took together and first time we both ever went to mex. I just hope that it may spark something in her and remind her of us. I really want to just try and rekindle something, make a romantic connection again and re-attract her.
I dont understand my wife and I dont understand divorce.
I even looked up the process of divorce here in ON and even after you separate for 1 year, you can file for divorce. but the entire process can still take up to 4-6 months. so technically, she could start on June 1 but nothing has happened. She says tells people she is going forward with the divorce but hasn't made any effort in it. For someone so adamant on divorcing last year, seems very slow now.
So I wrote her a letter saying how much I love her and want us to stay together.... I guess an accountability letter. put it in a bag with some chocolates and had her sister leave it in her house for her to find when when arrives home from Mex.
I pray now and hope its not too late.
