An asexual (or just traumatized) still coping from an incident that happened months ago
My boyfriend broke my trust during sex one time. But I can't tell if I spurred it on because of my terrible communication skills, the mixed signals I give, or just the heat of the moment. I keep telling myself he wouldn't do anything out of pure malice, that his actions were just bad calls. He's trying his best to be with someone like me. And still, whenever I think about that day, it breaks something in me. The heartbreak of taking another contraceptive pill (I've taken at least four, all for the same person) just shattered me.
I was already apprehensive about sex. Now I’m completely turned off by it. I bury myself in porn. But I still force myself to be okay with having sex, because I keep telling myself I can't cling to the past. That I need to move on. That I shouldn't add more to my mental health plate. We've already talked about it. He apologized. It’s done and over with. So I should be okay with sex now. Right? Because I have to be. We're going to be living together soon. I need to be okay with sex.
We did have sex when we went on vacation. I remember enjoying it after the incident. But since then, nothing. I know it's because of me. On that trip, I felt more obligated to have sex with him, because we were sharing a hotel and a bed. That felt like a given. But now that we’re back in our own separate homes and lives, I dread the question, “So, what do you want to do?” It doesn’t always mean sex, but I can feel the hopefulness in it. And because I haven’t mentioned that day again because I’m still having sex with him it must not be a big deal, right?
Why do I constantly downplay myself?
Oh. Because no one has ever really cared. And it’s embarrassing to be the only one who does. So now, when people do care, I recoil. I cringe. I laugh at them and tell them to relax.
I think about self-harming. I wish I could drink these thoughts away. Or escape so hard into video games and porn that I forget I even have emotions.
I feel like I’ve been dissociating for years. It’s worse now. I don’t even know who I am half the time. And neither do my parts.
This is what I mean when I say I’m tired. Tired of living this way. Tired of fighting internal battles. Tired of mourning for change that never comes.
I think I’ve just gotten too comfortable being miserable. I wish everyone would leave me alone.
Then again, I’m taking the time to write this and proofread it. That must mean I don’t actually want to be alone. Right?
A cry for help before the apathy really sets in.
But I've been crying for so long. What's the point when I keep pushing people away?
@Smile4mepls
I think you may not be dealing with the real items bothering you. How did your partner feel about the 4 times pill thing. How did he provide support for you even if he did. Have you told him how you feel?
Maybe you want to rethink your plans about living together as if you are only having sex out of obligation it will get to point where you will hate even the thought. How do you really feel about the person who is ok with you doing something because you feel you have to ? Does he even notice or care? He should feel gross you only do things out of feeling obligation.
I have been there lost all respect and attraction for partner as he seemed oblivious to my needs or if I did not want to.... felt used and ill about it. That does not go away with a sad apology. Respect and trust has been broken and needs to be rebuilt ... after a certain time it cannot IMO.
@toughTiger6481
I've told him about sex and how I feel about it and he's accepted it. Said it was okay. So, I should be okay. I think I personally see sex as an obligation because I want to be a good girlfriend. I'm not doing my best in the emotional department for him or me, so I feel that I'm a complete failure. And it's mostly because I'm so emotional wired and depressed that the whole process of sex is just unthinkable right now. And he's admitted before that it's a turn off that I'm not "into it".
I've never brought up the pills because it's in the past and I don't want to bring up something that was perceived 'finished'. Because I don't want to make him feel bad.
@Smile4mepls
That is good he knows about how you feel but you may have a few things to work out for yourself.
Sometimes the past is something we have not dealt with. Being a good girlfriend does not include playing along and pretending. If possible a good therapy session or 2 may help you a great deal.
Hey, thank you for sharing this. Seriously. What you’ve written the honesty, the heartbreak, the contradictions it takes a huge amount of strength to put that into words, even when you feel like you're falling apart.
First, I want to say this clearly: your pain is valid. You don’t have to justify it by wondering if you communicated badly or gave mixed signals. Consent should never feel that uncertain. The fact that something broke in you that day matters, no matter how brief it was, no matter how apologetic he was after. Just because you've continued to be intimate doesn't erase the impact. That moment still lives in your body, and it’s okay that it hurts.
You're not broken. You're protecting yourself the only way you know how right now through distance, disconnection, control where you can get it. That’s not weakness. That’s survival.
What hit me hardest is when you said, “No one has ever really cared. And it’s embarrassing to be the only one who does.” I’ve felt that too. Like caring is somehow pathetic. But it’s not. It’s brave. And even if it doesn’t always feel like it, there are people who care. I’m one of them right now, reading your words, hearing you.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to be “okay with sex” just because you think you should be. Healing doesn’t work on guilt or obligation. It works on safety. On being allowed to say, “I’m not okay” and not being punished for it. You deserve that.
I don’t think you truly want everyone to leave you alone not because you proofread this, but because your pain still has a voice. That voice matters. Keep using it. Even if it trembles. Even if it's tired. You're not alone in this.
If you're open to it, keep talking here or with someone safe. You don’t have to carry all of this in silence.
@cyanHuman3315
Your words really hit me. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I was really thinking about deleting this post because I felt like I was betraying him by just mentioning it. There are times where I want to just stop but I keep coming back so I guess that means I don't want things to end.
It's all so confusing. And reading mental health books doesn't do anything but lets me see more of my errors, or the lack thereof.
I am tired, but I'm not allowed to be because I have a life to start with him and if I go down, he might too. So I'll try to keep going.
Thank you again for writing. You really didn't have to, but you did and I'm really glad you did.
@Smile4mepls
What happened wasn’t your fault, and forcing yourself to be okay with sex before you’re ready just deepens the wound.
Think of healing like edging, you take your time and stop before it hurts, not rush to the finish. <3