Walking Away Before Flooding
My husband is getting upset because he will tell me I'm acting like I'm flooded and I will then angrily walk away to take space so I don't yell or say mean things. He is asking me to let him know if I'm going to take space, where I'm going to take space, and for how long I will need space before I go, then wait for acknowledgment and answer any other questions he may have. I am feeling way too emotionally flooded to do all that. So I told him I would let him know as soon as I suspect that I'm getting flooded and then take my leave. During this conversation I felt the beginnings of it, because he was asking "isnt that a reasonable and adult expectation?" TBH, no, I don't think it is reasonable and adult to expect someone who is upset to go through a checklist and make sure the other person is reassured prior to taking the time to calm down. When I complied he got angry. I suspect he feels i took this time as a way to get "revenge" rather than because I needed it. I don't know how to address this and we don't see our therapist until next week Tuesday.
@RamblingInOrbit
John Gottman runs the Gottman Institute, and in his decades of research has been able to make observations that have come true the majority of the time when it comes to diagnosis for couple's issues. In fact, he has had a very high success rate in making determinations on which couples would likely divorce and those that became lifelong partners just by observing how they spoke to one another.
It's very clear from your posting, that couple communication is clearly an issue for both of you and it's a core issue, not a symptom. This means average conversation, but more importantly, the ways in which you interact, resolve your differences and handle conflict. The method in which you both communicate and address each of these has a huge factor on marital happiness and longevity.
Flooded, may be the result of resentment. When issues between you arise, and there are no resolutions or compromises, those issues continue to fester and thus end up baking into a cement known as resentment. In fact, flooding becomes far easier and quicker, with more resentment between you. There may be other signs of trouble, such as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Perhaps it's time to take inventory and look at the things that are working between you versus not. Then, examine which of those are classified as symptoms versus core issues. Next, develop an action plan for the both of you to work on together, and include your therapist. If I had any good suggestions, I'd say that working with your therapist to build better communication skills is a huge first priority, because, without your ability to talk with one another without those issues getting in the way, you'll find the end of this relationship much faster than either of you might realize.
I'd also take inventory of any of the items that have been causing resentment, and some of them may not be obvious - so, working with your therapist to examine those areas might also be very useful. Resentment is hard as cement in marriages and relationships in general, hard to chip away, but it can be done.
Take a look at the Four Horsemen link I put above, and watch the video - take stock of any of those that are present in your marriage and act accordingly.
Other than taking an inventory, remember that anything discovered likely requires an action plan for how you both will address it as a team. ...and you are a team.
Best of luck to the two of you.
Thanks. We have a therapist who specializes in Gottmans techniques. So far, though, we don't seem to be making headway. Our strengths are our Love Maps and, according to the quiz, trust. However, we have both repeatedly acknowledged we do not trust one another to behave in a loving manner. When we tried to boost our fondness and admiration we hit a road block where he would challenge any kind words/act I did, asking why I would do this when I previously made clear that I resent him. He called me fake and said he wouldn't accept fake affection. When he then later asks me why I don't show him much affection I explain it is because he won't accept it. Then he says it's because it's fake, why can't I just be genuine? So we go in a circle. We are 4 sessions in and seem to be going nowhere.
@RamblingInOrbit
The therapist is there to be a buffer but to guide to an extent, but not there to fix your problems. She/He is there to give you both a safe space to open up and learn how to communicate with each other and for some couples it takes more than four sessions. In reality, and depending on how long you've been married, may take longer - but also a personal commitment from each of you that you genuinely want things to get better between you.
I speak to a lot of couples, especially older, and I always ask them one thing. Majority have been together, 20+ 30+ years.
"What is it that has kept you together so long?"
They always answer, not knowing the other couple's responses, two things:
1. We learned how to resolve our differences and communicate (including picking/choosing our battles)
2. We were always friends under it all, no matter what.
Something to ponder, as you go through your journey together.