What is wrong with me?

I'm going through marriage issues with my husband. I'm also bipolar, depressed, and very high anxiety. Been through the ringer more than anyone would care for. Been physically mentally and emotionally abused way before my husband came around. Staying out of the home til I can talk to my husband without getting ready in case of a fight or if he starts drinking again. Hung out with a buddy of mine whom is also married to my other buddy. My male buddy and i spent time on two different weekends just hanging out out of town. We refused to sleep in a hotel room in the same bed and we both paid. From hearsay, apparently we were followed even though we told both of our significant others what we planned on doing. Now, my two buddies are getting a divorce and my husband is confusing the hell out of me. He's never really talked to my female friend without me there and now that we are having issues, he's been talking to her more to the point the mother called him about the huge fight my buddies had. Am I a horrible person? Am I suppose to just deal with my issues alone while my husband continues to empty threat divorce when we fight? Do I have to pick a side with my friends? Am I in the wrong for being suspicious when my husband asks to do stuff with me when it was out of the question before? What is wrong with me that I feel everything going on is my fault and I should just sew my mouth shut and lock my emotions away?