Should I move on, or wait for him?
I am in love with my best friend.
I met him (I'll call him David) over a year ago at work. The two of us instantly connected, and we became very close friends very quickly. Now, I am a person who does not develop friendships or relationships quickly, it takes me a very long time before I fully start opening up to people. With him, it happened really fast. Within four months we already considered each other best friends. What definitely helped is the fact that we spend four to five days together at work. We have a really easy connection with each other: we joke around, we tell each other literally everything. He is definitely a type of person I could see myself settling down with.
Naturally, the two of us developed romantic feelings for each other. Now, he has a girlfriend he has been together with for over two years. The first time me and David hung around after work was in April. Nothing happened, but his girlfriend got mad and the two of them stopped communicating and seeing each other for months. During the summer we spent a lot of time together, and a couple of times something happened between us. We kissed, and we did some sexual stuff, but we didn't have sex. Naturally, we laughed it off and joked about it, nothing more.
In the beginning of September I told him I'm in love with him. He told me that while he did have feelings for me, his feelings have faded (he had depression in summer). On some level they are there, but he gave excuses like 'I deserve better' and so on. We have talked about it a lot, and at some point he admitted to me that he only said that so that I wouldn't wait for me and would move on with my life. I asked him if his 'no' is a 100% 'no', but he said that there is always hope that he will change his mind whereas I told him that I won't give up on him.
We are still extremely close with each other, and our relationship hasn't suffered at all because of our confessions. I haven't had the guts to ask him if his feelings for me are there on some level, and I am not sure if I should do that even though I want to. I really feel as if he is my person, something close to a soulmate. A part of me is telling me to move on and find someone else, but I can't. For some reason there is a part of me that is literally 100% sure that one day he will realize that we would be good together in a relationship; I have no doubt about it. But I have no clue what I should do right now.
That sounds like a tough situation, but I'm glad the two of you continue to connect and maintain a friendship. Thank you for sharing with us today.
Don't wait, move on.
Moving on does not necessarily mean that you are no longer open to him. It means that you life your live by being present, by living from within your heart.
Try mindfulness when the two of you are apart and he is on your mind.
Take care.
If he's still technically in a relationship, then I've got unpleasant news for you, hun.. You're wasting your time. If he cheated on his partner to be with you (instead of making it a clean break), he will likely cheat on you too. I wouldn't trust this person as far as I could throw him. Attachment can cloud our judgment and make us see problematic people as "perfect soulmates" for us, sorry 😞 I apologize if this comes across as harsh but I've dealt with wishy washy secretive men before and I was the one who needed to hear it phrased cut and dry like this to burst my bubble. Whenever a partner tells you that "you deserve better," believe them.
Funny, I was in a very similar situation to you. I can even relate having a hard time developing friendship and relationships, I’m also like that. Then suddenly you develop feelings for someone at work.
Unfortunately, the guy I liked just couldn’t be truthful. In the end, he was never honest with me and now I see he had some narcissistic tendencies. I too would tell myself that he opened up to me more, that he gave me more attention or he seemed worried about me. There were moments I was positive he had a girl but didn’t want to to tell me or admit it because he didn’t want to hurt me.
Honestly, someone that doesn’t want to hurt you is HONEST with you. No matter what! I was honest with him, I told him how I felt and he couldn’t look me in the eyes and say that he liked me as a friend. He preferred to go on about how we worked together, didn’t know each other, and that he didn’t want me to feel led on because he joked around with everyone to THEN say he always found me cute and that he wanted to hang out but felt I would say no. We went from agreeing to go on a date to not going on a date because he looked uncertain. The worst is that he continued to give confusing signs after we spoke and today I see that he liked the LIKING I gave him but just didn’t want anything to do with me.
I know how you feel, it’s a pull toward this person and maybe (I can only speak for me) a deep hurt that he rejected you, that you weren’t enough and why weren’t you a enough. You invested time, your feelings and effort, heck you might even have compromised and done things you don’t agree with to be with him and he couldn’t do one little thing. I didn’t hook up with my guy, after our talk and even after a fight we had (we made up though) I believed we were friends and that we would continue to be in each other’s lives even if we left the job.
Now I see that the best thing I did was leave that job. Leave him. Leave the confusion. Because he was going to keep me in that cycle of “uncertainty” and “option” forever. Walk away. You deserve better, you deserve someone that gives you a pure love. A love that isn’t hard, that you don’t have to fight for, a love that you don’t have to question. He’s shown you who he is and what he wants; I can tell you that he was never honest with you. He didn’t care for your feelings or for his GF feelings, he enjoyed the excitement of being WANTED. Move on. Even if that means finding a new job. Move on and don’t look back.