am i overreacting? advice please
im sorry this is going to be kind of long, i don't know how to summarize myself.
so, ive been talking to this person for about a year now. we met on a dating app and have been talking ever since. we hit it off pretty well and talked almost daily. it was harder to meet up due to covid and my nervousness, but we've seen eachother quite a few times. they told me they had deleted the dating app about a month after talking to me, i had done the same. we never made it "official" but said we would take things "day by day." we arent dating, but we were pretty exclusive. things were going pretty well and they had even mentioned how they wanted to make it "actually official" just a couple months in. we never got too into it and always just defaulted to keeping the exclusivity without the title.
maybe a month or two ago we decided to redownload the dating app to laugh and reread our old conversations. i saw that their profile had a new bio and several new pictures. i assumed they were changed during that 1 month period where they still had the app. i was fine with that because it had only been a little after we started talking and its not like we were exclusive immediately. i had noticed something odd tho. their bio said that they were vaccinated, and i know they didnt get vaccinated until march. i wasnt going to bring it up, but it was really getting under my skin. i told them i wasnt upset or angry and that it was okay if they were using it and that i would just like to know the truth. (this was a lie, i was pretty hurt but didnt want to upset them or cause too much of a conflict) for a little more context, we had already been talking for 6 months at this point, and had done some intimate stuff. im the type of person who takes that stuff seriously. opening up sexually is hard for me, and it involves a lot of trust and attachment. this was something they knew and i had communicated very well.
after i brought it up it was initially brushed off as something we should talk about later. i tried my best to act normal, but i couldnt shake that nasty feeling. when we did talk it out it was... very emotional. they are going through... a lot of personal problems and said that they got drunk, downloaded the app, and talked to a few people but that was it. they told me that they technically didnt break any rules and that i was kind of overreacting. i wasnt really sure how to feel and all i knew was that i was just... hurt. they kept telling me that if i wanted to leave i could and that im probably only staying because of all the stuff theyre going through. they just kept repeating that it was only a few people whose names they dont even remember and that nothing physical happened. when i was still trying to wrap my head around everything, they started talking about how they ruined everything. that im too good for them, that theyre such a mess up, and other stuff like that. i was still hurt and confused, but i wanted it all to stop so i just pulled back and agreed that i was overreacting.
its been a bit since then, and i just try to forget it but... sometimes that nasty feeling comes back. im just... not sure. i was too scared to voice how i really felt because things were already getting so emotional and crazy. i didnt want them to do anything drastic. i dont know how i should feel. was it okay for me to be upset? was it reasonable for me to assume we were exclusice 6 months in? should i just get over it? i really dont know :( someone please offer advice.
i apologize for any grammatical errors or misspellings.
@helios00 What you feel or expressed valid or not? Definitely valid.
Was it good idea to communicate and try to clarify? Definitely.
So you did nothing wrong on this, so please don't blame.
Maybe, they didn't do nothing wrong they just did what they told you only. But they didn't let you know that before you find out. So it comes back, it's only natural. If you both are serious, they need to reassure you.
And there is no easy way in relationship, you need to keep talking. Communication is they key.
Also, if you want to talk about this to a listener. Please feel free to find an active listener anytime. Have a good day❤
@helios00
Hi--that sounds really stressful and I'm sorry you've been going through that. 💜 Just going to summarize my understanding of your situation:
You're in a romantic relationship where you aren't officially "dating" but it's understood that that's basically what's happening. The guy you are with told you previously that he deleted the dating app a month after he started talking with you. But a couple months ago, when the two of you were looking at the dating app together to reminisce over old messages, you noticed some changes to his profile that showed he must have reinstalled the app and started using it after when he said he deleted it.
You felt hurt by this, asked him about it, and the resulting conversation was really emotional and involved him saying several different things:
- He downplayed the dating app conversations, saying that the people didn't mean anything to him and suggesting that you are overreacting
- He said he wasn't doing anything wrong by using the dating app since your relationship with him wasn't official or exclusive
- He said he was were going through a lot of personal problems at the time when he started using the dating app and it felt like a mistake
- He feels really messed up, like he's ruined everything with you and with other people because of his own personal problems, and like you're better than him and have no reason for being with him
You've avoided bringing it up again because it was such a tumultuous conversation and you were worried about how it would affect both of you, but you're still feeling hurt and upset about what happened.
***
A lot of his responses have been to either minimize what you're feeling (e.g. "it wasn't a big deal") or shift the focus to himself and trying to defend himself. I imagine maybe he feels really scared that acknowledging your feelings might result in a situation where you would be attacking him, claiming he's bad/wrong, tearing down his self-esteem, and hurting him a lot.
But... it's made it really hard for you to express your feelings and feel supported. You're really hurting and you feel like he's not hearing and understanding your feelings. You just want him to acknowledge that you're hurting and offer care/empathy/validation in response. (I'm reminded of something from Imago Therapy where the two partners just take turns listening to one another and being supportive without attacking one another.)
I'm not sure if I'm 100% comfortable saying that he's done something "wrong". It sounds like it was strongly implied that you are exclusive but it wasn't explicitly set in stone. I imagine you'd really want that to be something that is mutually agreed upon going forward though. I wonder if it might be worth communicating that with him and establishing it as a clear expectation (e.g. "I feel uncomfortable at the thought of you being with other people. If we're going to continue to have a relationship like we have been, I really need for us to be exclusive. That would help me feel safe, supported, and like I'm able to trust you. Would you be okay with that?")