can i get help editing my note to spouse
I wrote a thread before where i said my spouse wanted me to write a list of things i want...I felt that was disrespectful as i wanted items he had done in past ... i have fought this for awhile now see why NOT ......
i will write WHAT i would say then if any of you care to soften it up to make it not be hurtful every time i try to write I get angry about having to do this
many many ares to cover so bear with me
Romance:
1) do not assume what i want based on history as i often faked happiness ( for decades to not hurt your feelings ........
2) if you want to initiate sex poking my shoulder like you are behind me in line and you want me to move IS NOT a turn-on .... that also goes for petting my hair like a dog or clearing your throat I am NOT a mind reader......
3) i realize you have a short window of ability for sex ( ED issues) but i am NOT instantly turned on and ready to roll so u can have your full 13 seconds.....and when that happens i feel like a blow up doll and just used and want a instant shower ....
telling me .... "it is not u it is me" or "i still think you are attractive" ...... is NOT what i want to hear as i feel disgusted....
Everyday home things ......
1) garbage ........ you are allowed to take out also not just me ..... same goes for MANY household chores i can show you how to mow the lawn you wanted and i did not because i KNEW i had to water and mow
2)quit bowling in the fridge ...............because you can not get in there without knocking stuff on the floor and NO everything does not fit on top shelf in middle cause you are too fat to bend over.
(sticky mess is jam you broke and threw a napkin over let it mold cause i am NOT cleaning up after your bowling game )
3) put things back not just close enough ........ you cannot find things because you do not put things back ......... then CLAIM you put where it should be cause you dislike my organization.
4) if i ask for help i mean NOW ........not next weekend when it does not interrupt your video game or TV you have seen before
5) IF you insist on HELPING cook take off heat about 15 minutes before you think it is done not everything needs to be blackened. smoke detectors ARE NOT timers
6) want to help grocery shopping .... buying 10 days worth of meat and NO side dishes makes it hard to plan a meal
AS IT IS CLEAR i cannot write this as i lose my mind and anger spills out
some may think i wrote as a joke etc..... i did not
i wanted to nicely ask him to stop doing things that are driving me away ........ but as i went over things that have happened in last couple days the anger just flows even after i try to calm myself ( count to ten / take a walk) and NOT respond this way.
he used to be helpful.... respectful and treated me much much better .... now he says he does NOT know what he is doing wrong ......... he was a professional chef at one point but could not cook to save his life now ......... I think something is seriously wrong with him ........
his health is shot and he does need seriously to lose weight............ but i cannot seem to communicate in any form with out years of pent up hostility just falling out verbally........
@toughTiger6481
Would he be willing to see a therapist? Maybe couples therapy could help you communicate with less hostility. And maybe he's also got some mental health issues going on... he might benefit from individual therapy as well. Depression can do weird things to people.
@confusedRaven6140
I agree i think he need one on one therapy because couples at this point will be full contact event like a bad Jerry springer show
I see you did improve on my list and give me ways to soften the blow will seriously consider. Thank you
I have to say some of these cracked me up. "Smoke detectors are not timers" was great. 😂 But I've tried softening some of them somewhat. I think it's fine to show a little frustration, I mean you're willing to make the effort to write this list and try to work on things. He should be able to handle a bit of snark.
Hope this helps.
Romance:
1) do not assume what i want based on history. Maybe just ask me.
2) if you want to initiate sex poking my shoulder like you are behind me in line and you want me to move IS NOT a turn-on .... that also goes for petting my hair like a dog or clearing your throat I am NOT a mind reader......
3) i realize you have a short window of ability for sex ( ED issues) but i am NOT instantly turned on and ready to roll. It makes me feel like a blow up doll and just used and want a instant shower .... I have a right to feel loved and respected and sex is about my pleasure as well, not just yours. Some more foreplay would be great. There are other ways to be intimate besides just penetrative sex (this is my addition I guess bc I don't know what you do/don't like. But I'd just suggest things I would like. Whether that's toys or oral sex etc 🤷🏼♀️ ask for what you do want from sex and how he can make you feel loved and wanted even if he can't necessarily get an erection or maintain one or whatever).
telling me .... "it is not u it is me" or "i still think you are attractive" ...... is NOT what i want to hear.
Everyday home things ......
1) Household chores are not entirely my domain. You live here too, you can take out the trash and i can show you how to mow the lawn you wanted and i did not because i KNEW i had to water and mow. If you want I can make a rota of chores (idk if you wanna add this, but that would be an idea. Either have a rota or just have chores assigned. Maybe let him pick a few chores or you pick a few for him and those are his responsibility).
2) please be more careful when using the fridge. You're always knocking things in there and I'm fed up with cleaning the resulting mess. And if you do make a mess, please clean it properly. Don't just throw a napkin over it and let it mould. Also, please stop trying to stuff everything on the top shelves.
3) please put things back not just close enough ........ you cannot find things because you do not put things back ......... then CLAIM you put where it should be cause you dislike my organization.
4) if i ask for help i mean NOW ........not next weekend when it does not interrupt your video game or TV you have seen before
5) IF you insist on HELPING cook take off heat about 15 minutes before you think it is done not everything needs to be blackened. smoke detectors ARE NOT timers
6) want to help grocery shopping .... buying 10 days worth of meat and NO side dishes makes it hard to plan a meal. If you don't know what to buy, ask me. I can make a list.
so just a FOLLOW up
I wrote out note............. toned down a bit and he refused to read it........
he asked for it then did not want it....... read it to him had quite the fight about it .....
he is like a child went off to lick his wounds and might come home today after work with some of what i told him sinking in ........tired of this takes forever to communicate ...... but i am starting a new job soon and can just stay busy and treat him as a roommate.
@toughTiger6481
I'm sorry to hear :(
@toughTiger6481- like confusedRaven I couldn't help but laugh at how you manage to phrase the trials and tribulations of married life into such relatable humor. Honestly you have a gift of expressing yourself. Seriously, keep up with speaking your truth. I find that peppering the anger with unexpected phrases of appreciation - that are honest- sometimes helps diffuse domestic situations. I heard lately that it takes five spoken positives to temper one negative. Living with a partner or spouse is hard work, and no one prepares us for the task. Best of luck to you.
