Where to go from here?
Sorry for the long one but here it goes.. Over 2 weeks ago my partner and I both proposed to each other. For once in my life I’m in a good spot so I have the ability to plan my future. Everything felt just right until I saw something I shouldn’t have and it all blew up. It wasn’t cheating ‘exactly’, but definitely not okay by any means.
Since then my trust is broken and I feel extremely paranoid there’s something else I don’t know about. I hate feeling like this though because with this guy I’ve almost always felt secure, while with my daughter’s father always found a way to cheat. My obvious prior trauma has now taken the driver’s seat so now I’m micro analyzing everything he does and losing my mind.
After a week break I went back and he apologized profusely, but because we’ve been moving him into my place he pretty much told me my feelings weren’t a priority and I needed to put them on the back burner even though I’ve supported him through so much these past 6 months. He hasn’t really done anything to make me feel like I can trust him again and this all hurts. All we’ve been doing is packing then fighting in between sleep.
I have a therapy session booked for the 28th but that was the soonest I could get in, I’m feeling very self destructive right now like I want to lash out and hurt him back though I know it won’t accomplish anything. I’ve tried burying myself in hobbies and exercise to stop obsessing but it’s not helping. Up until he was a great partner but the whole foundation of our relationship is gone and I’m wondering if this was the right choice…
I am sorry you are having a tough time ... the only thing positive is maybe if things were not right you did not go farther into the relationship.
Ah still in the relationship at the moment, I haven’t walked away quite yet. Waiting for therapy to get a feel of myself. Definitely wondering if I should stay or go at this point but we have integrated our family, each having a daughter from a past relationship, so it makes it that much harder to walk away 😅
What exactly was it you saw?
He had pictures of his ex wife on his phone. They weren’t new and there was another girl in the folder (all dated also), so that’s the only reason I stayed.
He claims he wasn’t looking at the ex, just the other girl who he claims to never had relations with, but I think it’s inexcusable not to delete the ones of the ex. It’s really frustrating because we are not lacking in the bedroom and I’m totally fine with letting him watch P normally, so the fact that he was using a girl he used to know to get off that happened to be in a folder full of his ex is just beyond me.
Normally he has given me no reason to worry, but it makes me wonder.
@LickingSaltLamps,
he has not given you any reasons to wonder. You are the one who does that. What is it that you don't trust?
You might want to consider relationship therapy. Contrary to beliefs, relationship therapy does not mean your relationship is not ok. It is a way to prevent relationships to go bad. By expressing mutual feelings, needs, boundaries. By connecting, by finding out what each of you can do to build a solid, warning, kind relationship. By understanding each other. Understanding not as in agreeing, but as in stepping in the shoes of the other and understand where the other is coming from.
People start doing relationship therapy too late to often. I'd advise it to anyone who is in a serious relationship. See it is a professional objective outsider who helps to create a solid bond.
I'd also ask myself whether you have trust issues. Demanding him to delete the pictures of his ex definitely is a no no, a great way to create distance and mutual mistrust. Please don't go there. Act out of love, not out of emotions.
@dukeofdearham I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself properly, I don’t know if age is monitored around here so I wasn’t very clear. They were all naked/explicit photos and they weren’t in a folder deep in his phone, it was open app when I checked and he was using it to pleasure himself. He’s totally allowed to have pictures of the mother of his child that are appropriate, I have some of my kid’s dad, but not those types anymore when you’re engaged to someone else.
I definitely have trust issues, but we both have access to each other’s phones. It happened to be that I picked it up to give it to him and peaked, which started this spiral. His ex (the one in question) also cheated on him so that’s why we have an open policy. It just makes me question what else might be going on.
I definitely agree on couples therapy! He is not willing to go just yet, he will go solo and I will do the same for now as therapy is foreign to him but not me. I’m hoping we can both get to a place where that is an option in the future to save this.
@LickingSaltLamps,
that doesn't feel right to me and I definitely agree he should not keep those kind of pictures let alone look at them.
I can totally understand demanding him to delete them, all of them, any backups he might have made, and delete them in such a way they cannot be recovered.
Tech has a way of getting small items to blow up on people.
I think people make too much of exes and even past acquaintances in photos and such ..... even old emails or texts long forgotten can show up and then it is a big deal i feel we need to let it go
If he had old photos in a physical album in the back of a closet would you insist they are destroyed .... if the answer is no then old photos on a phone in storage should not be a big deal.
Ah no he had the album open on his phone and was using naughty photos to get himself ‘there’. Trying to stay Pg-13 so my point may have been missed. These were all naked/inappropriate and I didn’t have to do any digging to find these unfortunately. It was the first thing open.
We both have each other’s passcodes, I picked up his phone and unfortunately it was down hill from there :(
@LickingSaltLamps
well yes that is a different experience i was referring in general as so MANY posts had people looking for things on each others phone.....
while I am sure it was / is upsetting i think alone time or picturing someone to get someone across the finish line is a normal thing....IMO I do not think "alone " time is a reflection or cheating on a partner but that is my opinion.
These may be leftover photos from long ago.......... but how would you feel if he used other visual aids like a lingerie ad or playboy type material ? is it only that these photos are of ex that bothers you?
